this week i broke.

i haven't written for a while.

i've been wanting to write but every time i sit down to pour out my heart, my head seems to get in the way.

i have so much going on in both my heart and my head.....letting it out is the tricky part.

it's tricky because i'm not sure what it really is.

a jumbled mess of feelings---

emotions

thoughts

fears

worries

hopes

excitement

regret

sadness

frustration

stress

confusion

SO MUCH GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD

ALWAYS!!

i let it all build up and this week it kind of exploded on me.

i've been holding it in for awhile now with no release.

i think i've been avoiding my feelings, no---i'm sure i have.

if i keep myself busy and distracted enough, i don't have time to focus on the hard stuff.  i know it's there but i don't let myself be still long enough to really feel it.

pretty sure this is typical avoidance.

this week i broke.

studying for a math test set me off.

i had to be still, i was studying and needed my mind to concentrate.

forcing myself to be still and focus on the problems before me also opened the gates for everything else to come rushing through.

and boy did it ever!

i hadn't cried so hard in a while, i felt that familiar panic start to rise up and breathing became impossible.

i did what i usually do when the fear becomes too big and i don't know if i can make it---

i called my dad.

 my person.

 

 

he helps to remind me that i'm okay, i'm still here, i don't need to be perfect.  the pressure i put upon myself about school and everything else is something i'm doing, and i need to ease up.

somehow i need to find a balance for myself.

i've been searching for ways to do that for nearly my whole life.

more than anything, i struggle with myself.

i always have.

it's something i'm trying to figure out and understand.

it makes me miss my son so incredibly much.

 

i felt most comfortable with myself and who i am when i was caring for my beautiful boy.

i accepted myself more then because my son and i were so intertwined that to hate anything about myself would be like hating something about him.

and i just loved him.

i loved everything i did for him.

i miss him.

 i miss me with him.

 

i'm searching for acceptance.

sometimes i think i find bits and pieces.  i'm trying to save those in hopes that one day i'll be able to piece them together to form something real and strong and unbreakable.

i'm hoping.

i'm searching.

i'm trying.

i'm always trying.

 

happy Sunday to you.

<3

 

things that matter

oh, it's Sunday.

i haven't written for a couple weeks..

i need to write.

school has been really busy.  i've been putting my all into studying, trying to learn and grow.  i find myself so interested in the things i'm working with, especially in my Anatomy class and Lab.  every week i go and it feels like i can't get enough knowledge---i'm trying to find ways to cram it all in and yet i still find myself wanting more.

i had a moment in my Anatomy Lab where i was standing by myself in the back of the room, holding a human brain, staring at the parts of this brain that were supposedly shrinking the most on my sweet boy.....i stood there and stared and stared and had such a strong wave of feelings come over me that i had to hurry and leave the room because i felt myself about to completely lose it.

i couldn't breathe and i had to get out before i fell to pieces in front of a room full of students.

i left, found a stall in the bathroom and tried to remember how to breathe.

the feelings i was having, they were so forceful and strong and looking back i've been able to pinpoint what those feelings were.

1.    i just missed my son!  the ache is always there, but sometimes there are moments where it feels like it's hitting me all over again.  it feels like he was just here, or that he's just in the other room and i need to get to him, he needs me to come get him!  and then like a ton of bricks hitting me right in the stomach, i remember.  i remember that he's not here and that's why i'm standing in this lab, and not at home with him instead.
2.   i wanted answers!!  i stood there holding this brain, staring at the exact structures and parts that were failing my son and it's like i wanted them to speak to me!  i had the insane notion that if i stood there long enough, if i somehow stared at it long enough or looked at it from the right angle, it would give me the answers i'm so desperately seeking.  like the diagnosis would just become miraculously clear as i was holding it.   i stood for such a long time staring......... searching.......... waiting......................
3.   when i realized what i was doing----standing with a brain in my hands, waiting for it to speak to me----i felt such an overwhelming sense of absurdity and frustration that i couldn't handle it any longer.  tears started coming and i knew if i let them flow they wouldn't stop.  so i left.  i got out.  i stood in a bathroom stall, clenching and unclenching my fists and tried to remember how to breathe.

 

i want to find answers.

i don't know what that means, really.

 

i want my life, my life moving forward, to mean something.

i didn't find answers for my beautiful boy, i don't know that i ever will.

that's a hard truth to deal with.

 

but i want to keep trying.

i want to keep searching..... and who knows, maybe somewhere in that search i'll find answers for some other family, some other mother who's HOPE is still there, who's faith has not been shattered by question after unanswered question.  maybe i can give light to someone stumbling in the dark, provide a beacon for just one person who feels lost in the abyss.

 

maybe i won't find any answers, maybe the answers i'm seeking don't even exist.........

but it's the trying, the searching, the purpose that i need.

i need to be doing things that matter.

i want to do things that matter.

i want to matter.

 

i'm trying.

oh my heart, am i trying.

happy Sunday to you.

<3

 

 

 

real happy.

happy Sunday.

i've been thinking about "happiness" lately.

what is it?

what does it really mean?

do i feel it?

or more importantly why don't i allow myself to feel it?

someone asked me this week if i was afraid to be happy---if i felt guilt for being happy.

yes, i think.

  

it really made me think about things, about myself and my life and my struggles within.

i'm not sure why i place restrictions or conditions on the good feelings i have and give free reign to the ones that seek to do harm, the ones i should be cautious of.

i feel like i've always been this way.

but why?

 

i'm not really sure.

i'm still trying to figure stuff out---a work in progress, always.

i just know that i have been truly happy.

i have felt true joy and happiness.

i still do feel it.

 i'm just learning different ways to recognize, appreciate and let it in.

 

my son made me happy.

oh my heart, did he make me happy!

 

taking care of his every need gave me such a wonderful sense of purpose and belonging and i'll never be able to replace that feeling.

i feel happiest when i'm doing something worthwhile.

i miss taking care of my beautiful boy more than i can ever describe.  my purpose in life has been shifted, and i don't know exactly what it is or how to nurture the change.

yet.

i'm working on it.

 

my sweet girl makes me happy.

 

she is such a happy child, a resilient little girl that brings so much light to my life.

she makes me giggle.

i watch her and know that the feeling i have inside is pure happiness.

 

i feel happy, still.

i just feel other things along with it, i've realized.

i let guilt creep in alongside the happy.

i'm trying to figure out why i do that, why my feelings work that way.

i'm working on a lot of things.

 

happiness is more than a feeling.

happiness, for me, is so many other things.

love, peace, security, comfort, safety, silliness, laughter, easiness......these are all wrapped up in happiness. 

i'm striving to let myself feel these things more freely, without limitations or restrictions, without consequences.

i'm trying harder to just be......and be okay with it.

 

i'm always trying.

happy Sunday to you.

real happy.

<3