Behind Blue Eyes....: feeling blue.

it's Sunday again.

one more week until we leave for Illinois!!

i am excited to come home.

but i am also sad about not being able to bring my sweet boy with us.

it will be hard.

every day this week has been so hard for me.

i am trying to 'push through it'......i am trying to be strong and 'keep moving forward'......

but it's so hard.

the ache in my heart is constant and at times so strong i can't breathe again.

i can't catch my breath and sobs come instead.

i crawled into my beautiful boy's bed last night and cried as hard as the first night i came home without him.

being home alone when aubrey is away for the night is harder than most other nights.

but i survived, i always do.

i am surviving, it's just a constant hurt, a constant ache, a constant void that cannot be filled.

i am trying to live my life positively.

i don't want to be a negative influence for aubrey. i don't want her to see me sad all the time, or give her the impression that she makes me any less happy than her brother did. because she makes me so happy. happier than she realizes.

i just miss my sweet little boy.

and i'm so grateful i have my sweet little girl, otherwise i don't think i could do this. i really don't think i could go on if i didn't have my sweet girl to walk this heart-breaking journey alongside me.

we are walking it, every day we are taking this journey we didn't choose or plan for.

life is moving on, as hard as that is for me to grasp or accept.

my sweet girl finished 2nd grade this week!

she's getting so big and i'm so proud of her.

this had to have been the hardest school year of her life, and she handled it with such strength and grace, and still did so well on her schoolwork.

she's such a good example to me.

i am trying to handle this life---and how it keeps moving forward, and how i have no other choice but to move along with it.

i painted my front door blue.

it makes me happy because it reminds me of my perfect little blue-eyed beautiful boy every time i see it.

his ribbons are still up, and that makes my heart happy.

my garden in front is filled with blue.

finding blue treasures to add to his graveside and my garden helps me in some way. it makes me feel like i'm still able to do something for him, to honor him somehow, even if it's small.

i even have solar lights that glow blue at night.......they help me feel less lonely at night time. sort of.