6 months.

six months.

today is the 6 month mark since my sweet baby boy died.

half a year.

it still doesn't seem possible, it seems so much longer to me, to my heart.

one of the hardest things about being home, here in illinois, is that i haven't been able to visit my sweet boy's spot.  i haven't been able to go to the cemetery every day (or every other day, as i was trying to limit myself from going every day).  it's been hard being so far away from his sweet blue spot.

luckily, i have several friends who have been by, they have visited my beautiful boy's grave and sent me texts and pictures to show me he's alright.  it's all ok, everything's still the same.

i am so grateful for their willingness to help me out, to ease my worried mind.

but it's still hard.

i wish i could go myself.  it feels like something his mommy should do, it feels like something i need to do myself.  it's something i want to do.

on the 23rd of each month, aubrey and i take a new tiny blue stone to add to a little bag hanging from a hook above his grave.  i made sure to add the 6 month stone before we left.  i am just sad (and a little guilt-stricken) that i won't be there today to acknowledge this new month, this new anniversary, this new milestone.

i miss him so much.

i wish i could explain to you how much my heart aches for him.

but i can't, because they don't make words heavy or strong or sad or empty enough to do so.

it hurts.

it's hard.

in some ways, it's killing me.

but it's also giving me the strength to live.

my sweet boy----during his life, and now in his death----gave me all the reasons i need to live this life the best way i can.  he taught me what the important things in life are, and has made me strive to be better every single day.  just because he's not here in my arms anymore, doesn't mean his lessons have stopped.  he is still teaching me, guiding me, strengthening me, showing me the way.  i am still learning his divine lessons, even though i sometimes feel like i'm sure to fail the class. 

some days i don't even know if i'm on the right subject, i feel so lost.

but i keep trying.

the lessons are harder for me to learn because it takes much more effort on my part to 'hear' my teacher.

in order for me to feel my sweet boy i need to be in a state of being that allows his sweet presence to be near.  i have to try so much harder to just feel his sweet love, so different than when i could just hold my beautiful boy, kiss his sweet face, and soak in the perfect spirit that he embodied.

i cannot tell you how much i miss those days.

how much my soul misses having my own perfect little piece of heaven in my arms at all times.

all i had to do to feel his spirit was just have him in my arms.

my arms are still so empty.

 6 months later, they are still longing to be filled with the perfect little boy i was so privileged to call my son.

6 months have passed but my heart would say it's a lie.

my heart knows it must be longer than that!

my heart is broken, so i think it has forgotten how to keep track of time.

my mind knows it's been 6 months.

and there are 6 tiny blue stones at my sweet boy's grave, so it must be true.

whether it be 6 months or 6 years, my heart will miss you just the same.

mommy loves you, buddy boo.

i miss you more than you know.

<3