The Last Days {by Aubrey}

oh, my heart.

Aubrey had an assignment at school, to write an autobiographical sketch.

she brought home her finished paper and gave it to me.

oh, my heart.

her words, her feelings, her emotions...broke my heart and made me so incredibly proud to be her mother at the same time.

she wrote about the final days of her brother's life.

her Connie.

reading her words brought me to a place i had never been before.

i lived my beautiful boy's death.

i lived it with him.  24 hours a day, in the hospital, by his side.

 to see those days through her eyes....

i had no idea some of the things she focused on and remembered.

i had an idea what she must be going through, but really, how could i?  i wasn't in her shoes.  i wasn't losing a brother, watching my mom go through the most awful things imaginable.

i wasn't her.

with her permission, i am sharing her words, her feelings here:

{i am so proud of her}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Last Days

By: Aubrey fail 

"How many more days till Christmas?" I asked eagerly.  "5," my grandpa replied with a chuckle.  I was so tired of driving back and forth to my house and the hospital in the cold, but I couldn't wait to see my mom and brother every time.

I knew it was happening.  Everyone kept sobbing and saying, "It's ok" and "you WERE a great sister."  I knew what was happening yet I was very confused.

As we got to the hospital, I was so relieved to be out of the nose biting cold.  As I was warming up my frosty hands, my mother came in eager to put her warm arms around me to give me a hug.  I watched as her red-ringed eyes were being healed by my comforting hug.

My mother was always very strong, but at this time it's like a river of tears waiting to stream down her face at any moment.

When we got to the room my brother was staying in, I bolted across the room to hug him but I had to be careful because there seemed to be an octopus of wires surrounding him.

When it started to get dark, I had dinner with my mom for the first time in a long time.  As I was stuffing fries in my face, I saw that my mom was not stuffing fries in her face nor eating them at all.  I think she's just worried about my brother.  Maybe overly worried?

I knew this was the last night with my brother so I asked if I could be the doctor for the night.  The nurse was generous enough to let me be the doctor.  I was so grateful.  As I was squirting my brother's medicine into his GJ tube, that smelled like a cross between baby spit-up and pee, sure enough it squirted all over me.  I had to wear his pants, luckily we were the same size even though we are a year apart!

As me and my grandpa were driving home, I tried not to cry but I couldn't hold it in so I cried a soft, silent cry into my sweater that only I could hear.  I knew that if I cried outloud, my grandpa would too.  I had to be strong.

The next morning, excited as I was, I hoped with all my heart that his little spirit was still there.  When we got there, I ran as fast as I could to the room and saw my sweet little brother squirming and coughing as always.  I felt little joys of happiness bursting in my stomach.

That night was the most devastating night of my life.  My innocent little brother's spirit left him that night.  As soon as it happened, my grandpa rushed me out like he was in a marathon.

CHRISTMAS

I woke up feeling different.  I didn't like it.  I missed the sound of coughing in the morning.  I missed my brother, but I knew I was stronger going through it.  I knew that everyone was stronger.

I went to the living room to open presents after thinking a while.  It was all different, no little brother squirming on a blanket in the middle of the room.

A couple hours later, after opening all my presents, I started to cry.  My mom calmed me down by telling me what she saw when my brother died.  She said she saw my brother's spirit float up to my aunt's spirit in heaven.  That made me stop crying but start thinking, "Why did it have to happen now?"  "Why not later?"

About a few days later, we went to my brother's funeral.  For the first time in four years, I saw my mom and dad hugging.  For those few seconds, I felt like a family again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she is beautiful and i love her.

we miss him.

<3