back to the PICU

oh, my heart.

i need to write.

aubrey i and just got back from Primary Children's hospital, i have two different friends with their sweet boys there right now.

they were both in the PICU---that's where my sweet boy died almost a year ago.

i have been back to the hospital since my beautiful boy died, but not to the same floor, not to the same spot where he took his final breaths.

this was hard.

i'm glad i went, and i will go again whenever they need me (and even when they don't).  i am so grateful to have such wonderful friends in my life and to be able to see their sweet little boys---these boys have such strength, it's amazing.  i'm so glad i got to see them tonight.

oh, my heart though!!

i am still shaking as i'm typing this.

i expected it to be hard, walking back through the doors of that PICU, and it was.

i did ok at first, the first room i visited was in a different area than my sweet boy was in.

the little boy is beautiful and his mother is my sweet boy's angel----literally, she was the nurse who took care of my beautiful boy during the last days of his life.  i called her his angel, and she truly was.  now she's there with her son and i just wish i could do something to take it all away from them.  it was a blessing to be able to see her and hug her tonight.

i did ok.

i was doing ok, and then i went to the next room to visit my other friend....

her sweet boy's room was right next door to the room Connor died in.

ahh, i didn't know if i could do it!!

i really didn't know if i could walk down that same hall, turn that same corner and walk past my beautiful boy's room. 

i did it.

i took my sweet girl's hand and we walked there together.

we walked down that same hall, we turned that familiar corner....

and walked past his room.

i went in and saw my friend and her sweet little boy and i'm so glad i did.

i'm inspired by the strength of these women!

i'm in love with their love for their sweet boys.

i have so much love, i just want to make everything better for both of them.

i just want to fix it all for them.

i can't fix it, but i know they will be okay.

i have so much HOPE for both of them.

i'm glad i went.

but then i walked out.

i walked out of my friends room and stood in front of my sweet boy's room and i started to panic!

i wanted to run in there!!

i wanted to run in there and have him be there!!!

i had the irrational thought that he could be in there!!!

last time i was here, HE WAS IN THERE!!!

what if he was still there??

maybe he was still there!!!

i looked in and the bed was empty. 

why wasn't he there??!

WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE IN THERE AGAIN??!?!

i just wanted him to be there again.

i just want him here.

he wasn't there.

he's not here.

i walked out of the PICU and made it about 5 steps down the hall and i had to sit down.

i crouched down right there in the hallway against the wall and tried to remember how to breathe.

slowly, i reminded myself that it's okay.

he's not here, but i'm still here and it's okay.

he's not here, but my sweet girl is right here with me and it's okay.

he's not here, but my friends' little boys are and they're going to be okay.

it's going to be okay.

i kept saying 'he's not here' in my head....

and then i felt him.

he was there!

i felt my sweet boy so strong, i know he was there!

i took my sweet girl's hand and stood up and felt my beautiful little boy walking me down the hall.

i felt him helping me, i felt him so strongly and then when i reached the stairs i felt him let go.

i hesitated, but then i knew the reason.

i know my sweet boy was helping me out, and then going back to the PICU to watch over those other little boys who needed him more than me.

it's like i could hear him telling me, "you'll be okay, momma....but i've got to go back and watch over my friends.  it'll all be okay."

i'm so glad i went.

<3