when i forget how to breathe...

oh, this Sunday morning my eyes are still swollen from last night.

last night was hard.

i think i let all the emotions from Thanksgiving and missing my sweet boy and stressing out over finals coming up get to me........and last night i couldn't hold it all in anymore.

last night i wept harder than i have in a long time.

last night i forgot how to breathe again.

i can't describe the feeling that comes when i forget how to breathe......

i can't put into words how it feels to know i have to live the rest of my life without my beautiful boy.....

it's a panicked, gut-wrenching feeling and it just hit me really hard last night.

last night was hard.

when nights like this happen and i don't know if i can survive because of the pain, i am so grateful i have a lifeline that i know i can always turn to, no matter what time it is.

i called my dad.

it was nearly 3:00 in the morning his time, but i knew if i called he would answer.

he is always there.

he is my person.

i am super emotional, a bit of a mess really.

i think it's the time of year.....this time of year is beyond difficult for me.

this time last year my beautiful baby boy was actively dying and my heart is still intertwined with it all.

it really is like living it all over again.

i just miss him.

i just wish i could have protected him, saved him from it all...

tomorrow we start decorating his Superman tree at the Festival of Trees.

i am so honored and appreciative of all the love and support and donations we've received in order to make this all possible.

it's been therapeutic in a way, shopping for all this Superman stuff for my sweet Superboy.  Picking out things i know he would love if he were here...

it's hard though----decorating a tree in his memory.......i just wish he were here with me instead of in my memories.

i'm so grateful for it all though.

for the memories, for the love and support and kindness of friends and strangers who want to honor my sweet Connor.

it's all very humbling and i'm so grateful for it.

i'm grateful for everything and everyone.

i'm grateful i am here and still breathing this morning, and for a father who helped me remember how.

i am grateful for the power of prayer and for tender moments of faith and hope that shine through my darkest hours.

i am grateful for it all.

happy Sunday to you.

<3