night times.

night time is the hardest time for me.

during the day i can distract myself, keep myself busy enough that my mind doesn't have time to sit and think.

but when night falls, after my sweet girl goes to bed, it all comes rushing in.  my mind is bombarded with every thought, every memory, every pain and desire.  it all becomes so much more tangible and real at nighttime.

i miss my son so much it hurts. 

my whole body literally aches.  i ache for my sweet boy.  the longing is a pain i cannot describe, cannot put into words because there are no words that even come close to being able to capture the feeling.

it hurts.

 it just hurts.

night time was always spent holding my beautiful boy.

every night for 6 years i held my beautiful baby in my arms, and rocked him on my lap until he wore himself out enough to fall asleep.

every night i carried him back to his room and laid him in his bed.

every night i kissed my sweet boy's beautiful face and told him mommy loved him.

every single night.

and now i can't do any of that.

i tuck my sweet girl in and then i'm alone.

it's so painfully lonely without Connor here in my arms.

the silence is so loud---a harsh reminder that my baby is gone.

it's so still and quiet, it's maddening.

i cry at night.

night time is when i really let myself feel.  i allow all the caged feelings to finally come out and i connect with them.

i connect with them because i know it's necessary, but the hurt is so deep and all encompassing that i never know if i'll survive it.  it actually feels like it might kill me.

i am still here, i am surviving.

it just hurts.

i am not writing this to be negative. 

these are not negative feelings, they are just my feelings.

this is my reality.

i cannot avoid these feelings, i cannot run from the pain.

sometimes i try.

  i try to do anything to not feel this, to not have to acknowledge the fact that my beautiful little boy is gone and he's not coming back.  that i can't hold him or kiss his sweet face and tell him how much i love him. 

avoidance never works.

because then the sun goes down and night time comes and it's all right here in my face.

i don't want to run from my feelings.

i don't want to avoid my life.

i want to live my life and honor my sweet boy.

i want to remember every little thing about him, no matter how painful or heart-breaking it may be.

i want to trust in my faith that everything will be ok, that i will see my beautiful baby again and that somehow this will all have been for a purpose much greater than i can even fathom.

i pray for strength to do this.

every day i pray for strength to get through to the next.

if i can just keep getting through the night times, i think i'll be ok.

<3