still learning.

happy Stressful Sunday!

i have one day left to study for my finals.

!!*stressed*!!

it's hard to believe i've {nearly} made it through a whole semester of school.

it's hard to believe this is my life now.

one year ago i never would have thought about any of this.

one year ago i was where i was supposed to be----holding my precious boy as he made the transition from this world to the next.

he was in my arms and i was exactly where i needed to be.

my stresses were so much different last year.

now i'm here.

i'm here without him, and it's been a scary place for me to be.

living my life without him, without my perfect little soul mate..... challenging my fears of starting something new, overcoming obstacles within myself that could easily prevent me from moving forward, could easily keep me standing still---petrified of what's to come...

i have learned so much.

i've learned lessons about life that no amount of schooling could ever teach me.

but going to school, facing those fears---i've learned so much there too.

i'm learning all the time, and not just about biology or quadratic equations{thank goodness!}.

it's an amazing feeling---to be able to keep learning and growing when my heart is still so tender and fragile.

i've been blessed with an ability to keep going.

i've often wondered why i'm still going....

why am i still able to keep going??

i don't know the answer to that most days.

all i know is that i have been blessed with a desire to keep trying.

my desire stems from love.

i have a love so deep and strong for my beautiful boy and my sweet girl that i want to keep trying to honor them, to make them both proud.

i am learning to love things about myself through this whole process, something that has been a lifelong challenge for me.

my heart is broken, but so full at the same time.

i know my sweet boy would want this for me----to keep trying, to keep going, to keep learning.

i will never learn as much from any other source than i did from his perfectly beautiful spirit.

there will never be a class or lecture or textbook that can teach me more than my son did without ever speaking a word.

he silently led me and guided me and taught me life lessons that i will treasure forever.

i love him.

i miss him.

mommy's still learning buddy-boo.....

i'll keep trying.

<3