Sunday, April 13, 2014

faith and trust.

hey, it's Sunday again.
it's been a bit of a rough week for me---emotionally.
yesterday my friend came over with some blue flowers to plant in my front yard.
i love them.
 they will remind me of my sweet boy every time i pull in to my driveway.  they match the blue ribbons that still line my railing and my trees and fence perfectly.

on wednesday, my beautiful boy's headstone was placed.
 it's so perfect, and turned out exactly the way i hoped it would, but it was hard seeing it.
seeing it in the ground, so real, so hard, so permanent.
it's there.
it's in the ground.
it's real.
the dates are carved in stone---Dec. 18, 2007-Dec. 23, 2013
he's not coming back.
my sweet boy is gone and he won't be coming back.

  of course, i knew all this before.
there's just something excruciatingly different about seeing it all right there in front of me.

i miss him so much.
last night i cried harder than i have in weeks.  i cry every night, but these were the whole body, soul-shaking sobs that seem to come from a place so deep inside i can't control it.
i just want him to come back, i cry out for him to just come back...
but i know he can't, he won't, and that creates a feeling so deep and lonely and helpless that i will never come close to being able to describe it.
the only thing that brings any sort of comfort or relief is knowing that i will see him again someday.  i will be able to hold my sweet baby again, in the next glorious life.
i just wish it were here, and now.
patience is a virtue i need to come to terms with, one i need to accept and make peace with.  i hate the fact that i will have to wait.  i want more than anything to race ahead, to move it all along so i can be in the presence of my beautiful little boy again.  now, i want it now!
but, i will wait.
i will continue to do my best to be present, here.  now.  i will keep striving to make peace with this new impossible concept of time that has been thrust upon me.
i will do my best to live in a way my sweet boy would be proud of.  in a way that my sweet girl can be proud of.

i want to enjoy my life, this beautiful life i have been given.
i want to surround myself with people that care, people who truly love me for me and all of my messy parts.
and i want to do the same for them.
i want to conquer things inside of me that are holding me back.  i want to learn how to just be.  
i am trying.
every day i am trying.
it is all so hard, and at times just seems impossible.  but i know that all things are possible through my Savior, so that is where i'll place my faith and my trust.  in my Savior and in the things that are to come.
 i have faith, i do.
happy Sunday to all of you.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

mixed emotions.

it's Sunday.
this weekend is General Conference weekend, something i look forward to twice a year.
this is my first time watching without my sweet boy in my lap.
i have been listening with such intent, i want to be guided and directed.  especially now, i need guidance and direction as i try and find my way without my beautiful boy.
there have been several messages i feel were meant for me.  i am so grateful for Conference and for the talks given.  every day is so hard for me, and through the gospel of Jesus Christ i find hope.
without this hope i know i wouldn't be able to survive the day.

last night i went to a concert with two of my friends.  they bought me a ticket and invited me to go with them.
i had a great time, i really did.
but it did not escape me for one second that the reason i was able to go was because my son was gone.  i had such mixed emotions about going, about being able to go.  i truly enjoyed myself and am so glad i went.  but in the back of my mind i couldn't erase the feeling that i shouldn't be there.....i should be home, with my son.
i would give everything to be able to just stay home with my beautiful boy.
i am trying so hard to "live life".
it's just hard.
i am grateful for moments of happiness and joy.
i am grateful for friends and people that truly love and care about me.
i am grateful for the gospel.
i am grateful.
happy Sunday.

Friday, April 4, 2014

special things.

during the week before Connor's funeral i was so numb. 
so busy and so numb.
when i look back now, it all seems so i'm seeing it in third person.  i can see myself doing everything, going through all the motions, but i don't fully remember it because i wasn't really there.
i remember the viewing, i remember standing in the same spot for hours, seeing lots of people, but it's all a blur.
i think i kept saying out loud how numb i was.  like i needed to say it so something could seem real.  my beautiful boy was laying beside me, in his could that be real?? 
i am grateful for the numbness, i realize now how necessary it was to not feel, to not be able to fully experience that pain and sadness at that time.
i would not have survived it.

after the viewing and before the funeral the next day, i gathered the things i wanted to leave with my sweet boy.
there were some special things i needed to give him before they closed the casket, things he needed to have, things i wanted my sweet baby to have.
in all honesty, i wanted to climb in beside him.  i wanted to climb in, hold him tight and never let him go.
sometimes i still wish i could.

the first thing i gave him was this special little dog, a perfect match to the one i have had since i was three years old.  mine is named Baxter, this is Sad Sam.  and Aubrey has one too.  i made them all matching superhero capes.
it was important to me that my sweet boy was not alone, that he would have someone to keep him company and safe so he wouldn't feel scared and alone.

the next special thing i placed in the casket was this necklace.
i ordered this necklace a few months earlier and wasn't sure exactly what i was going to do with it or who i was going to give it to.
it says thank you.

 i felt like it was perfect for my son.
there will never be words adequate enough to describe what he has done for me, for the way he saved my life.  i hope i told him enough.  i hope i thanked him enough for everything he did, for every day and ever moment he blessed my life.  two simple words: thank you.......i just needed him to know that i meant it.  that i will forever be grateful to him for what he did for me.
 i'd give anything to say it to him one more time.

the next special thing was this necklace.
my wonderful friend and neighbor gave this necklace set to Aubrey.  she has the other half and wears it all the time.  Connor has this half.  it gives me great joy to know they will always have these, something so special to serve as a reminder of their unique relationship.  they truly were Best Friends, and they will be Forever.

 the last special thing i had to give to my son was this medal.
my dad earned this when he was younger, along with his eagle scout award and gave it to Connor about 3 years ago.
my dad knew Connor would most likely never be able to participate or earn anything like this for himself so he wanted him to have his.  he said, "he has more than earned it already.  he is fulfilling his Duty to God every single day".
i know my beautiful boy fulfilled his duty here on earth.
i know he was sent here to help me, and so many other people, as many as would take the time to listen and observe.
i know Heavenly Father is more than pleased with him, and that he is in His safe keeping.
i miss him so much.  all the time.  every day.
i would give anything to be able to hold him for just one more minute, to tell him how much i love and adore him and how thankful i am that i got to be his mommy.
he was my most special thing.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Tear Soup.

i started taking aubrey to a counselor about a year and a half before connor died.
i wanted her to be comfortable with someone, and able to talk to them if something were to happen to her baby brother.
i am so glad we did this.  i think it has helped her to be able to have that outlet, to have someone besides me to sort her feelings out with.

yesterday she had an appointment with her counselor and they read a book called "Tear Soup"
i wait in the waiting room so i didn't get to hear the story, but i did get to read the one aubrey made up.
it made me cry.  and smile.  and feel so proud of her.
she is such a good kid.
wise beyond her years, and so strong.
i love her.
here is her story/recipe:

Aubrey's Tear Soup

  •  5 gallons of Happy Memories
  • 1 cup of Sad Memories
  • 3 cups of Seeing my brother's room
  • A pinch of the Tarzan Song
  • Add some of The Connor Club
  • 10 Blue Bracelets
  • A few hours of Watching TV
  • Visiting Connor's grave whenever you want
  • Talking to mom every day
  • 3 buckets full of Papa
  • A lot of Art Projects 
  • Crying a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot

Pour in the happy memories, sprinkle in the sad memories.  Dump in seeing my brother's room every night.  Add a pinch of the Tarzan Song whenever it's on the radio.  Stir it together.  Add in some of The Connor Club with the 10 bracelets.  Simmer for an hour.  Then add a few hours of watching TV (Sophia the First works best).  Visit Connor's grave whenever you want and talk to mom every day.  Then add the buckets of Papa, a lot of art projects and all of the crying (which is a lot).  Let it cook on the stove.  Stir it a little bit.  When you see the soup turn into a heart, you know it is done.  Share it with the people you love.

oh, my heart.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

be still and listen.

it feels like it's been forever since i've written.
  it's been one week.
  but time seems to do that lately---i swear that years have passed, and then realize it's only been days, or weeks.  i am having such a hard time understanding this new concept of time.  i don't get it.
i miss my son.
i feel like there is so much going on in my life, or rather, i'm working so hard at so many things in my life, and i just ache for the familiar calm that came with holding my sweet boy.
working on myself, working hard at changing myself for the better is hard, and scary, and at times so chaotic yet so rewarding......but at the end of the day i just want to hold my sweet boy.  because i feel like that would make things better.  everything always made sense, even if it was only for a short period of time, when i was holding my beautiful boy.
my biggest source of comfort has been taken away and i am constantly searching for new ways to find it.
it's hard.
but i'm trying.
every day i'm trying so hard to do my best, to be my best.  i want so badly to make good choices, good decisions, and to be a good mom to aubrey and a good person in general.  it's hard to explain but it feels like this was all so much easier when Connor was here with me, in my arms.  it's as if i had the most accurate Life Compass, always with me, always by my side pointing me exactly where i needed to go.......and then it was just ripped away from me without warning.  and now i'm here--disoriented, trying to find my way through the thickest of fogs. 
if that makes any sense.
i am grateful for the guidance i still have, i know the general direction i need to go--it's just harder, and scarier.  and not the same.  learning to live with the 'not the same' is the challenge.  but i know that great strength comes from great challenge.  so i am trying to be strong, trying to grow strong. 

i'm so grateful for my little girl and the love she gives me.
she helps me more than she'll ever realize.
i'm happy we have each other, and that we have our sweet angel, guiding and directing us if we'll just be still and listen.

 happy Sunday.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

3 months.

this Sunday is a particularly hard one.
today is 3 months.
3 months since my beautiful boy died, 3 months since i've held my son.

 three months.
i can't believe it's only been 3 months.
how is it possible that 3 months seems like 3 decades??
how is it possible that time is so deceiving?
how is it possible that my son is gone?
how am i still living when my heart stopped beating that day......
how is it all possible?
i miss him so much.
it feels like so many things have happened since he died, yet sometimes it feels like nothing is changed at all.  like i will walk in the living room one day and expect him to be there, rolling on the floor, needing to be suctioned.  or i'll turn around in the van and hope he'll still be there in his carseat, kicking his feet and squirming away.  or i wake up at night, and swear i hear his breathing.  i want to get up and go across the hall and suction my sweet boy.
but he's not there.
and he's not in the van, or in the living room.
he's not here.
he's gone.
and now the only way to feel him is to close my eyes and let him in.
sometimes i can feel him right away, without trying really.
other times i try so desperately, so frantically to feel my son and if i can't i panic.
i want to feel him.
i want him to be with me all the time, like he was when he was still here, still alive, in my arms.
i miss him being in my arms.
i miss him being with me, all the time.
he was always with me.  always.
and now he's not.
  or he is, but it's different.  it's harder.
it's not the same.
it will never be the same, and that is something i am learning how to live with.
i am so incredibly grateful for the time i got to spend with my son.  yes, it was far too short and full of trials of every kind......but i wouldn't change any of it for one second.  i know how lucky i was to be the one who got to care for him.  i know how much he blessed every aspect of my life.  i know he was sent to me to help me, to save me.  and i know i will see him again.
one day we will be together again.
and on that day will be the beginning of our forever.
i cannot wait for that day.
and yet i know i need to live this life now.
i need to remember, while i'm in the depths of my grief, that this life will be but a brief stop on our long journey of forever.
i can get through this life because of the knowledge i have of the next.
and i have a sweet girl that makes this life so worth living.
we miss our sweet boy, our Connie.
everyday is a hard day for me.
but i can do hard things.
or i can try......and trying is something i continue to do every single day.
i am trying.
i am living.
i am sad.
but i will be ok.
 all i have to do is close my eyes and let him in.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

we need you.

Sunday has arrived.
we are ready for pictures...
have i mentioned lately how much i love this girl?
cause i do.

we decided to have baby Connie join us today...
 oh, i miss him so much.

kisses for baby Connie.

she said she was holding the picture "just like i used to hold Connie".
i miss the two of them together.
i know she does too.

then we let our beautiful boy choose the next pose, and of course this was always his favorite...
we miss you, buddy boo.
fancy pants still aren't the same without you, but we are trying.
we're trying our very hardest and we know you're helping us.
we need you, more than anyone knows.
we love you, sweet boy.