real happy.

happy Sunday.

i've been thinking about "happiness" lately.

what is it?

what does it really mean?

do i feel it?

or more importantly why don't i allow myself to feel it?

someone asked me this week if i was afraid to be happy---if i felt guilt for being happy.

yes, i think.

  

it really made me think about things, about myself and my life and my struggles within.

i'm not sure why i place restrictions or conditions on the good feelings i have and give free reign to the ones that seek to do harm, the ones i should be cautious of.

i feel like i've always been this way.

but why?

 

i'm not really sure.

i'm still trying to figure stuff out---a work in progress, always.

i just know that i have been truly happy.

i have felt true joy and happiness.

i still do feel it.

 i'm just learning different ways to recognize, appreciate and let it in.

 

my son made me happy.

oh my heart, did he make me happy!

 

taking care of his every need gave me such a wonderful sense of purpose and belonging and i'll never be able to replace that feeling.

i feel happiest when i'm doing something worthwhile.

i miss taking care of my beautiful boy more than i can ever describe.  my purpose in life has been shifted, and i don't know exactly what it is or how to nurture the change.

yet.

i'm working on it.

 

my sweet girl makes me happy.

 

she is such a happy child, a resilient little girl that brings so much light to my life.

she makes me giggle.

i watch her and know that the feeling i have inside is pure happiness.

 

i feel happy, still.

i just feel other things along with it, i've realized.

i let guilt creep in alongside the happy.

i'm trying to figure out why i do that, why my feelings work that way.

i'm working on a lot of things.

 

happiness is more than a feeling.

happiness, for me, is so many other things.

love, peace, security, comfort, safety, silliness, laughter, easiness......these are all wrapped up in happiness. 

i'm striving to let myself feel these things more freely, without limitations or restrictions, without consequences.

i'm trying harder to just be......and be okay with it.

 

i'm always trying.

happy Sunday to you.

real happy.

<3