love is the answer.

oh, today is hard.

today is an incredibly hard day for me without my sweet boy.

Thanksgiving was our holiday.

well, we didn't really do anything to celebrate the actual holiday, but it was ours because we spent it together.

every year it would be just the two of us at home, alone together.

my sweet girl usually goes with her dad to her cousins' for Thanksgiving and Connor and i just stay home together.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!

i will get to all the things i'm grateful for in a minute {i have so many things to be thankful for}, but i need to be honest and real and i can't do that without explaining how hard this is for me.....

sometimes this all just really SUCKS!!

i try so hard to be positive and brave and strong, but sometimes, especially days like today----sometimes it all just sucks.

it's all too hard, it all just hurts.

today was supposed to be like all the other Thanksgivings......me at home with my sweet boy in my arms......me joking with him and asking if he wants mommy to make some gravy to put through his tube......ME and HIM.....together, like always..

i just miss my son..

i miss him so much.

this was my blog post from one year ago today: Behind Blue Eyes....: worst 10 seconds of my life.

 i read this last night and wept.

i remember all this like it was just yesterday......but it seems like lifetimes ago.

i remember the panic i felt, the absolute heart-stopping fear i felt as my beautiful little boy was going through all this.  he was suffering more than i've ever seen anyone suffer in my entire life.

he was hurting; he was dying.

i didn't know it, but i knew it.

i feel like the day i talked about in that post----those "worst 10 seconds of my life"----i feel like my sweet boy truly left that day, and the only reason he came back was because he knew i needed him to come back.....he knew i needed to be able to try everything in my power to save him before he left.....i feel like he came back and endured more pain and suffering for me.  i feel like he did it for me because he knew me better than i'll ever know myself, and he knew i needed to try everything.

i wanted to save him.

i just wanted to save my sweet boy.

i love him so much.

 he is my hero.

  today is hard.

i can't sugarcoat it and make it be any other way than hard.

but i'm still grateful.

i'm grateful for so many things in my life and i feel blessed.

i am blessed.

daily, i am surrounded by the love of friends that i could not live without.

friendship and love got me through this year, carried me when i could not walk one more step on my own.

how do you live after losing your own child??   how is it even possible to breathe without my son??

LOVE. 

love is the answer.

love is there when nothing else seems to be.

my son is gone, but the love is still there.

my sweet baby is gone but love is always here.

my sweet girl reminds me of this every day.

i love her so much.

i am grateful.

i am grateful for love, that i'm able to still feel it and give it freely.

i love my family, my friends.

i love my children, my sweet girl and my beautiful little angel boy.

today is hard.

but i'm grateful for it.

and i'm grateful for all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

<3