Behind Blue Eyes....: one year

oh, it's here.

the 23rd.

one year today.

one year since my beautiful baby boy left this earth.

sigh.

it's heavy.

hard.

real.

it's here.

it's been a year of 'firsts', and now all the firsts are done.

they're done and this is such a frightening feeling!

in some ways it's a relief, but it's also such a tender, bitter sadness.

panicky, almost.

i don't want time to keep moving forward!

sometimes i just wish i could stop it all because i have a fear that as time moves forward, my memories will be harder to recall.

the senses----smells, sounds, touches, feelings----i fear they will start to fade and bringing them to remembrance will be harder as time goes on......

i'm so afraid of this.

it's a petrifying fear and with every day that passes it intensifies a little bit more.

it's a quiet fear, one that doesn't voice itself out loud but is silently screaming at me from inside.

i don't want to forget!

i CAN'T forget my son, those little things---the smells, touches, those perfect feelings....

i'm afraid they'll start to fade away and that terrifies my soul.

the only thing i'm certain of is the love.

i know the love won't fade----it can't. it's a part of me and i would not be myself without it.

i love my son so much.

i'm just so afraid of life without him----every day i'm moving further away from the life i knew and loved, the life i cherished with my sweet boy.....i'm moving away from it and out into the unknown.

it's a scary feeling.

i'm terrified, really.

i feel so lost most days. i feel vulnerable and exposed without my son here to blanket me. he was my constant companion, my ever-present comfort.

i'm learning how to function in this world without my soul mate.

it's hard.

one thing that has anchored me, has been my grounding compass, is my sweet girl.

she is my saving grace.

my best friend.

we've grieved together, cried together, laughed together, and continue to love together.

she is amazing, my little girl.

she has handled things so BIG, and she's done it with such grace and simple beauty.

i learn so much from her, from both of my babies.

you'd be SO proud of Sissy, Connie. she's doing everything perfectly, just like you always did. she misses you!! oh, how she misses "her Connie".....she talks about you all the time, buddy-boo. she draws me things, she draws me angels all the time. angel wings with blue hearts. she knows my heart, she knows my need to keep remembering. i think she can feel you in a much simpler way than i can. thank you for that, sweet boy. please keep close to her, keep watch over her like we talked about. she needs you. WE need you.

we will always need you.