my heart hurts today.
10 seems like such a big number....
.....yet still so small compared to how long it feels.
it feels like years.
years since i held my sweet baby boy.
oh, i miss him.
i don't know if i'm doing it right---this whole grieving process.
i know i'm not 'okay'....
i don't think i'll ever be 'okay'....
i know some days are less crippling than others.
but some days i still can't breathe.
i hear a song or smell a familiar smell or catch a glimpse of something blue or superman......
and i forget how to breathe.
the reality of it all consumes me and i can't remember how to breathe.
the reality is that my beautiful little boy is gone.
he's gone and it hurts.
it will always hurt.
i just miss him.
i'm still here though.
i am here and i'm trying.
i am getting through the days----focusing on school and my sweet girl.
the nights are a bit tougher----but i manage to get through those too, and still wake up the next morning.
i am trying.
i am living and learning and searching for direction.
i am sad and i am happy.
i can still feel things, good and bad.
i was worried that the good would be lost, after losing my sweet boy.
i worried i would never feel anything good again, not fully anyway.
i was wrong about that.
i can still feel things that are good, things that are happy.
i can still feel pure love----when i look into my sweet girl's eyes, and when i remember my beautiful boy's perfect love.
i can still feel his spirit, even when the sadness takes over.
i feel sad and that's okay too.
sometimes everything just sucks.
it's all hard.
i'm living and learning, figuring it out as i go.
holding onto faith and hope---clinging desperately to eternal promises.
today it hurts.
today i will try and remember how to breathe.