a week ago aubrey and i drove to the cemetery after church to visit our beautiful boy's spot.
as i drove around the bend and looked for "his blue stuff", panic set in as i couldn't find it.
i always knew where my son's spot was, even from a distance because i could see his blue.
in his spot, where 18 months of my collected treasures were supposed to be, there was emptiness instead.
stark emptiness.
it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
aubrey and i got out of the van and ran to Connor's spot and sat there in disbelief.
it was gone.
it was ALL gone.
EVERYTHING.
18 months of things that meant something so dear to us were all gone.
i sat there and cried.
aubrey wasn't sure what to do or think.
i know they were just things.
meaningless things to most.
i understand the value of what was taken was miniscule in the grand scheme of things....
but to me, and to my sweet little girl who can only bring things now to her baby brother---these things meant so much more.
we had been collecting and adding those things to our sweet boy's sight for as long as he's been buried there.
for us, these things helped.
for me especially, these things were my way of staying connected to my precious little boy when there was nothing else i could physically do.
these things helped.
they were just things.
but they were special things for my beautiful boy.....
and now they're gone.
but it's okay.
i mean, it's not okay....but it's okay.
it's been a week and i haven't put anything new there yet.
i'm going to.
i'm going to find new things for my sweet boy and those things will be special too.
life is just like this.
you're going through life, everything is fine. everything is just how you expect it to be. it's predictable, things have always been this way, the way you're used to. you grow accustomed to the familiar things about life---they are of comfort to you, a reassuring constant. even if they're little things, the familiarity of them is somehow soothing to you in such a chaotic world.
and then one day, you drive around the corner and everything's gone.
everything's changed.
just like that, in one quick instant, everything you knew to be true is different and you weren't expecting it.
it's a punch in the gut.
it takes the air right out of your lungs and you're left trying to remember how to breathe again.
there's an emptiness where everything familiar used to be and that can be hard to cope with.
devastating, sometimes.
you need time to let it all sink in---this newness isn't comfortable, it's sometimes terrifying.
it's new. it's different. it's change.
change is hard to deal with, for me especially.
so you let it sink in.
you sit with it and the feelings are sometimes too hard to handle so you refuse to acknowledge them at all.
little by little you are forced to deal with it, maybe just tiny bits at a time.
you are adjusting, just in your own way, at your own pace, in your own time.
changing.
you're changing.
even though you didn't expect it or didn't even want to.
you change because things have changed.
the process is different for everyone.
but no one can completely avoid it.
life's not really like that.
oh, how i sometimes wish it was!!
today, i'm letting little bits and pieces in.
i'm acknowledging things i don't want to and trying to not turn away completely and hide from the things that i'd rather just ignore altogether.
i'm trying.
i'm changing, whether i want to or not.
i'm trying to be okay.
that's my focus for today: just try to be okay.
happy Sunday to all of you.
<3
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