heaviness.

this Sunday is going to get so much better in about 3-4 hours....

Papa is on his way!!

i cannot wait to get a big, safe hug from my dad.

i need one of those.

especially this week, and during the next few days.....well, always really.

i always need hugs from my dad.

they feel so safe.

this last week has been so heavy, so anticipatory....

his birthday came, and quietly went.

it was a beautiful day, full of love and remembrance.  and yes, sadness.  but only sad because i miss him so much.  i'm not sad for any other reason besides the fact that i love him and miss him and just wish he were here so i could hold him.

i'm not sad for him.

i'm not sad about his death because as i've said before, my son's death was a beautiful release for him.

i'm not sad that his suffering ended, his broken body releasing his perfect spirit.

i'm not sad for my son.

i'm not even sad for me.

i am blessed.

i had a son, here with me for 6 years---six perfectly beautiful years and i am so grateful for that time, words can't even come close to expressing it.

i have a son, a beautiful blue-eyed angel that will be with me always----even though he's not in my arms where i so badly want him to be....

i miss him.

i miss my beautiful boy. 

 i miss holding him.

i am only sad because i love him so much. 

the sadness comes because the love is so big.

would i change any of that?

no.

i accept the sadness, it's something that i can deal with because of the love.

   oh, i love my son.

this week is heavy.

the 23rd is coming......one whole year without my perfect little soul mate.

can i do this??

i don't know, i guess i don't really have a choice.

or maybe i do.

i choose to keep trying.  i choose to keep feeling {that's the hardest one, when sometimes all i want is numb---all i want is to not feel}.  i choose to keep loving.  

i'm choosing to live with the sadness and not let it consume or destroy me.

it hurts.

oh my heart, does it hurt.

but i'm no stranger to hard things.

i've learned i can do hard things, because of the love that surrounds me---if i choose to let it in.

i choose to try.

a big hug from from my dad will certainly help.

<3