i'm okay....ish.

people ask me all the time, "How are you doing?"

or

"How's it going?"

or

"Are you doing okay?"

i never really know how to answer.

I'm alright-ish.

or

I'm hanging in there... ish.

or

I'm okay-ish.

i always add the ish.

i don't feel fully alright or okay.

the ish explains the rest.

i don't know that i'll ever feel okay.  i don't even know what that means anymore.

i need to give up trying to reach that feeling of "okay" and nurture where i'm at right now.

i'm not okay.

but i am alright with that.

i'm here.

and i'm still trying.

my son is gone and that's never going to be okay.

it's just something i'm learning to accept and live with.

that's the hard part.

finding joy along the way certainly helps.

my sweet girl bringing me a surprise bouquet of flowers from the yard "just cause they're pretty and she loves me" helps.

 

having a dad (my person) who i can call no matter what time day or night helps.

having friends who love me for me, despite all my messy parts helps.

experiencing small victories at school and overcoming personal challenges and struggles in the midst of fear and worry helps.

closing my eyes and remembering my beautiful boy's sweet noises and how he felt cradled in my lap helps.

oh my heart it helps.

 i miss him.

lately the ache seems to be magnified.

i'm not okay without my beautiful boy.

but i am trying.

i am still living, and loving.

i'm grateful for the love and support i feel from people in my life, near and far.

i am so very grateful for that.

no ish.

happy Sunday to you.

<3