7 months today.
seven of the longest months i'll ever know.
seven seems like such a big number, somehow so much bigger than six.
over half a year.
there are some moments where it feels like just yesterday i was holding my sweet baby boy in my arms. sometimes i can still hear him breathing at night, i swear i hear him cough and i almost get up to go suction him.......but then i remember. i remember that he's not here and it hurts so badly all over again. that pain of just remembering-----that is a pain i cannot describe.
it's all so hard.
i was looking through my camera a couple nights ago, looking at pictures starting a few years back.
as i went through the pictures chronologically, i saw the progression of my beautiful boy's unknown disease. i saw him grow weaker and the pain grow so much bigger for him as time went by.
i could see it in his beautiful face, and i could feel it through his eyes.
i have several video clips on my camera that i took and on those precious clips i could even hear it in his tender little voice. his little whimpers and soft little whines became so much more labored and frantic as the videos went on.
i could see my sweet boy slowly being taken away from me right there on my very own camera.
i have so many pictures of him.
i think i took at least 20 a day. it's like i knew i would want them----would need them all in such a short time. i took pictures of all the creases in his skin, all his fingers and toes, his eyes, nose, mouth, sweet little lips, and his perfectly beautiful almost uni-brow:)
i wanted to remember every bit of him, and i do.
if i close my eyes i can still feel how he felt, sitting so perfectly in my lap, with my arms around him just so. i can feel my body rocking with his, balancing his ever constant movements.
i can still feel him.
i hope that remembrance never goes away.
that's one of my fears as time goes on......i fear that i will forget the little things that i want so badly to remember always.
you can't take away memories, right?
i know i will always have my memories. and i'll always have my love.
there is nothing on this earth strong or powerful enough to take that away from me.
it's been seven inconceivable months, and i am still here.
i have hope and faith for the future, that i will be made strong enough to handle it as it comes.
i miss my sweet boy, what i wouldn't give to go back 7 months or a year so i could just hold him!!
mommy misses you, buddy boo.
i am trying my best. your sister and i are still laughing, smiling, and loving each other so BIG!
we miss you more than anything and can't wait til we can see you again.
seven months closer to that day.
love you, sweet boy.