this time last year....

oh, it's Sunday.

i feel like i need to write..........

lately it's been hard.

this weekend has been harder than most, and i couldn't really put my finger on why really....

but then i sat and looked back through my blog, i started reading my posts from this time last year....and then i realized why my heart is so heavy.

it was this time last year when my beautiful boy was starting to die.

on November 19th of last year he went in for his 'tongue-reduction surgery'.

this was a last-ditch effort to try and save his breathing---this was our last option before a trach.

this was the first time in his life where i didn't feel confident or have a 'good feeling' before handing him off to the anesthesiologist. 

my mother's heart didn't feel right about this.....my mother's soul knew something much bigger was about to happen.

i just didn't know how quickly it would all go down.

i didn't know my sweet baby boy was only a month away from his death.

i didn't know.....but at the same time i knew.

i wrote about his surgery in this post: Behind Blue Eyes....: tongue reduction surgery. 

looking back, i still feel so much pain and guilt for what he had to go through.

was i doing the right thing??

did i make the right choices for my beautiful little boy??

did he know how much i loved him and that i was just trying to help him, trying to SAVE him??

it tears my heart apart knowing how much he suffered......and that i wasn't able to save him.

  i tried so hard to do what i thought was best, but i'll always wonder if what i did was the best thing for him......i just wanted him to be okay, to stop hurting.

i just wanted to save him.

i tried.

i tried so hard to save my son.

mommy tried, sweet boy.  i hope you know how hard i tried and how sorry i am you had to suffer.

ultimately, death is what ended his suffering.

i know with all of my heart and soul that he is at peace and his suffering is completely gone.

i know that this is the way it had to be.

i know that no matter how hard or what i tried, it all would have worked out the same way.

i know this.......

but it still hurts.

as his mother, i tried so hard to save him.

i tried so hard to do all the right things for my precious son.

in the end, he ended up saving me.

a million times over, he saved me throughout his life.

his life was so beautiful.

he was so perfect.

i am working my way through this heaviness, this overwhelming grief that blankets my soul.

i am feeling it all as if it were yesterday.

i will not run from it---even when all i want to do is just run away from it all!!!!----i will not run from this pain.

i can get through it because he is still saving me.

i still have him, just not in the way i want.

he's still with me, it's just different.

harder, but still there.

i feel like i'm rambling, fragmented thoughts coming out at random.

this is how my brain is working today.

it's the best i can do.

i'm grateful for an outlet for my thoughts, these feelings that i cannot keep inside.

i'm grateful for my life and for every struggle that has led me to where i am today.

i'm grateful for my sweet babies.

more than anything, i'm grateful for my sweet babies.

happy Sunday to you.

<3