Sunday, September 14, 2014

who am i without him?

it's been a long time since i've written.
i've been so busy, so stressed, so much going on.

my dad was here all week, helping out my sister with her new baby and also for my sweet girl's baptism last Saturday.

let's talk about that:)
my beautiful little girl chose to be baptized on the 6th of September, and it was a wonderful day.

i know she felt loved and special, and she had so much support on her special day.

it meant a lot to her to have Papa baptize her; to me too.

she even wore the same dress i wore when i was 8 and baptized by my dad.
it was special for both of us.
she is so beautiful and i'm so proud of her.
she's been through so much.
too much for a tender girl, only 8 years old.
her Connie was there, we could feel him.
i know he's so proud of his Sissy and the decisions she's making and the way she's handling life without him.
she has been dealt a difficult hand in her short life, and she's handled it all so well.
she is strong, but oh, how she misses her brother...
oh, how i miss my sweet boy.
 oh, how we miss him!

school is proving to be an immense challenge for me, in every way possible.
i am going at it full force, giving it everything i can.......and it's hard.
it's a challenge because of my fears and anxieties surrounding the social aspect of it all...
it's a challenge because of my 12 year hiatus from any type of schooling...
it's a challenge because, well, it's just challenging.
and the biggest challenge of all is not having my beautiful boy at the end of the day to calm all my fears.
i don't have my biggest source of comfort anymore and it hurts.
i miss him so much.

everyone i talk to or interact with or just see walking by, i want to scream, "I HAD A SON!!  I HAD A SON AND HE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND NOW HE'S GONE!!!  YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY SON!!!"
i had a son.

who am i without my son?
i am trying so hard to figure that out.
the problem is i don't want to be anything without him.....i don't want to have to be anything else besides with him.
i miss being with him.
i just miss him so much.
it's scary to me to be myself when one of the best parts of me is gone.
my sweet boy was one of the things i loved most about me.....we were part of each other and i learned to love myself through those very same parts.
my kids are the best parts of me.
 now one of those parts is gone.
and it's hard.
it's hard to be 'me' without him.

i don't feel like me.
i just miss him.
i just do.
happy Sunday to you.


Sunday, August 31, 2014

he is with me.

it's Sunday.
and there's no school tomorrow for Labor Day.
i am trying to use this time to get ahead of my schoolwork.  maybe that will alleviate some of the stress?? (maybe)
i am definitely stressed.
going back to college is doing exactly what i expected it to do----keeping me occupied.
my mind is occupied from the moment i wake up, to the moment i finally fall asleep.  (and then in some of my dreams, too)  but it's not just with school.  my beautiful boy is on my mind constantly.  i miss him so much that sometimes it still hurts to breathe.
i am thankful for the challenge of school, because it keeps me physically occupied every day........but it still has to share space in my head with thoughts of my sweet boy.
every step i take as i'm walking to a different building for a different class----i'm wishing my sweet boy was somewhere waiting for me.
every time i catch a glimpse of the blue in my hair i wish more than anything it was gone and he was here.
when someone comments on the blue of my glasses or the paint on my toes----it takes everything i have not to fall to pieces right in front of them.
i miss my son.
i miss him when i'm busy and surrounded by people, and i miss him when i'm sitting by myself at home, alone.
i just miss him.
 it's a strange {and awful} feeling to be walking among hundreds of people every day and not one of them knows me.  they will never know me because they never knew my son.  it's such an empty feeling to know that anyone i meet from now on won't even know about my beautiful boy, besides what i tell them.  they won't know about the way he moved, or how he felt or what cute sounds he made when i touched his eyebrows.  they won't know the sound of his breathing, before and after suctioning.  they won't know about the sweet smell of his breath.  they will never know the way his little lips puckered when mommy asked him if he wanted just one more kiss, or the way he could stick out his tongue to answer 'yes'.......they won't know any of this, and that breaks my heart.

i won't stop telling people.
i won't ever stop telling people about my sweet baby boy, or talking about him, or thinking about him, or longing for him.
i can't.
he is still a part of me {still the best part of me, along with his sister}.
he is still with me-----as i walk to class, as i learn knew things, as i stress myself out over every assignment.....  he is with me as i sit on the floor at night, right next to his 'bed' that's still laying in the middle of the living room, untouched.......he is with me as i cry until there are no more tears left......he is with me as i comfort his sister, who is mourning the loss of 'her Connie'......
he is with me.

he's still with me, just not in the way i so desperately miss.
my arms will never stop wishing they could just hold him.
my lips will never stop missing his sweet kisses.
my heart will never stop wishing he was here with me.
i will never stop missing my beautiful boy.
 ..........until the day i get to see him again.
i have complete faith and hope that my beautiful boy will be in my arms again someday.
until that day i have to move forward with the trust that it will all be ok.
i am trying.
every day i am still trying.

it helps to know that he is still with me.

happy Sunday to you.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

oh, my heart.

it's Sunday:)
aubrey and i had a good day at church.
when we got home we decided to go take her pre-baptism pictures.
see, my sweet girl is getting baptized in 2 weeks.
in our church, when a child turns 8 they have the choice to get baptized.   aubrey has chosen to do so and i couldn't be more proud or happy.  all the other little girls her age at church have already been baptized, she's the last one in the bunch:)  they all had such cute pictures taken in their little white dresses so i thought i'd do the same for aubrey.  what makes it even more special is that she's wearing the dress i was baptized in almost 23 years ago when i turned 8.
i asked her where she wanted to take the pictures----we could go to one of the temples, or a garden, or anywhere she'd like-----she immediately said, "I want to go to Connie's grave!"
oh, my heart.

so that's what we did today.  we went to our beautiful boy's spot and took (what i think are) some beautiful pictures.
i love this little girl with all my heart, and the way that she loves her brother---her Connie---makes me happier than i can express.
i love that she wants to include him in such big important events in her life.
i love that i can feel him so near.
i love that she can too.

i love my sweet babies.
happy Sunday to you.


Saturday, August 23, 2014

8 months

8 months today.
i still don't understand how eight months can feel like a million lifetimes...
it feels like it's been lifetimes since i've seen my sweet boy, since i've held him in my arms.
 i miss him so much.

i started school....................
i am stressed!!
i am worried i can't do it, that i will fail.
i am going to try my best, of course, but i still worry it won't be enough.
i miss my son.

the biggest emotion i have felt this week (besides stress), is sadness.  i miss my sweet boy so much, and the fact that i am in college and able to go to school------ it's because my sweet boy is gone.
i shouldn't be here!!  i should be at HOME with my son!  i should be taking care of my sweet baby, he should BE HERE and i should be at home with him!!

but he's not here.
and i'm not with him.
instead, i'm walking to class........or driving home from school.......or worrying about all my assignments and what papers i'm going to write first.....
i just miss him.  and i would give anything to go back to that life that i knew and loved.
 but i can't.
i can't and i have to figure out a way to move forward. (even though it scares the living daylights out of me)
i don't really know how to do it yet.
i am hoping i will figure things out with time.
i'm hoping the grief that is smothering me will lift just enough to where i can breathe......i just need to be able to breathe enough to survive the day.
day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
that is how i will make it.
i hope.
i know my beautiful boy is with me, urging me along every step of the way.
i do know's just hard when i wish he were in my arms instead.
i will keep trying!
that's all i can do.
i miss my beautiful little boy.
"8 months" doesn't make sense to's been so much longer according to my heart.
mommy misses you, buddy-boo.
so much.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

stress and wishes.

it's Sunday again, another busy week has passed.
my head is so full of thoughts and worries and stresses.....
i start school in three (3!!!) days.
i miss my beautiful boy.
i ran another 5k yesterday, Team Angel Connie, in honor of my sweet boy.
my dad is in Brazil for a couple weeks, and it always makes me a little uneasy having him out of the country....
i miss my beautiful boy.
i am stressed about things in aubrey's life, trying to make sure she's safe and comfortable and able to deal with such big things that are going on in her little world----and trying to do it all without hurting or upsetting anyone's hard!!
i am stressed!!
did i mention school starts in three days??!
i miss my beautiful boy.
i miss my sweet little boy so much i can't even explain.
i am so stressed.

and when i get really stressed, the only thing i really want to do is to hold my sweet boy...

 i miss holding him so much.
no matter what was going on in my life, or how stressed i got, i knew that holding my sweet baby boy would calm my nerves and ease any stress that was happening around me.

 now he's gone and i don't have that----i don't have my biggest source of comfort and most days i just don't know what to do.
i am lost.
i miss him so much.
so much.

i started running in a couple different 5k races (something i thought i'd NEVER do), in memory of my sweet boy.
Team Angel Connie.
i'm not the best runner, i don't do it for time or exercise or anything else-----i do it because it helps.  in the smallest way, it helps to know that i'm running for a purpose.  i'm running for my beautiful boy, my perfect little angel.
it's not much, but it helps.
it helps to know that i can still do something for him, with him right on my back.
it makes me the most happy when other runners ask, "what's the C for?"
and then i can tell them, "my son passed away in December, so we're running for him....for Angel Connor."
and it helps.
i can talk about him, and it helps.
it doesn't help much, but it helps a little bit......and i'll take what i can get.
i just miss him so much.
i wish more than anything i could just hold him, i wish i could hold him and feel my stress melt away.
i wish life didn't scare me or stress me out so much....
i wish i had all the right answers on how to help and guide and direct my little girl in her life, and to keep her safe from all of it....
i wish i knew that i could do the things that frighten me.....
i wish i had more confidence in myself and my decisions....
i just wish things could be different, that i could have my beautiful boy in my arms.......and not in my wishes.

i cannot change the way things are.
i can only hope, and have faith, and keep trying.
so that's what i'll do.

i miss my son.
i miss the comfort he brought to my arms, and the peace he brought to my soul.
i just miss him.
happy Sunday to you.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

conquering fears.

it's Sunday yet again.
it's been a busy week, full of birthday goodness and my very first 5k yesterday!
i put together "Team Angel Connie" with some of my best friends and we ran in honor of my sweet boy.

it was fun, and not nearly as scary or hard as i was imagining it to be.
i was nervous, but i'm glad i conquered my fear and went outside my comfort zone to do this race.
it meant so much to me to be able to do something like this for my beautiful little boy.
and having great friends and cheerleaders there to urge us along was the best part of it all.

i worked on making the capes all week, and thought of my sweet boy the entire time.
each time i drew another angel wing it hit me son is an angel.
he's an angel because he's not here with me anymore.
 he's not here with me anymore and now he's a beautiful little angel.
i just miss him so much!
i miss my beautiful little boy, my sweet angel.
i just miss him.

i start college in 10 days.
i am beyond nervous for this.
i know it's a positive thing, and a step i need to take for mine and aubrey's future, but i'm scared.
i know i will probably be just fine and it will all turn out ok, but i can't help being anxious.
going to college, taking that step forward in my life, also means that life is moving forward......without my sweet boy.
and that's hard.
it's all just hard.
every day, every step forward i take in my life, takes me further away from the life i know, from the life i knew so well-----the life i loved---taking care of my beautiful boy.
i took care of my sweet boy's every single need, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 wonderful years.
and i loved it!
no matter what else happens in my life, no matter how many more beautiful or wonderful things transpire in my lifetime............i will always miss those years.
those 6 years will forever be something i ache for, long for, no matter what else happens.
i would have been perfectly happy taking care of my beautiful boy for the rest of my life, but that's not the plan Heavenly Father had for me.
oh, how i wish it was!! 

now i just need to move forward, in faith, and trust that i will be ok no matter what this "new" life brings me.
nothing will ever be the same, or as sweet or comforting as it once was, but i need to figure out how to live my best life anyway.
i am trying.
i am figuring it out minute by minute.
i have faith.
i miss my beautiful angel boy.

happy Sunday to you.