happy birthday aubrey.

on August 6, 2006......my life changed forever.

i gave birth to the most perfectly perfect little baby girl and became the person i was meant to be----a mother.

my whole life changed, in the best way possible, when i held my sweet baby girl.

my little Aubrey Monet.

today she turns 8.

8 years old, and so much has happened to her in her lifetime, things i wish i could have prevented or protected her from.

and none of it was her fault.

she has been through so much in her short little life, more than any little girl should have to experience.  i couldn't keep any of it from happening, but the one thing i have always been able to do is love her with my whole heart.

she stole my heart from day one and hasn't let it go since.

she is my BFF, my best friend forever.

every night i ask her, "Best Friends Forever?"  and she tells me, "Best Friends Forever."

i hope she means it as much as i do.

she is my best friend, and always will be.

she helps me way more than she will ever realize, she is my saving grace and my silly little friend.

because of her, i have been able to keep smiling, keep laughing, keep loving, keep living.

there's something very unique about my sweet girl-----she has the most tender, loving, caring heart of anyone i know.  she is the best sister a special little brother could have asked for.  i know my sweet boy and my sweet girl knew each other before this life, and that aubrey was anxiously waiting the 16 months it took to bring her brother back to her here on earth.

and i know she was his best friend too, and understood him in a way that is uniquely her own.

they were perfect together, and she misses him more than she can even come to terms with.

she will see him again someday, and the joy of that reunion is something i know she looks forward to and holds on to when the nights get hard.

she is my beautiful baby, and always will be.

Dear Aubrey, 

i know this life is rough and sometimes hard and scary.  but as your mom (mommy), i promise to always be here for you and to always love you with my whole heart, no matter what.  i love you infinitely more today than i did yesterday and will love you that much more tomorrow.

you make me happy.  never forget what a beautiful daughter of God you are.

Love you forever, mommy

<3

last night i went through the pictures on my computer and tried to pick out some of my "favorites"......it seems that all of them are my favorite, so be prepared for a lot.

i couldn't help it, she's too cute:)

 

i love you, sweet girl.

Best Friends Forever.

<3

sisterly love.

Sunday came around again......fancy pants are on, my sweet girl's last Sunday of being 7. 

she turns 8 on wednesday.

8!

i can't believe it.

speaking of my sweet girl......she's having a hard time lately.

oh, how my heart breaks for her.

i didn't think my heart could be any more broken than it already is, but seeing her struggle brings me a whole new kind of pain and heartache that i can't describe.

she misses her brother.

she misses her sweet baby brother, her best friend in life.

night times are when she feels it most. (much like me)

my poor sweet girl holds so much pain and worry in her tiny little body, it manifests itself at night through stomach aches and tears.

every night she has a tummy ache and every night she cries for her baby brother.

oh, the pain of a mother's soul!!

i want to help her, to protect her from this hurt, to keep her from having to feel all these feelings that are so strong and painful and so much bigger than any little girl should have to experience.

she is going through something even i cannot fully understand.

i lost my son.

i lost my sweet baby boy, my beautiful boy, my perfect little soul mate.

but i have never lost my brother.

 i have never lost the person i grew up with, only 16 months apart from me.

i have never lost a brother i felt so connected to, one i protected and felt so responsible for.

i have never felt that pain, the pain of a loving sister---a sister who adored her special brother in such a sweet and simple way.

she loved her brother with her whole heart, and misses him terribly.

we both miss him so terribly much.

we talk a lot about him, about his life, and now his death.

we understand and know that he is safe and at peace now.

we know he isn't struggling anymore and is with Jesus and very near to us, too.

but it still hurts. 

we talk about how much we miss him.

i miss holding him the most; she misses playing with him.

we both miss his sweet spirit, his perfect little spirit housed in his complicated little body.

we both understand that when he was here, we truly had a little piece of heaven with us at all times.

she understands this, she does.

i asked her if she recognized that same feeling when she held sweet little Mabel this summer.

"YES!!" 

she recognizes the pure love of Christ, embodied in these tiny little souls, these perfectly imperfect children that we have been so blessed to know and love and care for.

Connor was the closest thing to heaven that we will ever know here on this earth.

we were so lucky to have had the privilege of experiencing it every single day for 6 beautiful years.

taking care of my son, my beautiful little blue-eyed boy, was my greatest privilege.  being a mother to both of my sweet babies is my life's purpose, i know this.

and that's why this is so hard for me.

losing my sweet boy brought with it a pain that is beyond words, it's indescribable how much i miss him every second of the day.

and now watching my sweet girl hurt, watching her share in this awful pain is breaking my heart all over again.

we are trying.

i am trying my best to comfort my little girl as she goes through this.

we are taking this journey together, this journey of grief and loss, but our experiences are separate from each others.

only she knows what it's like to have lost her brother, her Connie.

and only i understand what it feels like to lose my sweet baby, my beautiful boy.

but we are in it together and i am so grateful for her sweet love.

please pray for my little girl if you have the chance.

pray for her comfort and peace as she goes through this grieving process.

pray that i will be inspired to know the right things to say and the right things to do to help and protect her.

we appreciate all the love and support we feel daily.

have a blessed Sunday, everyone.

<3