Sunday, December 21, 2014

heaviness.

this Sunday is going to get so much better in about 3-4 hours....
Papa is on his way!!
i cannot wait to get a big, safe hug from my dad.
i need one of those.
especially this week, and during the next few days.....well, always really.
i always need hugs from my dad.
they feel so safe.

this last week has been so heavy, so anticipatory....
his birthday came, and quietly went.







it was a beautiful day, full of love and remembrance.  and yes, sadness.  but only sad because i miss him so much.  i'm not sad for any other reason besides the fact that i love him and miss him and just wish he were here so i could hold him.

i'm not sad for him.
i'm not sad about his death because as i've said before, my son's death was a beautiful release for him.
i'm not sad that his suffering ended, his broken body releasing his perfect spirit.
i'm not sad for my son.

i'm not even sad for me.
i am blessed.
i had a son, here with me for 6 years---six perfectly beautiful years and i am so grateful for that time, words can't even come close to expressing it.
i have a son, a beautiful blue-eyed angel that will be with me always----even though he's not in my arms where i so badly want him to be....

i miss him.
i miss my beautiful boy. 
 i miss holding him.

i am only sad because i love him so much. 
the sadness comes because the love is so big.
would i change any of that?
no.
i accept the sadness, it's something that i can deal with because of the love.
   oh, i love my son.

this week is heavy.
the 23rd is coming......one whole year without my perfect little soul mate.
can i do this??
i don't know, i guess i don't really have a choice.
or maybe i do.
i choose to keep trying.  i choose to keep feeling {that's the hardest one, when sometimes all i want is numb---all i want is to not feel}.  i choose to keep loving.  
i'm choosing to live with the sadness and not let it consume or destroy me.
it hurts.
oh my heart, does it hurt.
but i'm no stranger to hard things.
i've learned i can do hard things, because of the love that surrounds me---if i choose to let it in.
i choose to try.

a big hug from from my dad will certainly help.
<3

Thursday, December 18, 2014

his birthday.

today is special.
oh, but it's also so hard.
today is my beautiful boy's 7th birthday.

i almost wrote "he would have been 7 today"......
but that's just not true.
i will never say, "he would have been...."  because it's just not true.
my beautiful boy was perfect and special but he wasn't made to grow old in this world.
my sweet little boy had a divine purpose, one that he fulfilled with grace and pure beauty in his six short years.
he wouldn't have been seven, or eight, or nine......or anything else because his spirit wasn't meant for this world.  he possessed a light that came from somewhere far greater than this earth.
his beautifully imperfect body held on to his spirit for as long as it possibly could, he held on to this life far longer than was comfortable for him and for that i will be forever grateful.

i wanted him to hold on forever, if i could i would have never let him go.
i still want him back.
i still want my son back......if i could just hold him...
i understand though.
i understand that his mission here was complete and that i was blessed to have him as long as i did.
i understand all this......
but it still hurts.
i still miss him.
i just love him, i do.

today i celebrate his life.
i will remember his beauty and search for that light that is still there, the light that is still being radiated from his sweet spirit.
i love my son.
oh, how i miss my beautiful boy.



























happy birthday, buddy-boo...
mommy misses you.
i love you so much.
<3

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

i just wanted him to live.

last year on December 17th, i brought my beautiful boy to the hospital.  i didn't know it, but it would be the last time i entered those hospital doors with him in my arms.
i didn't know it, but i wouldn't be leaving with him ever again. 
i had to have my brother-in-law come and drive us that day because my sweet boy could not breathe well enough to leave my arms.  there was no way he could sit in his car seat alone and breathe well enough to make it to the hospital.
he had been in my arms for weeks straight, literally in my arms the whole entire time, because he just couldn't breathe anymore.
i gave rescue breaths to my sweet baby boy as he turned blue, breathing into his mouth for him when he couldn't do it himself.  i did this so many times over the course of a few weeks, too many times to count.
he was dying, my sweet boy.
he was dying and i just wanted him to live.
i just wanted him to live.

i remember riding in the back of the van on the way to the hospital, holding my baby boy in my arms and just wanting this upcoming surgery to work.
i wanted this tracheotomy to help, to cure, to fix!
i wanted it to DO something for my sweet boy!!
 he was suffering so much, was so fragile and i knew he couldn't last like that much longer.
i had HOPE that this surgery would work.

i remember arriving at the hospital.
i remember carrying my baby boy through the tunnel {the front of the hospital was under construction so there was a long tunnel}.  i remember walking through that tunnel and having the distinct feeling that i would not be walking back out with my son.
i remember it so vividly that it makes my heart sink just thinking about it.
like a punch in the gut, i felt it.
my mother's heart knew it.
my mother's heart knew for months that this was it.
my heart knew long before my mind accepted it.

my mind still didn't accept it on that day, walking through the tunnel.
sometimes i still don't think my mind has fully accepted it.
as long as he was still there, in my arms, i was going to fight for him.
my mind ignored my heart and fought like hell for my baby boy.
i fought so hard, i wanted it so badly.....
i just wanted him to live.




my heart knew the things that would happen that week in the hospital.
each day that passed solidified what my heart already knew long before we got there.


he wasn't going to live.
my beautiful baby boy wasn't going to live and i knew it.
how could my heart do this to me???! 
i didn't want to know this, i couldn't accept it!
i just wanted him to live.

i'm remembering.
i'm looking back, i'm feeling all this because it happened and i don't want to push any of it away.
i don't want to run from it or try to make it anything other than what it is.
it's hard.
i'm dealing with it the best way i know how.
i'm remembering.
i'm still breathing.
still trying.
still loving my son with that same mother's heart that knew.
i'm here and i'm fighting like hell to keep going and keep living for my sweet girl.
i love her so much.
i love my son.

i'm okay.
but i just wanted him to live..
<3

Sunday, December 14, 2014

peace on earth.

it's a quiet Sunday thus far.
i type this as i sit amidst the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree and the blue lights on the fireplace mantle.  it's a peaceful, yet empty feeling.
i pulled out Christmas decorations yesterday, the stockings laying on top of the pile as i opened the box.

a penguin stocking, some pink ones {Aubrey has multiple stockings for some reason}, and then the baby blue one.
my baby's blue stocking.

 sigh.


the Christmas season will forever be intertwined with the hardest time of my life.
i'm trying to sort through emotions that are coming from every place inside of me.....
Christmas is a beautiful, peaceful, glorious, magical time of year......
it's also the time of year when my whole world fell apart.

my beautiful boy was born one week before Christmas!
it's always been a special time of year----

my sweet boy, my only son, died two days before Christmas.
he died 5 days after his 6th birthday.

my heart is having trouble understanding how to feel.
 i feel everything, all at once.
how does any of this even make sense??

i don't know how to sort through this constant stream of emotions.
these are polar opposite feelings, and they're all coming at me so fast and so hard.
my mind tries to sort through them, but my heart just feels them all.
i don't know how to feel.
i don't know how to not feel. 
i just don't know.
it's a confusing realm to exist in.

Christmas is a happy time.
my son's birthday is a happy day.
the 23rd, the day he died, is right in between the two.
it's just hard.
it's so hard and that's confusing to my soul.

 i still feel the magic of Christmas, i still feel the glory of it all.
i see my sweet girl's eyes twinkle just like the lights on the tree and that brings more peace to my soul than i can express.
i am still happy.
i still feel happiness and can laugh and giggle {and occasionally snort} when things are funny.
things are funny still, a lot:)
i have amazing friends who bring smiles to my face when i need it most----i'm still able to smile.
my heart is still so full of love and empathy and compassion for those around me.
i love so many people with my whole {yet broken} heart.
my heart is still full of love, a broken heart can still be filled to capacity, and then some.

these next few weeks are going to be hard.
it is what it is.
it is hard.
that's okay.
i have support, i have my sweet girl and i have my angel.....i know he's got me.
i have friends.
i have so much love around me i never have to feel alone.
there's an emptiness inside me that i don't know will ever be filled, but right beside it there is peace.  there is a peace that blankets the emptiness, helps cover the void in my soul.
i know my sweet boy is okay.
i know he is.
i know he's still doing what he always did best-----guiding me, teaching me, quietly loving me.
that's the peace i feel.

i hope my sweet girl feels it too.
a peaceful Sunday to all of you.
<3

Sunday, December 7, 2014

still learning.

happy Stressful Sunday!
i have one day left to study for my finals.
!!*stressed*!!

it's hard to believe i've {nearly} made it through a whole semester of school.
it's hard to believe this is my life now.
one year ago i never would have thought about any of this.
one year ago i was where i was supposed to be----holding my precious boy as he made the transition from this world to the next.
he was in my arms and i was exactly where i needed to be.
my stresses were so much different last year.

now i'm here.
i'm here without him, and it's been a scary place for me to be.
living my life without him, without my perfect little soul mate..... challenging my fears of starting something new, overcoming obstacles within myself that could easily prevent me from moving forward, could easily keep me standing still---petrified of what's to come...
i have learned so much.
i've learned lessons about life that no amount of schooling could ever teach me.
but going to school, facing those fears---i've learned so much there too.
i'm learning all the time, and not just about biology or quadratic equations{thank goodness!}.
it's an amazing feeling---to be able to keep learning and growing when my heart is still so tender and fragile.
i've been blessed with an ability to keep going.
i've often wondered why i'm still going....
why am i still able to keep going??
i don't know the answer to that most days.
all i know is that i have been blessed with a desire to keep trying.
my desire stems from love.


i have a love so deep and strong for my beautiful boy and my sweet girl that i want to keep trying to honor them, to make them both proud.
i am learning to love things about myself through this whole process, something that has been a lifelong challenge for me.
my heart is broken, but so full at the same time.
i know my sweet boy would want this for me----to keep trying, to keep going, to keep learning.
i will never learn as much from any other source than i did from his perfectly beautiful spirit.
there will never be a class or lecture or textbook that can teach me more than my son did without ever speaking a word.
he silently led me and guided me and taught me life lessons that i will treasure forever.
i love him.
i miss him.

mommy's still learning buddy-boo.....
i'll keep trying.
<3

Sunday, November 30, 2014

when i forget how to breathe...

oh, this Sunday morning my eyes are still swollen from last night.
last night was hard.

i think i let all the emotions from Thanksgiving and missing my sweet boy and stressing out over finals coming up get to me........and last night i couldn't hold it all in anymore.
last night i wept harder than i have in a long time.
last night i forgot how to breathe again.
i can't describe the feeling that comes when i forget how to breathe......
i can't put into words how it feels to know i have to live the rest of my life without my beautiful boy.....
it's a panicked, gut-wrenching feeling and it just hit me really hard last night.
last night was hard.

when nights like this happen and i don't know if i can survive because of the pain, i am so grateful i have a lifeline that i know i can always turn to, no matter what time it is.
i called my dad.
it was nearly 3:00 in the morning his time, but i knew if i called he would answer.
he is always there.
he is my person.


i am super emotional, a bit of a mess really.
i think it's the time of year.....this time of year is beyond difficult for me.
this time last year my beautiful baby boy was actively dying and my heart is still intertwined with it all.
it really is like living it all over again.
i just miss him.
i just wish i could have protected him, saved him from it all...

tomorrow we start decorating his Superman tree at the Festival of Trees.
i am so honored and appreciative of all the love and support and donations we've received in order to make this all possible.
it's been therapeutic in a way, shopping for all this Superman stuff for my sweet Superboy.  Picking out things i know he would love if he were here...
it's hard though----decorating a tree in his memory.......i just wish he were here with me instead of in my memories.
i'm so grateful for it all though.
for the memories, for the love and support and kindness of friends and strangers who want to honor my sweet Connor.
it's all very humbling and i'm so grateful for it.
i'm grateful for everything and everyone.
i'm grateful i am here and still breathing this morning, and for a father who helped me remember how.
i am grateful for the power of prayer and for tender moments of faith and hope that shine through my darkest hours.
i am grateful for it all.
happy Sunday to you.
<3

Thursday, November 27, 2014

love is the answer.

oh, today is hard.
today is an incredibly hard day for me without my sweet boy.
Thanksgiving was our holiday.
well, we didn't really do anything to celebrate the actual holiday, but it was ours because we spent it together.
every year it would be just the two of us at home, alone together.
my sweet girl usually goes with her dad to her cousins' for Thanksgiving and Connor and i just stay home together.
I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!

i will get to all the things i'm grateful for in a minute {i have so many things to be thankful for}, but i need to be honest and real and i can't do that without explaining how hard this is for me.....
sometimes this all just really SUCKS!!
i try so hard to be positive and brave and strong, but sometimes, especially days like today----sometimes it all just sucks.
it's all too hard, it all just hurts.
today was supposed to be like all the other Thanksgivings......me at home with my sweet boy in my arms......me joking with him and asking if he wants mommy to make some gravy to put through his tube......ME and HIM.....together, like always..
i just miss my son..
i miss him so much.

this was my blog post from one year ago today: Behind Blue Eyes....: worst 10 seconds of my life.
 i read this last night and wept.
i remember all this like it was just yesterday......but it seems like lifetimes ago.
i remember the panic i felt, the absolute heart-stopping fear i felt as my beautiful little boy was going through all this.  he was suffering more than i've ever seen anyone suffer in my entire life.
he was hurting; he was dying.
i didn't know it, but i knew it.
i feel like the day i talked about in that post----those "worst 10 seconds of my life"----i feel like my sweet boy truly left that day, and the only reason he came back was because he knew i needed him to come back.....he knew i needed to be able to try everything in my power to save him before he left.....i feel like he came back and endured more pain and suffering for me.  i feel like he did it for me because he knew me better than i'll ever know myself, and he knew i needed to try everything.
i wanted to save him.
i just wanted to save my sweet boy.
i love him so much.
 he is my hero.

  today is hard.
i can't sugarcoat it and make it be any other way than hard.
but i'm still grateful.
i'm grateful for so many things in my life and i feel blessed.
i am blessed.
daily, i am surrounded by the love of friends that i could not live without.
friendship and love got me through this year, carried me when i could not walk one more step on my own.
how do you live after losing your own child??   how is it even possible to breathe without my son??
LOVE. 
love is the answer.
love is there when nothing else seems to be.
my son is gone, but the love is still there.
my sweet baby is gone but love is always here.
my sweet girl reminds me of this every day.
i love her so much.

i am grateful.
i am grateful for love, that i'm able to still feel it and give it freely.
i love my family, my friends.
i love my children, my sweet girl and my beautiful little angel boy.
today is hard.
but i'm grateful for it.
and i'm grateful for all of you.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
<3