Wednesday, April 23, 2014

4 months.

4 months today.
four months since the day my beautiful boy died.
still can't believe it.  it's still so hard.  in many ways it's harder, as time goes by.
i miss him so much.
so so much.
i know every day that passes is one day closer to being able to see my sweet baby again, and sometimes that makes it easier to deal with.....but most of the time it's just hard.
it just is.
i've been looking back through my blog posts from this time last year.
one year ago, i was holding my sweet boy.
i was worrying about his breathing, about these new 'episodes' he was starting to have.
i had no clue what was going to happen.
i didn't know that these episodes were foretelling signs of what was to come.
i didn't know that he was in fact, slowly dying.
i didn't know that in 8 months time he would be gone.
i worried about all these things, but i didn't know.
i just didn't know.
all i knew was that i loved him.
that's all i really know now.
i just love him.
i love my son and i hate that he's gone.
i miss his sweet face and his comforting presence in my arms.
i just miss him.
i miss me with him.
i miss us.

here are some photos i found while looking back.
they are all i have left to share.
i remember every moment that was captured in these pictures.
i can remember how i was feeling, how he felt in my arms, the way he smelled, how he was breathing, the sounds he made and how he was feeling at that exact moment.
i remember everything, and i hang on to those feelings with every ounce of my being.
i am grateful for my memories.
they are all i have left.

mommy misses you, sweet boy.
thank you for helping me get through this.
i love you forever.

Monday, April 21, 2014

funeral, the last photos.

these are the last photos i have, the last 'new' ones i will ever be able to share about my sweet boy.
i have been holding on to them, not wanting to share because i don't want to accept the fact that these are it.  there are no more.
these are from my beautiful boy's funeral---the burial.
my dear friend graciously took these pictures, and i'm so glad she did.
i was so numb that my mind shut down, and i wouldn't have remembered much, so i am grateful for these photos.
i think i will let them speak for i cannot find words that even come close to being able to describe my feelings on this day.

 this is the day i buried a piece of my soul.

 "come stop your crying, it will be alright.
just take my hand, hold it tight.
i will protect you from all around you, i will be here don't you cry.

for one so small, you seem so strong.
my arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm.
this bond between us can't be broken.
i will be here, don't you cry.

cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more.

why can't they understand the way we feel?
they just don't trust what they can't explain.
i know we're different but deep inside us we're not that different at all.

you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more.

when destiny calls you, you must be strong!
i may not be with you, but you've got to hold on!

they'll see in time.....i know we'll show them together.
cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.
from this day on, now and forever more...."

mommy misses you so much, buddy boo.
i love you, sweet boy.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

He is risen

it's Sunday.
Easter Sunday.
ahh, i miss my sweet boy!
every day, every holiday, everything i do----is a reminder that he isn't here anymore.
he's gone, and it's hard.
putting together only one Easter basket tears at my heart.
buying only one fancy pants Easter outfit is like a kick in the gut.
everything i do now is for only one.
oh how i wish it could be for two again!
but it can't, i know this.
and i am so grateful for the fact that i still have my sweet girl.

 she blesses my life every second of the day.  i could not do this without her.
and i am grateful that my beautiful boy is safe and celebrating this Easter in the presence of his Savior.
how wonderful would that be?
this year especially, i am so fully aware of what today really means.

"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." (John 11:35)
Christ died for us so that we may live again.
this brings such comfort to my soul, you have no idea.  i have always believed this to be true, but never have i fully understood it until now.

"He is not here: for he has risen."
He has risen!
i know that my Savior lives and was resurrected and that through Him we can all be made perfect, and live again.
i know that i will see my sweet boy again, and when that day comes he will be walking and talking, without limits or disabilities.  he will be perfect, even more than i already knew him to be--- he will be perfected in Christ.
free from any physical pain or discomfort.
 free from the limits his earthly body placed on him.
free from hurt and sadness and frustration.
i am so grateful for the faith i have and for the peace it brings to my soul.
every day is hard without my beautiful boy.
every milestone and holiday is that much harder.
i choose to be hopeful, i choose to have faith.
every day i am making a choice to try.  to try and make it through this life the best way i can, to be the best mom i can be to my sweet girl.
i miss my son.
i just do.
but i am trying so hard to trust in the knowledge i have that he is safe.  he is no longer suffering or in pain.
he is free.
and he is near me, always.
i keep this knowledge safe in my heart, and use it to get me through the moments i feel like i can't go on.  i have to go on.  i have so much life to live, and even more to live for.
i will go on.
no matter how hard or impossible it seems.
He is risen!
i believe this with all of my heart.
Happy Easter to you.