i am a mother.

i haven't written in weeks.

i have tried to sit down and write several times because my soul has so desperately needed it, but my mind wouldn't let me.

my mind has been a jumbled mess of stress, worry, fear and emotion lately.

finals had a lot to do with that.

i stressed so hard about my exams, studying nonstop, letting all the stress, emotion and worry build and build and build...............

and then it was over.

 

i took my last exam on wednesday night and then it was over.

thursday i thought i would feel a huge sense of relief, a freedom of sorts.............

and i did, in a way.

i felt relieved that i was done with math and there was nothing left to study.

i was relieved that i could finally just sit and not have school stress on the forefront of my mind.

but when school stress is gone i'm left alone with myself and my thoughts........oh my heart, i crumble.

when there's nothing left there to occupy my mind, i crumble.

when i think too much---when i actually let myself sit and think and feel---i crumble.

which brings me to today---Mother's Day.

it's the best and the worst day all wrapped up into one.

i am a mother.

it's the best thing i've ever done and the most whole person i'll ever be.

but half of what makes me a mother is missing, is gone.

i don't feel like a whole mother anymore.

it's such a conflicting feeling.

i know he's still mine, i know i'm still his mother.......but he's not with me anymore, not really.

people always say to me, "he's still with you".  i know what they mean.  i get it, i really do.  i understand that he'll always be "with" me.......but when i'm alone at night, sitting by my son's little makeshift bed that's still in the middle of the living room floor.......when i'm sitting there with my arms so empty just wishing i could just hold him again and it sends a chill throughout my entire body, a chill so cold i don't think i can ever be warmed........when i'm in his room going through drawers and drawers of his clothes, desperately trying to catch a hint of his sweet smell........when i'm still dreaming so vividly about my beautiful boy, and in those dreams i just want to save him........i'm trying so hard to save him and then i wake up.........

in those moments i'm so painfully aware that he's not with me.  

not really.

not the way a child should be with his mother.

not the way he belongs, in my arms.

he's still mine but he's gone.

he's my son but he's gone.

so this thursday, when i sat and tried to find relief, every sad feeling, all the emptiness i had been trying to cover up with busyness and school stuff came flooding in instead.

oh, i don't know how to describe to you the feeling of it, the weight of it all......all i can say is that it hurts.  it's a heavy hurt, a hurt that sits on my chest and clenches my throat to the point where i know there's no way i can survive this.

it's a panicky, gut-wrenching feeling to realize over and over again that my son is gone and that the rest of my life will be lived without him.

i sit on the floor and cry until there are no more tears because there are no more breaths left in me and i am certain that i cannot do it.

i cannot make it the whole rest of my life without him, and with this pain.

it's all too much.

i can't do it.

i don't want to.

i can't!!

oh, but then i look into my sweet girl's eyes and i see you, and i see her, and i know that somehow i have to keep going.........somehow i will keep going.

not for me or for you, sweet boy.

but for her.

she needs me.

she loves me.

she misses you.

oh we both miss you, Connie.

she is a beautiful reason to keep trying and to keep searching for hope and strength.

she makes it all worthwhile, just like you did, my beautiful boy.

she is every bit as beautiful as you in her own very special way and i know that i was blessed with you both for reasons i come to appreciate more and more as i fight to understand my place in this life.

i cannot do this alone.

some days i don't know if i can do it at all.

some days i question whether i even want to.

it's hard and it hurts so much more than i can bear.

but there's always a reason to keep trying.

i'm reminded every time she calls me mom or tells me she loves me.

even when she is mad at me or rolls her pretty little eyes when she thinks i'm not looking, that reason is still there.

she needs me.

i need her.

i'm a mother, but i don't feel whole.

i'm trying my best to move forward in a world that i don't quite understand, without my life's true soul mate.

 

i love my children.

they will always be my favorite part of me.

i know there are many different definitions of what constitutes a mother.

mothers come in all shapes and forms and every situation is unique and special.

happy Mother's Day to all of you.

<3