it will find me.

Sunday.

fancy-pants picture time happened today.

it's been a long time since i've taken fancy-pants pictures.....it's just been hard to continue the tradition without the fanciest pantsed member of our group.

i've been missing him extra BIG lately.

oh, you have no idea.

it's ironic to think that what i miss most is the calmness, the peacefulness, the serenity that my son's presence brought me----because our life, his life was anything but calm, peaceful or serene.

my beautiful boy's journey was never calm, nothing about our world was ever serene or easy.

but HE was.

he was comfort.

he was love.

he was pure strength in it's most gentle form.

there was a distinct peace about my sweet boy, he embodied everything that is pure and good and i got to feel it, to steal bits and pieces of it every time i held him......which was always.

oh, how i miss that. 

i've been trying to find it.

maybe that's part of my problem, i'm searching so hard to find these same feelings of peace and comfort in places where they just aren't meant to exist.

this world can't offer me the things i'm searching so hard to find, i don't think.

maybe if i slow down and stop looking, they will find me.

 little moments like this.

these are the moments i'm reminded of the pureness, the love, the beauty.

it's still here.

i just need to stop and let myself be found by it.

 

i'm trying.

i make a lot of mistakes.

so many mistakes.

this world is a hard place for me to be without my son!

i didn't realize just how much i relied on his presence, his pure strength to lead and guide me through this life.

he was my safety, my compass, my silent wisdom.

it's harder without him.

but i'm still trying.

 i will never stop trying.

 

happy Sunday to you, i hope it's full of peace and serenity.

<3