5 months.

5 months today.

5 months have passed since i've held my beautiful boy.

still feels like 5 decades.

the ache is so strong---the ache to hold my sweet boy in my arms again.

i cannot adequately describe the feeling.......there just aren't any words for this sort of heartache.

imagine the worst case of home-sickness you've ever had and multiply it by infinity.

and that doesn't even come close.

i'm so homesick for my son and there is no remedy.  there is no fix for this kind of hurt.

it just hurts.

it just aches.

it's just hard.

it just is.

 i really miss my sweet boy.

with the start of a new season and the ending of the school year, i am so aware that he should be here, witnessing it all.

he should be with me, in my arms as we sit on the front steps and watch Sissy play in the yard with her friends.

he should have been with me, sitting on my lap as we watched her perform in her dance recital.

he should be graduating Kindergarten and getting ready for summer with the rest of the kids.

i should be suctioning him and changing his feeding tube bags.

he should be waking up every hour at night for me to take care of him.

he should just be here.

i wish more than anything he were here, in my arms.

but he's not.

and i am learning to live with this ache, this overwhelming ache that never escapes me.

i am not mad, nor am i angry about any of this.

it just hurts.

life is hard sometimes.  not just for me, but for everyone.

but i believe in things that are far greater than this life.  i believe wholeheartedly that there is a divine purpose for everything and that even though i can't see or understand it, it is there.

there is purpose and meaning in our biggest and hardest struggles.

and i know with my whole soul that i have never been, and will never be alone in this.

it's a lonely feeling, in fact it's the loneliest feeling----living without my beautiful, beautiful boy.  

but i am not alone.

i could not get through any of this if i was.

i was blessed beyond measure for having had the privilege of caring for my son for as long as i did.  i was lucky and honored to have him for 6 wonderful years and i will forever be grateful for that.

i am blessed and i am lucky.

and i am heartbroken.

i am still grieving.  i know i'll never stop.

i would give anything to have him in my arms instead of my memories.

but i am grateful for what i have, and my memories are now my treasures.

and the biggest treasure of all is my faith in knowing that we will be reunited someday, if i will just keep doing my best, enduring to the end.

5 months today.

5 months closer to the day i will see my sweet boy again.

something to be grateful for.

<3