this week i broke.

i haven't written for a while.

i've been wanting to write but every time i sit down to pour out my heart, my head seems to get in the way.

i have so much going on in both my heart and my head.....letting it out is the tricky part.

it's tricky because i'm not sure what it really is.

a jumbled mess of feelings---

emotions

thoughts

fears

worries

hopes

excitement

regret

sadness

frustration

stress

confusion

SO MUCH GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD

ALWAYS!!

i let it all build up and this week it kind of exploded on me.

i've been holding it in for awhile now with no release.

i think i've been avoiding my feelings, no---i'm sure i have.

if i keep myself busy and distracted enough, i don't have time to focus on the hard stuff.  i know it's there but i don't let myself be still long enough to really feel it.

pretty sure this is typical avoidance.

this week i broke.

studying for a math test set me off.

i had to be still, i was studying and needed my mind to concentrate.

forcing myself to be still and focus on the problems before me also opened the gates for everything else to come rushing through.

and boy did it ever!

i hadn't cried so hard in a while, i felt that familiar panic start to rise up and breathing became impossible.

i did what i usually do when the fear becomes too big and i don't know if i can make it---

i called my dad.

 my person.

 

 

he helps to remind me that i'm okay, i'm still here, i don't need to be perfect.  the pressure i put upon myself about school and everything else is something i'm doing, and i need to ease up.

somehow i need to find a balance for myself.

i've been searching for ways to do that for nearly my whole life.

more than anything, i struggle with myself.

i always have.

it's something i'm trying to figure out and understand.

it makes me miss my son so incredibly much.

 

i felt most comfortable with myself and who i am when i was caring for my beautiful boy.

i accepted myself more then because my son and i were so intertwined that to hate anything about myself would be like hating something about him.

and i just loved him.

i loved everything i did for him.

i miss him.

 i miss me with him.

 

i'm searching for acceptance.

sometimes i think i find bits and pieces.  i'm trying to save those in hopes that one day i'll be able to piece them together to form something real and strong and unbreakable.

i'm hoping.

i'm searching.

i'm trying.

i'm always trying.

 

happy Sunday to you.

<3