11 months

it's a hard Sunday.

11 months today.

Eleven long months, the longest i've ever known.

one month short of the year mark.....it's all just so hard.

i miss my son.

oh, how i miss my beautiful little boy!!

i once asked somebody (someone who had also lost a child), "does it ever get any easier??"

they replied, "it doesn't get easier.......it just gets longer."

i understand now.

i understand and i hate that i do.

i hate that i know how that feels, i hate that anyone else knows how this feels.

no one should know how this feels.

it's hard.

it hurts and it's hard.

i miss my son.

 i miss him so much.

these past eleven months i have felt so many things.

i've never felt more alone and sad and heartbroken in all my life, while at the same time feeling so loved and comforted and supported.

i'm feeling all these things all the time and it's a confusing realm to exist in.

i feel so terribly alone without my sweet boy, yet i still feel him near.

my heart is literally broken, but i know it's still there because i still feel so much love.

sadness and grief don't even come close to describing the pain......there are no words that will ever come close to being able to describe the void that is now in my soul......yet, there's still joy there too!  i'm still able to laugh and smile and that's a huge blessing because 11 months ago, i didn't know if that would be possible.

some days i still wonder.........but i am still here, still trying.

still breathing.

i miss my son.

i am trying so hard to live my life in a way that honors him and will make him proud.

i just worry that i will fall short, i worry that i do fall short.

i worry that the mistakes i make are letting him down, and i can't let him down!

i feel like he's counting on me to do my part, to do my best......and i just don't want to let him down.

a lot of the time i feel like i'm letting him down.

oh sweet boy, mommy's trying.

i know i can always do better, but mommy's trying.

i wish he were here with me.

i just miss him.

i find comfort in knowing that he's okay, that he's safe and okay and still perfectly beautiful.

i just miss him, that's all.

mommy loves you, buddy-boo.

so much.

Happy Sunday.

<3