Sunday, January 25, 2015

forever grateful.

this Sunday i am trying to focus on my blessings.
i have so many.

i'm trying to let light in where darkness wants to reign.
i'm trying to overcome stress and worry with light and love.
i'm trying to replace self-criticism with acceptance.
i'm trying to not pressure myself to be more and to just let myself be.
oh, i'm trying.

i'm so grateful for love and light and peace that comes to me in waves when i need it most.
i'm grateful for friendships and the strength i gain just by knowing someone's there.
i'm grateful for knowledge and a continued desire to learn and grow.
i'm grateful for my sweet babies, for everything they make me feel and the person they make me want to keep striving to be.
oh, i'm grateful.

 i'm forever trying, and forever grateful.
happy Sunday to you.
<3

Friday, January 23, 2015

it's all the love

13 months today.
the 23rd will always be hard, always be tender...
i really miss him.
 i love him so much, my son.
i've been struggling a bit lately, just with things about myself, within myself...stressing about life and everything in it.  it's these times, these moments of stress where i would give anything to just hold my beautiful boy again.
to listen to his little noises and feel his smooth skin while i run my hands across his forehead and play with his hair.  to just feel his body nestled perfectly into my arms with my chin resting on the top of his head while i rock him back and forth.....
oh, sigh.


he was so calming, i gleaned so much comfort from my son just by holding him, loving him.
i miss that with all my heart and soul.
that closeness, that comfort....i ache for it.

my heart feels like it's bruised, the tenderness is palpable.  there's so much love in there that my heart can't contain it.  maybe it's all the love, not the hurt, that causes this deep pain.  i'm only hurting because i have so much love for my son that i don't know what to do with it anymore.  i can't physically hold him or kiss him or care for him like i used to.  my love isn't being transferred directly to him in person anymore....it's been building up in my heart and the pressure is intense.
it's all the love.
the love is so BIG and my heart isn't sure what to do with it all yet.
i miss him so much because i love him so much more than i can ever describe.
my heart is trying to adjust.
i'm trying to adjust.
i'm always trying.
i will always try.

i'm grateful for the LOVE.
<3

Sunday, January 18, 2015

heavy.

Sunday...
today there is a heaviness in me.
just a lot of feelings, emotions, stresses, worries....they're surfacing all at once and the weight of them combined is making it hard to breathe.
 
...............breathe...............
i'm trying.
 
my second semester of school started this week.
that's stressful.
i have such a hard time with things like this---new things, change, the unknown.
all the fears and doubts and inadequacies i have about myself come roaring through with full force.
i feel so terribly inadequate.
 
i've been feeling so much lately, so intensely.
when life gets intense, when my emotions become so heavy-----all i want to do is hold my sweet boy!!  if i could just hold my son these fears would be calmed, these emotions that are threatening to drown me would cease to exist...because in that moment there would be nothing else, just me and my beautiful boy and LOVE.
 
oh, i just miss my son.
i just wish i could hold him.
 
  i'm still trying, though.
i'm still searching for strength every day and by the grace of God i am still standing.
i am still hoping and learning and living and loving.
i'm still here and willing to fight like hell.
i don't want to give up, ever.
i won't.
some days are just heavier than others.
hoping tomorrow will be just a little lighter.

happy Sunday to you.
<3

Sunday, January 11, 2015

what i NEED you to know..

Sunday.
my heart is full of so many emotions today.
yesterday i went to the funeral services for my dear friend's perfect little infant baby.
oh, my heart.
so tender.

i see my friend ache for the loss of her perfect baby boy and i'm aching right there with her, for her.
my heart feels so much.
so much.
more than anything i wish i could take this pain from her!!
i wish no one had to feel this pain....this hurt!
if i could, i would take this pain a MILLION times over if it meant no one else had to feel it!!
i'd do it in a heartbeat, a million times over.
as many times as i had to to ensure no one else had to experience these feelings.
i just wish i could take it all.

i struggle.
i am struggling with the loss of my beautiful boy....but i want people to know---i want whoever is reading this who might be going through something similar---i want you to know that even though it's hard and it hurts and some days just SUCK....it'll be okay.
i won't sugarcoat anything---it still hurts.
it's still hard and breathing is still something i'm trying to master..
but it's okay.
the "rawness" of it all fades to a familiarity that becomes a part of you, a part that you grow to love and nurture and cherish.
the horrendous pain that leaves you without breath and wondering if you can even survive another second----that pain transforms into something less frantic, less exposed.
it's a part of me, this pain, and i protect it.
it's familiar now, so i'm not so terribly afraid of it.
i can live with it, and living is still a beautiful thing.
my heart still feels HOPE and LOVE and JOY.
i'm still sad and i still ache for my sweet boy...oh, how i miss my sweet boy...
but sadness and longing can coexist with hope and love, i've learned.  i didn't know that it was possible, i had a deep fear that i would never really feel happiness again, i was afraid it wasn't possible.
 it is.
it's possible to find happy in the midst of heartache.
i want anyone out there who questions whether they can do it, whether they can go on or not---i want you to know that you CAN...you WILL.
true strength comes without you even knowing it....it's just there.  you don't need to seek for it, it will find you.
it already has.

i have so many emotions, so much LOVE and empathy and compassion for so many people....sometimes it feels like my heart won't hold it all.
but i guess that's not what the heart is supposed to do...it's not meant for holding all those things, it's meant to give them away.

sending SO much love to all of you.
happy Sunday..
<3



Sunday, January 4, 2015

who am i....?

happy first Sunday of 2015.
a new year.



sigh.

newness is a good thing, right?
fresh starts, new resolve, infinite possibilities....
right?

to be honest, "newness" scares the crap out of me.
i have such a fear of the unknown, of change....i'm trying to understand it so i can become less afraid.
i'm trying to understand where this deep fear comes from so i can stop worrying about the future and embrace all those good things----the freshness, the newness, the possibilities..
i'm not there yet.

i'm still quietly aching inside for what was.
i still miss what i had.
i just miss my sweet boy.

i am trying.
oh, my heart am i trying.
i feel myself growing, changing......and even that's scary for me.
what if i change too much?  what if i don't change enough? what if i change into something that's not good....or not good enough??
what if i change so much that i'm not the same ME that i remember with my sweet boy....?
 
....who AM i even??
 
i don't really know who i am anymore, and that's a frightening realization altogether.
i'm not sure i've really ever known, except i know for 100 percent certainty that whenever i was holding my beautiful boy, or when i cuddle my sweet girl....that's when i'm the most ME. 
 
i knew myself best when i was caring for my beautiful boy.
 
i'm missing so much of myself since he's been gone.
i'm missing those parts of me that i knew best, those parts of me that i accepted more than any other part of myself.
i'm missing him....i'm missing me.
 i'm not sure i'm making much sense.

it's just hard.
but i'm trying.  i'm trying my hardest to overcome these silent but raging fears of mine.  i'm trying to understand things about myself so i can move forward with a sense of confidence i'm not sure i've ever experienced.
i'm not there yet...
but i'm still trying.



i've got so many good reasons to try.

 
 happy New Year to you.
<3


Sunday, December 28, 2014

simple acts of LOVE.

sigh.

my dad just pulled out of the driveway......i miss him already.
it's so nice when he's here, i love him so much.
i think it always hits me when my dad leaves just how lonely it is...........well, being alone.
my dad is a wonderful man, the best man i know.
he is my person.

having him here, especially during this hard week has been such a comfort to me.
he's been my rock through all of this.
on the nights when i can't breathe----those nights when i really don't know if i can physically go on----he is there.  i pick up the phone and he is there.  just knowing he's there and the strength he gives me makes it so i can breathe just enough to make it through.

this last week was hard.
emotionally, i am exhausted.  i have been feeling SO much....i've been feeling it all and my heart and my mind are just worn out.
my dad's safe hugs, just his presence, helped me get through this week.  just like he helped me get through this time last year.

my dad isn't the only one who helped me this week.
the amount of pure, unconditional LOVE i felt this past week is simply amazing.
so many simple acts of kindness, beautiful gestures of love were shown to me that i will forever be thankful for.
i'm surrounded by so much love and beauty!

every kind message, text, facebook post----i read and appreciate them all.
sometimes a kind word or a simple heart means more to me than anything else could.

hugs.
hugs are the best thing ever.
they've helped heal my soul in a way that nothing else can.
i can't think of anything more comforting or soothing than a big safe hug, especially now, when my arms are so painfully empty without my son.
my sweet boy was my constant hug, he was always in my arms, close to my heart.
my arms are just so bare without him.
hugs help.

the most beautiful gesture of love happened on the night of the 23rd, the night of the one year anniversary of my son's death.
the sweet Young Women from my church planned something so beautiful to honor my beautiful boy, something i will never forget and always be grateful for.
my dad, aubrey and i pulled into our driveway around 8:00 on that night and saw the most beautiful sight.  my driveway was lit up on both sides with candles, leading up to my door where there was a wreath lit up with blue and a "C" hanging in the middle.   it was breathtakingly beautiful.  so tender and sweet.



oh, my heart!!
i can tell you that the love i felt that night was so strong i could almost see it.
these sweet young women from church planned a memorial service in my front yard for my son, my beautiful boy.
the local high school singing group was standing in my lawn and when i stepped out of my dad's car i was serenaded with the most touching music i think i've ever heard.  honestly, i don't even remember what the first song was, i just know that i was feeling a love so strong that it brought me to my knees.
literally, i fell to my knees because my emotions were so BIG and the love was so STRONG.
i could feel my son.
oh my heart, could i feel him!
that love, that feeling of pure LOVE.....that is my son.
i felt it so strong, i felt him so strongly.
it was the most beautiful act of love and kindness i think i've ever been shown.

i'm so blessed.
i have so much love around me and i feel so blessed that i am at a place in my life where i can recognize it, and be humble enough to let it in.
i would be so lost without it, this love.
i couldn't breathe without it.
it's hard enough to breathe as it is......without the love of those around me i couldn't do this.
i know i couldn't.

i'm so grateful for LOVE.
i miss my son.
i miss my sweet boy with every part of my heart.
i'm so grateful for the strength i find in others, for the love that gets me through.

happy Sunday to all of you.
<3

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

one year

oh, it's here.
the 23rd.
one year today.
one year since my beautiful baby boy left this earth.
sigh.

it's heavy.
hard.
 real.
it's here.

it's been a year of 'firsts', and now all the firsts are done.
they're done and this is such a frightening feeling!
in some ways it's a relief, but it's also such a tender, bitter sadness.
panicky, almost.
i don't want time to keep moving forward!
sometimes i just wish i could stop it all because i have a fear that as time moves forward, my memories will be harder to recall.
the senses----smells, sounds, touches, feelings----i fear they will start to fade and bringing them to remembrance will be harder as time goes on......
i'm so afraid of this. 

it's a petrifying fear and with every day that passes it intensifies a little bit more.
 it's a quiet fear, one that doesn't voice itself out loud but is silently screaming at me from inside.
i don't want to forget!
i CAN'T forget my son, those little things---the smells, touches, those perfect feelings.... 



i'm afraid they'll start to fade away and that terrifies my soul.
 
the only thing i'm certain of is the love.
i know the love won't fade----it can't.  it's a part of me and i would not be myself without it.
i love my son so much.

i'm just so afraid of life without him----every day i'm moving further away from the life i knew and loved, the life i cherished with my sweet boy.....i'm moving away from it and out into the unknown.
it's a scary feeling.

i'm terrified, really.
i feel so lost most days.  i feel vulnerable and exposed without my son here to blanket me.  he was my constant companion, my ever-present comfort.
i'm learning how to function in this world without my soul mate.
it's hard.

one thing that has anchored me, has been my grounding compass, is my sweet girl.
she is my saving grace.
my best friend.
we've grieved together, cried together, laughed together, and continue to love together.
she is amazing, my little girl.

she has handled things so BIG, and she's done it with such grace and simple beauty.
i learn so much from her, from both of my babies.

you'd be SO proud of Sissy, Connie.  she's doing everything perfectly, just like you always did.  she misses you!!  oh, how she misses "her Connie".....she talks about you all the time, buddy-boo.  she draws me things, she draws me angels all the time.  angel wings with blue hearts.  she knows my heart, she knows my need to keep remembering.  i think she can feel you in a much simpler way than i can.  thank you for that, sweet boy.  please keep close to her, keep watch over her like we talked about.  she needs you.  WE need you
we will always need you. 


 i love my children.
i miss my son.
it's been a year.
today is hard.

12 months, buddy-boo...
do you know how much mommy loves you?
mommy remembers, i remember everything.
please help me not to forget the little things.
i love you, my sweet boy.

you'll be in my heart......
always.
<3