moving forward.

it's been a long time since i've written.

being sick for a week really wiped me out, and then my dad was here so i was (happily) busy spending time with him.

but he's been gone for almost a week now, and i really miss him.

i have tried to sit down and write a couple times this week, but haven't been able to come up with the words that are on my heart.

my heart hurts.

i miss my sweet boy so much, and i can't find the words to describe any of it.

i keep having these really vivid dreams.

these dreams are so real, and in them i'm always searching for my beautiful boy.......and then i always realize that he's not there.  that he's gone and he's not coming back.

it's like reliving his death over and over again in my sleep.

and then i wake up with such a heavy sadness that it overwhelms me before i even step out of bed.

i miss him so much.

i was laying on the grass beside his grave the other day, watching the clouds roll by on the perfectly blue sky.

i was laying there wishing that i could just go back!  i wanted to go back in time so i could just hold my sweet baby boy.  i wanted more than anything to go back to the time where i could just hold him in my arms and pretend everything was going to be ok.

i just want him back!

and then i harshly realized that there is no going back.

as much as i wish or hope or as many times as i plead or beg------there is no going back.

it's just not possible, it cannot or will not ever happen.

it just can't.

and that's hard to digest.

that's hard to wrap my grief-stricken mind around.

but it's true.  it's a fact, and it's reality.

it's my reality.

and i have to accept it.

i can't go back, i can't have my beautiful boy in my arms again, not like it was before.

so i laid there, on the ground next to my sweet baby boy's headstone, and i thought about the options i do have.

i cannot go back, this i have come to accept.

i can't stay where i am, time does not stand still.  (nor would i want it to, i've realized)

the only option, and the one that makes sense, is to just move forward.

and really, this is the option that will bring me the end result that i so desperately desire----to be with my sweet baby boy again.

moving forward is the only way i will see him again, and each day that passes is another day closer to having him in my arms again.

oh, but it's so hard!!

how do i trick my heart into believing what my mind knows logically to be true??

most days, my heart just aches to go back.  

five months......if i could just go back five months and hold my little boy again!

it's hard to convince my heart that it's five months closer to an eternity with my son.

i'm trying.

every day i'm trying to embrace this new reality and to not try and wish for something that cannot exist.

i'm trying, but it's hard.

my heart just doesn't understand most days.

but i will keep trying, keep moving forward,  knowing that it's the only option i have.

and trusting that it will lead me to where i want to be......

where i need to be.

happy Sunday to you.

<3