i cry.

good Sunday morning.

ahh, i feel like i need to write-----lots of thoughts and emotions going on that need to get out.

i miss my son.

of course, that's not new.

i miss him all the time, everyday.

yesterday two of my friends and i went up to Primary Children's Hospital to get information on doing a tree in memory of Connor for the Festival of Trees.

 my sweet girl's dance coach came to me and asked if it would be ok if they sponsored a tree, a "Super Connor" tree, in memory of my beautiful little superboy.

{my heart}

"For 44 years, the Festival of Trees has been a “Gift of Love” to children. The Festival is organized by a volunteer board of 90 women who enlist

 time and talents from thousands of individuals, organizations, businesses, and families throughout Utah and beyond.  $35 million has been raised for children at Primary Children’s Hospital through the Festival since 1971."
Festival of Trees

Every penny raised goes to help children at Primary Children's Hospital.

this makes my heart happy.

what will happen is we'll collect donations and then buy and decorate a tree (Superman-themed) and then it will be displayed and auctioned off at the Festival of Trees.

all the money will go back to Primary Children's, to help all the little kids like my sweet boy.

this makes me feel all kinds of things.

good things, hard things, happy things, sad things.

it's a wonderful thing, sponsoring this tree.......and it's also hard.

we're sponsoring it because he's not here...

it's "in memory" of him because that's all we have left----memories.

that's hard.

i miss him.

walking back into the hospital always brings back a flood of emotion.

the last time my beautiful boy was alive, he was in that hospital.

the last week of his life i spent with him there.

i left my perfect little boy on the 2nd floor of that hospital, and walked out the doors without him for the first time in my life, less than 10 months ago.

walking back through the doors without him still.....it's hard.

it just reminds me that he's gone.

but walking back through the doors with a purpose makes me feel stronger.

walking back through, knowing that i'm going to be doing something to honor his memory and help other kids like him----there's a power in that.

i gain strength everyday by living with the pain.

i grow stronger by acknowledging the hurt, embracing the grief, and finding ways to move forward anyway.

i went for a long drive yesterday evening---a much needed long drive.

i drove and listened to music and cried until i had to pull over because i couldn't see.

i drove to the cemetery and then cried some more.

i drove aimlessly, watching the sun set and felt the tears cleanse a part of my soul that so desperately needed cleansing.

i cried because it hurts.

it hurts and i miss him and i wish he were here.

i cried because his life was so beautiful, and his death is too.

everything about him is beautiful and i cried because i'm so grateful i was blessed to be his mom.

i cried.

because crying helps.

i cry because it hurts, and it helps.

i cry because i just miss him... 

i am honored that my friends wanted to sponsor a tree for my sweet boy.

i am grateful to be able to help, especially since this time of year is going to be extremely hard.

i am so thankful for something physical i can still be doing for him, in honor of him.

i am grateful for his life, and his beautiful life after death.

he is perfect.

and i just love him.

that is all for today.

happy Sunday to you..

<3