trying to heal

i haven't written in so long..

i feel like my heart needs me to write.

how am i doing?

alrightish, i guess.

aubrey and i had a chance to go {home} to Illinois a couple weeks back this summer.

it was a relaxing, peaceful vacation.

there were days and conversations that helped fill an empty spot that has been growing in my soul.  i grieved the loss of a perfect little girl---sweet Mabel, and in doing so felt closer to my beautiful boy than i have in a long while.  

sitting with my dear friend, Mabel's mom, talking and just being made my heart feel more at peace than i have in months.

i watched Aubrey and Mabel's sister connect and bond in a way i can't fully understand.  there was an unspoken knowing between them, two sisters who have lost their special little brother/sister, a knowing that will never need to be explained with words. 

 it was like a weight had been lifted from my heart, seeing that my sweet girl has someone who knows her hurt and can relate in a way that i can't.

  a piece of me was healed on this trip.  as i grieved for this special little girl, i could feel her love and light bring healing to my soul. 

 

being at home, my home, surrounded by all my familiar things made breathing a little bit easier that week.  driving around aimlessly on my old country roads was like therapy for my overactive mind.

i let myself slow down enough to actually think and feel.  i let myself tap into the feelings i normally try so hard to keep at arms length so i can get through the day.

when i let myself really feel, i'm always afraid i'll fall so completely apart that there will be no putting myself back together.  when i really think about my beautiful boy, the feelings and emotions are so overwhelming that i can't breathe and it feels like i might actually die.

i took a little walk out in my dad's backyard and ended up at the spot Aubrey, Connor and i had our pictures taken just 2 summers ago. 

 i walked down and the light was breathtaking----so perfectly blue, so perfectly him.

 the memory of that summer 2 years ago is so good, yet oh so hard at the same time.  this was my sweet boy's last summer spent in Illinois. this was the summer his breathing took a horrible turn for the worse---it happened in Illinois and i remember the moment i realized it.  the awful "new" noise he made from his carseat as i was driving to a friend's bbq.  that terrifying high pitched noise he made as he gasped for air while his trachea was collapsing.  5 months after this summer vacation 2 years ago, my son was dying in the hospital.

these thoughts and memories came flooding in but i felt them and i didn't drown.  

i felt them and i was still standing, breathing through the pain.

i try not to feel things because it hurts, but when i do let myself feel... i feel him so incredibly close that all the pain is worth it for that brief moment of beauty.

i'm searching for balance in my life, always.

i feel like i fail miserably most days.

i want to be fully present in my life, but i can't help but want to go back.  sometimes i want him back so badly that i almost convince myself that it could happen!

i want to change and grow into a woman who is confident and happy but i'm so afraid to let go of who i was because that's the only me who knew my son.

i want to be successful but i'm so terrified of failure that i'd almost rather not try.

i want to do things that matter, to help as many people as i can in this life but i worry that i'm so broken i'll do more damage than good.

i want to find someone to love and who will love me back but i fear that person will never really know me because they never knew him.

i was my best self when i was with him and i'm trying so hard to figure out who i am now.

all these things---i'm trying.

it's hard but i won't stop trying.

happy Sunday to you.

<3