HOPE shifted.

happy November Sunday.

ahh, my emotions have been all over the place lately.

there's something about the changing of the seasons, the weather---it's just making everything a little harder.

last year he was here.

last fall he was still here in my arms.

last Halloween he was here with me, he was Superman....he went trick-or-treating with me and Sissy and the neighbor kids.

last November he was here, he was struggling but he was here.

he was here LAST year!!!!

this is the last time i will be able to say that.

it's scaring me as the 'one year mark' is growing closer....

it all seems so big, so hard.

it is.

it's all so hard.

last year i still had HOPE.

 i still had a hope for things to get better for my son.

i understood and felt that it might not, but i still had that hope because i didn't have anything else to cling to.

i held on to hope because i needed to.

i needed it, and i clung to it for dear life.

things didn't work out the way i wanted them to...

i didn't get that big miracle for my son.

he's not here with me and that's never the way i wanted it to be. 

he's not here and oh, how i wish he was!!!

i may not have gotten what i was so desperately hoping for, i don't have my son in my arms like i should.

but i still have HOPE.

my hope has shifted, it's evolved.

but it's still there.

it never left me, and now it helps me get through the days, these seasons of change that could easily crush me if i didn't have that familiar hope to cling to.

i cling to hope, and faith, and love....

they are the lifeboats that keep me from drowning when i just don't think i can swim one more second.

i miss my son.

last year he was in my arms.

this year i sit at his grave.

this year Sissy holds tight to her memories, instead of her brother.

this year is hard.

but we will never give up hoping.

i promise you, sweet boy.....we will always have HOPE.

mommy loves you, buddy-boo.

happy Sunday to you.

<3