peace on earth.

it's a quiet Sunday thus far.

i type this as i sit amidst the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree and the blue lights on the fireplace mantle.  it's a peaceful, yet empty feeling.

i pulled out Christmas decorations yesterday, the stockings laying on top of the pile as i opened the box.

a penguin stocking, some pink ones {Aubrey has multiple stockings for some reason}, and then the baby blue one.

my baby's blue stocking.

 sigh.

the Christmas season will forever be intertwined with the hardest time of my life.

i'm trying to sort through emotions that are coming from every place inside of me.....

Christmas is a beautiful, peaceful, glorious, magical time of year......

it's also the time of year when my whole world fell apart.

my beautiful boy was born one week before Christmas!

it's always been a special time of year----

my sweet boy, my only son, died two days before Christmas.

he died 5 days after his 6th birthday.

my heart is having trouble understanding how to feel.

 i feel everything, all at once.

how does any of this even make sense??

i don't know how to sort through this constant stream of emotions.

these are polar opposite feelings, and they're all coming at me so fast and so hard.

my mind tries to sort through them, but my heart just feels them all.

i don't know how to feel.

i don't know how to not feel. 

i just don't know.

it's a confusing realm to exist in.

Christmas is a happy time.

my son's birthday is a happy day.

the 23rd, the day he died, is right in between the two.

it's just hard.

it's so hard and that's confusing to my soul.

 i still feel the magic of Christmas, i still feel the glory of it all.

i see my sweet girl's eyes twinkle just like the lights on the tree and that brings more peace to my soul than i can express.

i am still happy.

i still feel happiness and can laugh and giggle {and occasionally snort} when things are funny.

things are funny still, a lot:)

i have amazing friends who bring smiles to my face when i need it most----i'm still able to smile.

my heart is still so full of love and empathy and compassion for those around me.

i love so many people with my whole {yet broken} heart.

my heart is still full of love, a broken heart can still be filled to capacity, and then some.

these next few weeks are going to be hard.

it is what it is.

it is hard.

that's okay.

i have support, i have my sweet girl and i have my angel.....i know he's got me.

i have friends.

i have so much love around me i never have to feel alone.

there's an emptiness inside me that i don't know will ever be filled, but right beside it there is peace.  there is a peace that blankets the emptiness, helps cover the void in my soul.

i know my sweet boy is okay.

i know he is.

i know he's still doing what he always did best-----guiding me, teaching me, quietly loving me.

that's the peace i feel.

i hope my sweet girl feels it too.

a peaceful Sunday to all of you.

<3