Sunday, August 17, 2014

stress and wishes.

it's Sunday again, another busy week has passed.
my head is so full of thoughts and worries and stresses.....
i start school in three (3!!!) days.
i miss my beautiful boy.
i ran another 5k yesterday, Team Angel Connie, in honor of my sweet boy.
my dad is in Brazil for a couple weeks, and it always makes me a little uneasy having him out of the country....
i miss my beautiful boy.
i am stressed about things in aubrey's life, trying to make sure she's safe and comfortable and able to deal with such big things that are going on in her little world----and trying to do it all without hurting or upsetting anyone's hard!!
i am stressed!!
did i mention school starts in three days??!
i miss my beautiful boy.
i miss my sweet little boy so much i can't even explain.
i am so stressed.

and when i get really stressed, the only thing i really want to do is to hold my sweet boy...

 i miss holding him so much.
no matter what was going on in my life, or how stressed i got, i knew that holding my sweet baby boy would calm my nerves and ease any stress that was happening around me.

 now he's gone and i don't have that----i don't have my biggest source of comfort and most days i just don't know what to do.
i am lost.
i miss him so much.
so much.

i started running in a couple different 5k races (something i thought i'd NEVER do), in memory of my sweet boy.
Team Angel Connie.
i'm not the best runner, i don't do it for time or exercise or anything else-----i do it because it helps.  in the smallest way, it helps to know that i'm running for a purpose.  i'm running for my beautiful boy, my perfect little angel.
it's not much, but it helps.
it helps to know that i can still do something for him, with him right on my back.
it makes me the most happy when other runners ask, "what's the C for?"
and then i can tell them, "my son passed away in December, so we're running for him....for Angel Connor."
and it helps.
i can talk about him, and it helps.
it doesn't help much, but it helps a little bit......and i'll take what i can get.
i just miss him so much.
i wish more than anything i could just hold him, i wish i could hold him and feel my stress melt away.
i wish life didn't scare me or stress me out so much....
i wish i had all the right answers on how to help and guide and direct my little girl in her life, and to keep her safe from all of it....
i wish i knew that i could do the things that frighten me.....
i wish i had more confidence in myself and my decisions....
i just wish things could be different, that i could have my beautiful boy in my arms.......and not in my wishes.

i cannot change the way things are.
i can only hope, and have faith, and keep trying.
so that's what i'll do.

i miss my son.
i miss the comfort he brought to my arms, and the peace he brought to my soul.
i just miss him.
happy Sunday to you.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

conquering fears.

it's Sunday yet again.
it's been a busy week, full of birthday goodness and my very first 5k yesterday!
i put together "Team Angel Connie" with some of my best friends and we ran in honor of my sweet boy.

it was fun, and not nearly as scary or hard as i was imagining it to be.
i was nervous, but i'm glad i conquered my fear and went outside my comfort zone to do this race.
it meant so much to me to be able to do something like this for my beautiful little boy.
and having great friends and cheerleaders there to urge us along was the best part of it all.

i worked on making the capes all week, and thought of my sweet boy the entire time.
each time i drew another angel wing it hit me son is an angel.
he's an angel because he's not here with me anymore.
 he's not here with me anymore and now he's a beautiful little angel.
i just miss him so much!
i miss my beautiful little boy, my sweet angel.
i just miss him.

i start college in 10 days.
i am beyond nervous for this.
i know it's a positive thing, and a step i need to take for mine and aubrey's future, but i'm scared.
i know i will probably be just fine and it will all turn out ok, but i can't help being anxious.
going to college, taking that step forward in my life, also means that life is moving forward......without my sweet boy.
and that's hard.
it's all just hard.
every day, every step forward i take in my life, takes me further away from the life i know, from the life i knew so well-----the life i loved---taking care of my beautiful boy.
i took care of my sweet boy's every single need, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 wonderful years.
and i loved it!
no matter what else happens in my life, no matter how many more beautiful or wonderful things transpire in my lifetime............i will always miss those years.
those 6 years will forever be something i ache for, long for, no matter what else happens.
i would have been perfectly happy taking care of my beautiful boy for the rest of my life, but that's not the plan Heavenly Father had for me.
oh, how i wish it was!! 

now i just need to move forward, in faith, and trust that i will be ok no matter what this "new" life brings me.
nothing will ever be the same, or as sweet or comforting as it once was, but i need to figure out how to live my best life anyway.
i am trying.
i am figuring it out minute by minute.
i have faith.
i miss my beautiful angel boy.

happy Sunday to you.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

happy birthday aubrey.

on August 6, life changed forever.
i gave birth to the most perfectly perfect little baby girl and became the person i was meant to be----a mother.
my whole life changed, in the best way possible, when i held my sweet baby girl.
my little Aubrey Monet.

today she turns 8.
8 years old, and so much has happened to her in her lifetime, things i wish i could have prevented or protected her from.
and none of it was her fault.
she has been through so much in her short little life, more than any little girl should have to experience.  i couldn't keep any of it from happening, but the one thing i have always been able to do is love her with my whole heart.
she stole my heart from day one and hasn't let it go since.
she is my BFF, my best friend forever.
every night i ask her, "Best Friends Forever?"  and she tells me, "Best Friends Forever."
i hope she means it as much as i do.
she is my best friend, and always will be.
she helps me way more than she will ever realize, she is my saving grace and my silly little friend.
because of her, i have been able to keep smiling, keep laughing, keep loving, keep living.

there's something very unique about my sweet girl-----she has the most tender, loving, caring heart of anyone i know.  she is the best sister a special little brother could have asked for.  i know my sweet boy and my sweet girl knew each other before this life, and that aubrey was anxiously waiting the 16 months it took to bring her brother back to her here on earth.
and i know she was his best friend too, and understood him in a way that is uniquely her own.
they were perfect together, and she misses him more than she can even come to terms with.
she will see him again someday, and the joy of that reunion is something i know she looks forward to and holds on to when the nights get hard.

she is my beautiful baby, and always will be.

Dear Aubrey, 
i know this life is rough and sometimes hard and scary.  but as your mom (mommy), i promise to always be here for you and to always love you with my whole heart, no matter what.  i love you infinitely more today than i did yesterday and will love you that much more tomorrow.
you make me happy.  never forget what a beautiful daughter of God you are.
Love you forever, mommy

last night i went through the pictures on my computer and tried to pick out some of my "favorites" seems that all of them are my favorite, so be prepared for a lot.
i couldn't help it, she's too cute:)


i love you, sweet girl.
Best Friends Forever.