fighting the pain.

we've been back from vacation for a few days now and i feel like i need to write..

i am having such a hard time.

i miss my sweet boy so much i can't breathe......it's like i can't catch my breath again because every time i try to get air in, it's drowned out by tears.

my throat closes and the tear ducts are opened.

i miss him so much.

i miss my son!

coming home from illinois, to a house without my beautiful baby boy has been so much harder than i even could have anticipated it to be.

i'm blindsided by how utterly empty everything feels.  it feels like the first few days all over again.  i feel like i just lost him all over again.

it hurts so badly.

maybe because i got used to being surrounded by so many people....

maybe because i was distracted just enough to not be totally focused on the pain....

maybe because all of my precious boy's things are still just as i left them, and he's still not there, his bed is still so empty...

maybe because no matter which home i go to, i know it will never feel like home without him ever again....

maybe because i just love him so much and i just want to feel him in my arms and kiss his perfect face and smell his sweet breath and hear his little noises...

there are so many reasons it hurts, and no way to stop any of it.

i just want him to come back!!

why can't he just come back??!

i just miss my sweet boy.

it hurts so badly because i love him so much.

and i cannot love him any less, so i will take the hurt.  i will feel it all because it means i can feel the love, too.

i love my beautiful baby boy with every single ounce of my soul, and every single ounce of my soul hurts.

 

i was looking for something in the van today and found this picture:

i don't even remember when we took this, or the last time i saw it.

but it made me happy.

for a brief moment, i found respite and the pain was replaced with pure joy and love.

i miss my son.

i miss his presence, his physical presence in my life.

i am crawling through the pain, it may be hard and slow, but i'm moving forward.  ever so slowly, i'm surviving days, weeks, months now.

all the days are hard, some are just harder.

on these days i resolve to fight that pain with love.

i will love harder.

i will try harder.

i will let myself feel the pain because i know i have an infinite amount of love to combat it.

 

mommy misses you, sweet boy.

i love you so much more than you know.

or maybe you do..

<3