i'm okay....ish.

people ask me all the time, "How are you doing?"

or

"How's it going?"

or

"Are you doing okay?"

i never really know how to answer.

I'm alright-ish.

or

I'm hanging in there... ish.

or

I'm okay-ish.

i always add the ish.

i don't feel fully alright or okay.

the ish explains the rest.

i don't know that i'll ever feel okay.  i don't even know what that means anymore.

i need to give up trying to reach that feeling of "okay" and nurture where i'm at right now.

i'm not okay.

but i am alright with that.

i'm here.

and i'm still trying.

my son is gone and that's never going to be okay.

it's just something i'm learning to accept and live with.

that's the hard part.

finding joy along the way certainly helps.

my sweet girl bringing me a surprise bouquet of flowers from the yard "just cause they're pretty and she loves me" helps.

 

having a dad (my person) who i can call no matter what time day or night helps.

having friends who love me for me, despite all my messy parts helps.

experiencing small victories at school and overcoming personal challenges and struggles in the midst of fear and worry helps.

closing my eyes and remembering my beautiful boy's sweet noises and how he felt cradled in my lap helps.

oh my heart it helps.

 i miss him.

lately the ache seems to be magnified.

i'm not okay without my beautiful boy.

but i am trying.

i am still living, and loving.

i'm grateful for the love and support i feel from people in my life, near and far.

i am so very grateful for that.

no ish.

happy Sunday to you.

<3

my heart.

Sunday.

i need to write to get out of my head.

i wish i could take a break from my mind sometimes.

a good long vacation from my thoughts.

that would be nice.

or if my feelings could just steer clear of my heart for a while, that would also be fantastic.

i've been learning about the human heart in my Anatomy class.  i've held the real thing in my very hands in various labs.  i've studied all its parts and how it works and what keeps it going.

nowhere in any of my studies has it explained to me how or why the hell my heart can HURT so much when it's inside my body, doing all the things it's supposed to be doing.

blood is still pumping and flowing through all the right chambers.

my heart is still contracting and relaxing when it needs to.

it's still receiving and sending blood throughout my body......

but how can it be doing all this when THERE'S A GIANT HOLE IN IT????

 and if there's not an actual hole in it, then why does it HURT so badly??

 

i just don't understand.

 

where does the ache come from?

what causes me to forget how to breathe?

why am i able to handle it sometimes, and then be completely leveled by the pain at other times?

 

last night i was leveled.

there are some nights where it just becomes too BIG, the ache.

 

i'm trying so hard.

i don't want to be sad all the time.

i'm not.

i promise you, i'm not.

i'm not depressed, it just hurts.

i'm still happy, it just hurts.

i laugh.  i smile.  i have fun!

it just hurts. 

 

 

i don't understand my heart.

how it can love so deeply and feel so broken at the same time.

how can it hold SO MUCH goodness, yet be so empty?

why does it continue to wish for things that cannot be?

i just don't understand.

i'll keep trying.

i'm certain of that.

happy Sunday to all of you.

thanks for listening to my heart.

<3