two years

two years.

oh, my heart.

i haven't been writing much lately........i think it's because i've been trying my hardest to avoid my feelings.  i can't write and not feel things..  so i've tried running from it all.  if i don't stop to write and acknowledge the feelings.....they're not there.... right?

so wrong.

i can't run from something that's already inside me.  there's an emptiness inside me so deep and there's no way to run from it.

it's there.

it's in me and i can't escape it.

i can try to fill it with things (i do try).  the problem is, the emptiness is big---it's all encompassing and the things i try to fill it with are insignificant in comparison.

but i do try.

it's been two years since my beautiful boy died.

i don't even know what that means because time stopped making sense the second he left me.

two years....two decades....an eternity?

they all seem the same to my heart.

i've spent this year trying to find purpose.

trying to find my purpose.

with my son, everything i did was purposeful.  every single thing i did for him was filled with purpose.  he relied on me for everything; every second of his entire life he needed me.

and oh, i needed him.

my life was altered drastically the moment he left me.

to go from such a purpose-driven role as a caretaker to a son who relied solely on me for everything to now a mother of just one sweet girl who needs me in completely different ways has been baffling for my heart to comprehend.

most days i have no clue what i'm doing.

i walk around feeling lost, not knowing if i'm moving at all, let alone in the right direction.

there's a constant battle going on inside my head and in my heart.

an internal dialogue plagues me every day.

my brain tells me:

I can't do this.  I can't.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't, it's not possible.  I can't do this anymore!  I don't want to do this, i can't do it.  I can't!  I can't do it anymore. 

then my heart chimes in:

I can't do this...  You can do this.  I can't do this anymore...  You can.  I can't!  You can!  It's not possible... It IS possible.  I can't do this, I can't...I don't want to do this anymore.... You can do this, you can!

  YOU HAVE TO.

..you can.

but can i?

am i??

the battle is never-ending, it seems.

tears fall unexpectedly as i'm walking through the store or aimlessly about campus.

i'm fighting my head with my own heart and there never seems to be a true winner.

the victory is that i'm still here, still trying.

the triumph lies within my sweet girl and the happiness she brings me.

love will always win, and i am surrounded by it.

the trick is for me to let it in and not be afraid of the other feelings that come with it. 

my son died and that's horrific.

he died and it broke me into a million pieces that i'm still searching to find, attempting to put back together.

my son is gone and my life will never be the same.

 it's not the same and i miss him.

it's been two years and i just miss him.

i love him and i'm trying to find my purpose.

i wrote something the other day...a poem of sorts.  it was more just me, spilling out my feelings onto paper, trying to connect with things inside of me.. trying to make sense of my heart, my life now and the death of my son.

two years without my soul mate, my beautiful boy..

i really miss him.

here are my words:

The pieces of me are shattered

I lay broken on the floor

Remnants of a girl;

I don't know me anymore

He was my very soul

With him I was complete

Stumbling, I crawl

But can I stand on my own two feet?

I used to breathe him in

Now my lungs won't fill with air

Gasping, I see my reflection;

There's beauty in my stare

His eyes are etched in mine

Blue waves so deep I'll drown

His light will never leave me

  Though lost, I can still be found

It was Death that stole him from me

But dying brought him peace

My arms clung to his body

As I felt his soul's release

But No!  I wasn't ready!

I still need him here with me!

Sweet boy, mommy's trying..

To comprehend you're finally free

Your heart still beats in mine

A familiar rhythm that I know

Pulsing words right through me

Oh mom, I had to go..

Blindly, I reach out for you

With clarity you grasp my hand

My pieces might be broken,

But with strength in you I'll stand

 

 oh Connor, mommy loves you.

i'll keep trying, i promise.

love you buddy boo..

<3