Sunday, March 12, 2017

a random spilling of words.

i used to write weekly on this blog, sometimes daily.
i wrote because i felt the need to document every little detail about my son's life; i didn't know what the future held for him, for us.
i didn't know....but i knew.
almost out of desperation, i wrote because i knew that i was losing him and i didn't want to forget any little moment that transpired between us.
i wrote because i felt so much and i needed to let it out.

i don't know why i stopped writing.
well, i do.
i stopped writing because my son died and the feelings that followed were too overwhelming {and often too raw and dark} to share.
i shared the journey of his life and death and tried to work my way through the waves of grief in the year after by writing it all.

i stopped writing when i couldn't figure out how to formulate new words for the same feelings that bombarded me day in and day out.  what else can i write?  i am feeling all the same things.

i'm still hurting;  it still hurts.
i'm still missing him;  i won't ever stop.
i'm still fragile;  i still fall apart.
i'm still broken;  bandages are barely covering wounds that won't ever heal.
i'm still a mess;  i don't know how not to be.
i'm still trying;  oh my heart, i'm still trying.

i am still trying to find my purpose.
what is my purpose?
what am i supposed to be doing?

i ask myself this question all the time. 
i'm almost finished with my associate's degree and will continue on to further my education.
Med School.
 Graduate school.
Medical research.
Finding answers.

these are my goals.
but what am i doing??
most days i feel like i'm not doing anything.
i'm stressing out about tests and papers and being overly anxious in all aspects of my life...but are my goals attainable??
i want to make a difference.
there is this constant urgency that lives deep inside me, telling me i need to be doing more.  i need to be doing something that matters. something big. something bigger than myself, bigger than the fears that are holding me back.
but what?
i want so badly to figure out what took my son from me...that's my ultimate goal.  what is this disease that slowly ate away at his brain for years and then rapidly stole him from my arms?
i want to find the answers i've been searching for for almost 10 years now.
his whole life i was searching and i have never stopped.
i want to do more.
i want to be more.

i am trying.
i look at Aubrey and see how beautiful she is, how perfectly strong and capable she is.
absolutely resilient, she is my anchor.
 i worried Connie's death would change her; it did.
she struggled.
she still struggles in her own very personal and quiet ways...but losing her brother didn't jade her, didn't make her too timid to face the world like i feared it could.

she is a warrior.
braver and stronger than i could ever hope to be.
this year she tried out for the school play and did an amazing job!

she won an award for a painting she did about her life and her journey through her brother's death.

my little girl has been learning to ski{no fear at all!} with my brother-in-law and nephew.

 i myself am too scared to ski for fear of getting off the lift and running into a tree.

she is brave and strong and i am so proud of her.

i want to be braver, stronger than i am now.
fear and anxiety hold me back more often than i should allow.
feelings of inadequacy constantly swirl around my head, making it hard to focus on anything else.
i want to be a good example to Aubrey.
i want to love and be loved.
i want to feel like i deserve it.

these are my thoughts.
a random spilling of words.
i felt like i needed to write.



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