10 months

10 months.

my heart hurts today.

10 seems like such a big number....

.....yet still so small compared to how long it feels.

it feels like years.

years since i held my sweet baby boy.

oh, i miss him.

i don't know if i'm doing it right---this whole grieving process.

i know i'm not 'okay'....

i don't think i'll ever be 'okay'....

i know some days are less crippling than others.

but some days i still can't breathe.

i hear a song or smell a familiar smell or catch a glimpse of something blue or superman......

and i forget how to breathe.

the reality of it all consumes me and i can't remember how to breathe.

the reality is that my beautiful little boy is gone.

HE'S GONE. 

he's gone and it hurts.

it will always hurt.

i just miss him.

i'm still here though.

i am here and i'm trying.

i am getting through the days----focusing on school and my sweet girl.

the nights are a bit tougher----but i manage to get through those too, and still wake up the next morning. 

i am trying.

i am living and learning and searching for direction.

i am sad and i am happy.

i can still feel things, good and bad.

i was worried that the good would be lost, after losing my sweet boy.

i worried i would never feel anything good again, not fully anyway.

i was wrong about that.

i can still feel things that are good, things that are happy.

i can still feel pure love----when i look into my sweet girl's eyes, and when i remember my beautiful boy's perfect love.

i can still feel his spirit, even when the sadness takes over.

i feel sad and that's okay too.

sometimes everything just sucks.

it's all hard.

i'm living and learning, figuring it out as i go.

holding onto faith and hope---clinging desperately to eternal promises.

today it hurts.

today i will try and remember how to breathe.

<3