breaking down..

this has been the hardest week for me since my sweet boy died.

i don't know why, exactly.....i just know that i can't breathe again because the ache and the hurt is so strong.

the grief literally takes my breath away.

i have broken  down more times this week than i have in a while.  every night, multiple times throughout the day, while i'm driving, in the middle of a store,  while i'm just sitting doing nothing, while i'm just trying to survive and breathe.

i am breaking down so many times a day i don't feel like i ever really build myself back up.

i am feeling all this hurt, i feel like i'm drowning in this sorrow and grief and i honestly don't know how i can handle the next moment.  i truly feel like this time it could be too much, and there's no physical way i can handle any more of this pain.......

and then i look up and see my sweet girl.

i see her laughing and playing with her friends.

i see her draw me cute little pictures (almost always including little Connie).

and i know that's my reason.

she is  the reason i am able to pick myself up, piece by broken piece, and somehow find the energy and courage to continue on.

and i know my beautiful boy is there, pushing mommy along, giving me those oh so gentle nudges when i need them most, when he sees me at my lowest.

i know all this.

it just doesn't make it hurt any less.

i am going home on Sunday, back home to Illinois for a summer filled with friends and family and love and familiarity------yet there is that painful reminder that my most familiar companion, my precious little boy will not be there this time.

and that hurts so deep down in my soul i don't even think i can comprehend it.

my soul hurts.

my soul aches for my perfect little companion, my truest soul mate.

i miss my sweet boy.

i am a mess.

i am trying.

i am grateful for my sweet, sweet girl.

she saves me every day.

i trust in my Heavenly Father that he has a plan and purpose for me, even in those dark hours where i can't see past my own heartache.

i will see my beautiful angel again someday.

i just wish it didn't hurt so much in the meantime.

<3