final.

i started this blog as a way to document my life with my sweet babies, so i could always remember the everyday things, i want to never forget.  another huge reason for starting it was so i could have an outlet for my feelings, sort of an online journal (without going into too much detail).  a way to get my emotions outside of my self.  so i'm going to use it as such today.....

i spoke with my attorney's office today and was informed that my divorce is final.  the judge has signed the papers and it's officially official.   i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel, or how i should feel, i just know that i feel.  i feel so many things.  i don't know what i was expecting to feel, really.  i just feel all kinds of things at once.  for the most part it's not any different than the way life has been for the past few years, but somehow having it final just feels.......different.   it's an overwhelming amount of feelings all swirling around at the same time.  it's been a long process, and i hope i handled everything in the best way i possibly could have.  it's sad.  it's a relief.  it's good, it's bad.  it's just emotional.

it's a bit of a frightening feeling to have my life pretty much starting over at the age of almost 30.  i feel sad for not being able to give aubrey and connor the 'ideal family life'.   that's what i feel most sad about.  i feel scared that aubrey's life may be 'screwed up' because of it.  i feel guilty and worried about that.
it's also a relief to have the whole process over with.  it's an end to that particular stress in my life.  it's a new beginning.  it's just so many things.
all at once.

it is what it is, i suppose.