5 months.

5 months today.

5 months have passed since i've held my beautiful boy.

still feels like 5 decades.

the ache is so strong---the ache to hold my sweet boy in my arms again.

i cannot adequately describe the feeling.......there just aren't any words for this sort of heartache.

imagine the worst case of home-sickness you've ever had and multiply it by infinity.

and that doesn't even come close.

i'm so homesick for my son and there is no remedy.  there is no fix for this kind of hurt.

it just hurts.

it just aches.

it's just hard.

it just is.

 i really miss my sweet boy.

with the start of a new season and the ending of the school year, i am so aware that he should be here, witnessing it all.

he should be with me, in my arms as we sit on the front steps and watch Sissy play in the yard with her friends.

he should have been with me, sitting on my lap as we watched her perform in her dance recital.

he should be graduating Kindergarten and getting ready for summer with the rest of the kids.

i should be suctioning him and changing his feeding tube bags.

he should be waking up every hour at night for me to take care of him.

he should just be here.

i wish more than anything he were here, in my arms.

but he's not.

and i am learning to live with this ache, this overwhelming ache that never escapes me.

i am not mad, nor am i angry about any of this.

it just hurts.

life is hard sometimes.  not just for me, but for everyone.

but i believe in things that are far greater than this life.  i believe wholeheartedly that there is a divine purpose for everything and that even though i can't see or understand it, it is there.

there is purpose and meaning in our biggest and hardest struggles.

and i know with my whole soul that i have never been, and will never be alone in this.

it's a lonely feeling, in fact it's the loneliest feeling----living without my beautiful, beautiful boy.  

but i am not alone.

i could not get through any of this if i was.

i was blessed beyond measure for having had the privilege of caring for my son for as long as i did.  i was lucky and honored to have him for 6 wonderful years and i will forever be grateful for that.

i am blessed and i am lucky.

and i am heartbroken.

i am still grieving.  i know i'll never stop.

i would give anything to have him in my arms instead of my memories.

but i am grateful for what i have, and my memories are now my treasures.

and the biggest treasure of all is my faith in knowing that we will be reunited someday, if i will just keep doing my best, enduring to the end.

5 months today.

5 months closer to the day i will see my sweet boy again.

something to be grateful for.

<3

sickness.

it's Sunday, but definitely no fancy pants for me today.

this weekend has been awful.

i got sick on Thursday night and am still not feeling great.

i cannot remember a time where i felt as sick as i was this weekend.

it made me realize that i really haven't been sick in years, and i know the reason for that is because i was being blessed to be healthy enough to take care of my sweet boy.

there is absolutely no way i could have taken care of him and been this sick at the same time.

i received so many blessings and tender mercies that helped me care for my son day and night.

i miss him so much.

and i miss my sweet girl, too.

it feels like i haven't seen her all weekend because i've been keeping my distance, and she spent most of the last couple days over at our neighbor's in hopes she won't catch what i have.

it's been so hard not to be able to hug her or tuck her into bed or kiss her goodnight.

 

i can't wait for this sickness to fully pass.

being sick is lonely.

<3

a tender Mother's Day.

it's Mother's Day.

i am happy and sad.

i am so happy because the one thing i absolutely love and adore about my life is that i'm a mom.

being a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

i love my beautiful babies more than anything in this world.

i am sad because i miss my sweet boy.

it becomes very apparent on this day----this day that celebrates motherhood----that part of me is missing.

one half of what makes me a mother is gone.

my beautiful baby boy is gone and it hurts.

i am a mother because i have two perfectly beautiful children, but when one of them is missing it feels like half of me is gone too.

my dear friend Ramee asked me to contribute a post for her "Mother's Day Week" on her blog, and i shared most of my feelings about this day in that post.  i'll share the link here:  raising redheads: Mother's Day Week: Crissy

 

this day is hard.

it just is.

but it's not that different than every other day, they are all hard.

i wish i had my sweet boy in my arms.

i wish i could still be his mommy here on earth, here in this physical world.

i miss kissing my beautiful boy's sweet face.

i miss taking care of him.

i miss holding him and loving him up close.

i miss every single bit of it.

 

 

but this day is also wonderfully beautiful.

because i have this sweet girl to remind me what being a mom is all about, and that life is so worth living, and that we still have so much to live for.

i love her so much.

she does more for me than she will ever realize.

we are getting through this together, and i know i couldn't do it without her.

she brings out the best in me.

she makes me smile.

because of her i can still laugh, she makes me giggle.  she brings out the 'silly' in me, and i love her for it.

her heart is so tender.

without even fully realizing it, she has made this day so special for me.

in every gift or card she has given me, she has included her brother, her Connie.

this selfless little girl chose to focus on her baby brother because she knew how hard this day would be for me.

without ever having to fully explain it to her, she knew.  she knows me and understands my pain better than anyone else in this life.

i am so grateful for her.

i'm so glad i have her to help me get through all these hard days.

i hope i do half as much for her as she does for me.

i love being a mother, a momma, mommy.

my kids are my whole entire world.

i miss my beautiful boy, i hope he knows how honored and privileged i am that i got to be his mommy.

happy Mother's Day to all of you, to whoever loves and cares for a child, whether they're yours or not.

<3

night times.

night time is the hardest time for me.

during the day i can distract myself, keep myself busy enough that my mind doesn't have time to sit and think.

but when night falls, after my sweet girl goes to bed, it all comes rushing in.  my mind is bombarded with every thought, every memory, every pain and desire.  it all becomes so much more tangible and real at nighttime.

i miss my son so much it hurts. 

my whole body literally aches.  i ache for my sweet boy.  the longing is a pain i cannot describe, cannot put into words because there are no words that even come close to being able to capture the feeling.

it hurts.

 it just hurts.

night time was always spent holding my beautiful boy.

every night for 6 years i held my beautiful baby in my arms, and rocked him on my lap until he wore himself out enough to fall asleep.

every night i carried him back to his room and laid him in his bed.

every night i kissed my sweet boy's beautiful face and told him mommy loved him.

every single night.

and now i can't do any of that.

i tuck my sweet girl in and then i'm alone.

it's so painfully lonely without Connor here in my arms.

the silence is so loud---a harsh reminder that my baby is gone.

it's so still and quiet, it's maddening.

i cry at night.

night time is when i really let myself feel.  i allow all the caged feelings to finally come out and i connect with them.

i connect with them because i know it's necessary, but the hurt is so deep and all encompassing that i never know if i'll survive it.  it actually feels like it might kill me.

i am still here, i am surviving.

it just hurts.

i am not writing this to be negative. 

these are not negative feelings, they are just my feelings.

this is my reality.

i cannot avoid these feelings, i cannot run from the pain.

sometimes i try.

  i try to do anything to not feel this, to not have to acknowledge the fact that my beautiful little boy is gone and he's not coming back.  that i can't hold him or kiss his sweet face and tell him how much i love him. 

avoidance never works.

because then the sun goes down and night time comes and it's all right here in my face.

i don't want to run from my feelings.

i don't want to avoid my life.

i want to live my life and honor my sweet boy.

i want to remember every little thing about him, no matter how painful or heart-breaking it may be.

i want to trust in my faith that everything will be ok, that i will see my beautiful baby again and that somehow this will all have been for a purpose much greater than i can even fathom.

i pray for strength to do this.

every day i pray for strength to get through to the next.

if i can just keep getting through the night times, i think i'll be ok.

<3

memorial tribute.

this Sunday is a little special----hard and special.

today we went to a memorial tribute for my beautiful boy.  Primary Children's Hospital put together a sweet tribute for all the families who have lost children over the past year.

i have been looking forward to and dreading this day all at the same time.

i knew it would be hard for me, and very emotional.

it was both of those things.

aubrey and i had to miss church to go, but we still put our fancy-pants on.

some pictures with our favorite boy.

 she misses her brother.

we got to the hospital and found our name tags.

i miss my sweet boy.

inside the program are the names of 29 children.

29 sweet babies that have been taken away too soon.

i recognized a few names.  one of my friends who lost her beautiful little boy, Paxton, was there.

i got to talk to her and her family after the service and i can't say enough how much i love and admire them.  it was a tender mercy that she was there, i needed a hug so badly and she was there to give me comfort when i needed it most.

the tribute was beautiful, and emotional.

they showed a video with all the children's pictures-----that was hard.

when my sweet boy's picture came up i almost lost it completely.  i had to keep myself from totally losing it, i only let myself completely break down with no abandon when i'm by myself at night.

it was so hard seeing my beautiful boy up there on that screen, when he should have been in my arms instead.

i miss him so much.

i am so grateful to Primary Children's and for the Rainbow Kids team and all they do.

they took the time to make this special for all the families involved.

my heart breaks that there were so many people there, so many families that lost their sweet babies.

there are too many.

after the memorial tribute was finished, they gathered us all outside to watch as they released dozens of doves.

it was really beautiful, watching them fly up towards heaven.

afterwards, aubrey and i went to visit our sweet boy's spot.

we told him all about the service.  we asked him if he was playing with Paxton and if he could tell him hello for us.

 we miss him so much.

i miss him so incredibly much.

a dear friend sent me this necklace a couple of weeks ago.

 i love it so much, and it was especially perfect for today.

i am grateful for my memories and for my endless capacity to love.

i love my beautiful so much, and that love just keeps growing.  everyday i love him more, even though he's gone. 

 he's gone from my arms, he's no longer with me here in this physical world, but in every other way he is with me. 

 he is always on my mind and forever in my heart.

mommy loves you, sweet boy.

happy Sunday to you.

<3