things that matter

oh, it's Sunday.

i haven't written for a couple weeks..

i need to write.

school has been really busy.  i've been putting my all into studying, trying to learn and grow.  i find myself so interested in the things i'm working with, especially in my Anatomy class and Lab.  every week i go and it feels like i can't get enough knowledge---i'm trying to find ways to cram it all in and yet i still find myself wanting more.

i had a moment in my Anatomy Lab where i was standing by myself in the back of the room, holding a human brain, staring at the parts of this brain that were supposedly shrinking the most on my sweet boy.....i stood there and stared and stared and had such a strong wave of feelings come over me that i had to hurry and leave the room because i felt myself about to completely lose it.

i couldn't breathe and i had to get out before i fell to pieces in front of a room full of students.

i left, found a stall in the bathroom and tried to remember how to breathe.

the feelings i was having, they were so forceful and strong and looking back i've been able to pinpoint what those feelings were.

1.    i just missed my son!  the ache is always there, but sometimes there are moments where it feels like it's hitting me all over again.  it feels like he was just here, or that he's just in the other room and i need to get to him, he needs me to come get him!  and then like a ton of bricks hitting me right in the stomach, i remember.  i remember that he's not here and that's why i'm standing in this lab, and not at home with him instead.
2.   i wanted answers!!  i stood there holding this brain, staring at the exact structures and parts that were failing my son and it's like i wanted them to speak to me!  i had the insane notion that if i stood there long enough, if i somehow stared at it long enough or looked at it from the right angle, it would give me the answers i'm so desperately seeking.  like the diagnosis would just become miraculously clear as i was holding it.   i stood for such a long time staring......... searching.......... waiting......................
3.   when i realized what i was doing----standing with a brain in my hands, waiting for it to speak to me----i felt such an overwhelming sense of absurdity and frustration that i couldn't handle it any longer.  tears started coming and i knew if i let them flow they wouldn't stop.  so i left.  i got out.  i stood in a bathroom stall, clenching and unclenching my fists and tried to remember how to breathe.

 

i want to find answers.

i don't know what that means, really.

 

i want my life, my life moving forward, to mean something.

i didn't find answers for my beautiful boy, i don't know that i ever will.

that's a hard truth to deal with.

 

but i want to keep trying.

i want to keep searching..... and who knows, maybe somewhere in that search i'll find answers for some other family, some other mother who's HOPE is still there, who's faith has not been shattered by question after unanswered question.  maybe i can give light to someone stumbling in the dark, provide a beacon for just one person who feels lost in the abyss.

 

maybe i won't find any answers, maybe the answers i'm seeking don't even exist.........

but it's the trying, the searching, the purpose that i need.

i need to be doing things that matter.

i want to do things that matter.

i want to matter.

 

i'm trying.

oh my heart, am i trying.

happy Sunday to you.

<3