25 months

25 months today.

i'm still using "months" instead of years.

i say 25 months because i try to trick my brain into believing it hasn't been over 2 years.

2 years and 1 month seems painful, unbearable.

over 2 years is awful!  

2 years without holding my son is incomprehensible.

25 months.

i say it to try and trick my brain......but my heart already knows.

my heart is the timekeeper that won't let me forget.

my heart counts every second, every hour without him and then multiplies it by thousands.

2 years?  25 months?  an eternity??

to my heart, they're all the same.

someone recently said to me, "Grieving for this long isn't exactly a good idea". 

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oh.

i see.

{????????????}

does grief go away?

is grief something you "just do" and then when all the criteria are met, it just "goes away"??

will grief suddenly just up and leave one day when it feels like i've cried enough tears, looked through his pictures enough, smelled his blankets and clothes just the right amount of times...??  will it leave when i've visited the cemetery enough or told the story of his life and death a certain number of times???  is there some date on the calendar that i should have had circled, knowing that it was the day that grief and i would part ways??

does grief go away?

NO. 

 no!

no..

grief doesn't just go away.

 at least not for me.  not for my heart, my brain.

grief isn't something i'm going to "do for a while"....grief just is.

grief is a part of me now.

grief changes, it ebbs and flows with time.

at first, grief was numbness.  

an inherent body-wide numbness that served as armor to protect me in the hours/days/weeks after my sweet boy died. this numbness was crucial for my survival at those times, for i know that my mother's heart could not have born the reality of my child's death without the sweet mask of numbness that surrounded it.  the body's ability to preserve and protect itself is a wondrous thing.

when the numbness wore off, grief quickly and abruptly turned into raw horror.

fits of crying, sobbing..... the gut-wrenching wails that were released from my throat were almost inhuman.  these sounds could not be coming from me------except that they were.

the horror of waking up each morning, and remembering all over again that my son is gone.  he's dead.  he's not in the next room over, waiting for mommy to come suction him.  he's gone, i buried him, remember??  i don't hear him because he's not there!  i won't ever get to hold him or smell him or touch is sweet face again....because he's gone!! 

the rawness of grief slowly and quietly turns into something less harsh, more familiar.

there is a tenderness now where the rawness used to be.  like a painful bruise, tender to the touch.  certain smells, sounds, songs on the radio, or even a flash of a memory i can't quite capture: these all bump into grief's tenderness and the tears will flow.  walking down the aisle of a grocery store, i'll catch the glimpse of a little boy's blue eyes and have to quickly walk myself out to the parking lot so i can break down in the comfort of my own van.  in the van, i'll turn back and see his carseat sill in the same spot it was 25 months ago and the rawness of my grief will come raging through again.

grief doesn't have rules or a handbook to follow.

there's no rhyme or reason to the things i feel most days.

some days grief is like a gentle friend, one that stays with me, silent and still, not wanting to draw attention to itself, but still nudging me to make sure i know it's there. 

 other days grief grabs hold of me and won't let go.  it sits on my chest and clenches my throat so hard i can't breathe.  i can't remember how to breathe because grief has taken hold of my mind and my heart and the only thing i can possibly think of is how much i miss him and want him back!  i just want him to come back and i can't breathe because i can't think!  i can't understand how he's not with me; why isn't he here in my arms and why can't i breathe??!!

grief is in me.

it is me.

i understand and fully accept that grief will always be a part of me.

i am not under the false impression that grief is something i'll check off a list and be done with.

my word, i wouldn't even want that!

grief is with me because my son is not.

i am a mother who lost one of her children and i will never "get over it".

nor would i want to.

i miss him because i love him.

i grieve because he died and he was my soul mate.

 grief continues because i am continuing.

it is my job now to figure out how grief and i can coexist.  i won't push it away, but will try everything in my power to balance the rawness with the tender grief.  i will understand and let myself crumble on the days where i can't contain it.  i'll move forward with the knowledge that grief isn't a terrible thing, no matter what anyone's opinion is.

there is no timeline for grief.

grief is different for everyone.

my grief is unique to me.

it is mine.

i am doing my best.

two years and one month ago my son died.

it's been a hard 25 months, but i am still here.

bear with me.

<3