moments of clarity

it's Sunday again.

it's hard to believe it's already November.....this year has gone by so incredibly fast, yet it's also been the most painfully slow year of my life.

i can't help it that i keep thinking, "he was here with me last year"......or, "last year he was here in my arms".

soon i won't be able to say that anymore......soon a year will have gone by and that's scary for me.

i don't know why this concept of time is so hard for me.

time makes no sense to me anymore, i don't know if it ever will again.

if i think back, if i go back in time it seems like forever ago since my sweet baby boy was in my arms where he belongs.

but then some days it feels like just yesterday i was kissing his sweet cheeks, or suctioning his little nose, or rocking him safely in my lap.

looking forward is by far the hardest.

i can't do it.

i cannot look forward more than a day or two at a time because the thought of a life---the rest of my life without my beautiful boy---i just can't do it.

i panic, and i can't breathe.

it's too much.

it's all too much.

i feel the panic start to rise and my body forgets to breathe.........

and then i close my eyes and i pray.

and on a good day i feel him.

and in those moments i am reassured; i am calmed; i am comforted.

because in those moments i know that this life is but a brief moment in what will be our forever.

in those moments all the uncertainty and fear goes away and i know i'll be with my beautiful boy again, if i can just hold on and make it through the days.

these days that i forget how to breathe, these days will be nothing compared to the eternity we will have together.

i can get through these days, if i just focus on those moments of clarity.

i can get through anything because i have faith in something much bigger and greater than i can even comprehend.

these brief moments of comfort are just a glimpse into what is to come.

and these days are still beautiful.

these are the hardest days of my life, but they are still beautiful because i still feel him.

and i'm still able to hold and kiss my sweet girl, and giggle with her until we both start snorting, and then giggle some more until tears fall down our faces.

i still see so much beauty around me, in the faces of friends and sweet children and beautiful sunsets against the mountains.

some days are so painfully hard, but i still appreciate the beauty that lies within each struggle.

i miss my sweet boy.

oh, how mommy misses her sweet baby boy!

i am grateful for the moments of comfort that come when i need them most.

happy Sunday to each and every one of you.

<3