i just wanted him to live.

last year on December 17th, i brought my beautiful boy to the hospital.  i didn't know it, but it would be the last time i entered those hospital doors with him in my arms.

i didn't know it, but i wouldn't be leaving with him ever again. 

i had to have my brother-in-law come and drive us that day because my sweet boy could not breathe well enough to leave my arms.  there was no way he could sit in his car seat alone and breathe well enough to make it to the hospital.

he had been in my arms for weeks straight, literally in my arms the whole entire time, because he just couldn't breathe anymore.

i gave rescue breaths to my sweet baby boy as he turned blue, breathing into his mouth for him when he couldn't do it himself.  i did this so many times over the course of a few weeks, too many times to count.

he was dying, my sweet boy.

he was dying and i just wanted him to live.

i just wanted him to live.

i remember riding in the back of the van on the way to the hospital, holding my baby boy in my arms and just wanting this upcoming surgery to work.

i wanted this tracheotomy to help, to cure, to fix!

i wanted it to DO something for my sweet boy!!

 he was suffering so much, was so fragile and i knew he couldn't last like that much longer.

i had HOPE that this surgery would work.

i remember arriving at the hospital.

i remember carrying my baby boy through the tunnel {the front of the hospital was under construction so there was a long tunnel}.  i remember walking through that tunnel and having the distinct feeling that i would not be walking back out with my son.

i remember it so vividly that it makes my heart sink just thinking about it.

like a punch in the gut, i felt it.

my mother's heart knew it.

my mother's heart knew for months that this was it.

my heart knew long before my mind accepted it.

my mind still didn't accept it on that day, walking through the tunnel.

sometimes i still don't think my mind has fully accepted it.

as long as he was still there, in my arms, i was going to fight for him.

my mind ignored my heart and fought like hell for my baby boy.

i fought so hard, i wanted it so badly.....

i just wanted him to live.

my heart knew the things that would happen that week in the hospital.

each day that passed solidified what my heart already knew long before we got there.

he wasn't going to live.

my beautiful baby boy wasn't going to live and i knew it.

how could my heart do this to me???! 

i didn't want to know this, i couldn't accept it!

i just wanted him to live.

i'm remembering.

i'm looking back, i'm feeling all this because it happened and i don't want to push any of it away.

i don't want to run from it or try to make it anything other than what it is.

it's hard.

i'm dealing with it the best way i know how.

i'm remembering.

i'm still breathing.

still trying.

still loving my son with that same mother's heart that knew.

i'm here and i'm fighting like hell to keep going and keep living for my sweet girl.

i love her so much.

i love my son.

i'm okay.

but i just wanted him to live..

<3