worst 10 seconds of my life.

so this has been probably one of the worst weeks of my life.

everything's been such a whirlwind, i don't even know where to begin really...

when we brought connor home from the hospital after his surgery, he wasn't doing that great to begin with.  he was still in a lot of pain, and not breathing well, and not breathing at all without the nasal trumpet in.

and then it all started to go downhill from there.

for starters, he was having the worst stomach cramping/diarrhea i've ever seen in my life from the antibiotic he was on (i took him off) and also i think because they had been giving him the wrong formula the last day he was in the hospital.

so there was that.

and then there was the swelling of his tongue and the extreme pain.

and the agitation.

i have never seen him so agitated in my life, and he's been all kinds of agitated before.

he literally fought and flailed and grinded his teeth for 20 hours straight on Saturday.  even my dad had a hard time physically holding him because of how hard he was fighting and jerking.

then on Sunday he seemed to be slightly calmer that morning so my dad left and took aubrey to my sister's to go to church.

then the worst moments of my life happened.

it's really hard to even type, hard to put into words or share, but i need to because it happened.  and i can't pretend it didn't, or sugar coat it to make it better or less scary or real.  it happened and it was real.  and it was the absolute worst few moments of my entire life.

it might be hard to read, so i'm just warning you now.

while my dad was gone with aubrey, connor started to become extremely agitated again, even more so than before.

i was changing his nasal trumpet to the other nostril (as i had done many times before), but when i put it in the other side something must have been clogged and blocking the air from going in because he started to turn blue really fast.  he wasn't getting any air in at all.  i quickly switched it back to the nostril it had been in before, but he was already so agitated and frantic (and terrified looking) that he wasn't able to get a breath.  at all. he was turning so blue, so fast.

i was trying everything i could, but nothing was working.

i was terrified.

and i don't get terrified all that often with him.  some things start to worry me at certain points, but never have i felt actual heart stopping fear like i did on that day.

my beautiful boy was dying.

i was holding him and he was so terribly blue and getting no air in at all.

he started convulsing, his body was convulsing and starting to shut down, i could feel it.

he started to go limp and then his eyes started to roll back into his head.  

i felt him leaving me, i truly felt him leaving me for a few moments, the worst moments of my life.

i started breathing into his mouth, giving him rescue breaths.  and then i started screaming at him.  i was yelling at him to stop, to come back. after what seemed like an eternity (i'm sure it was only about 10 seconds or so) he started to get little gasps of air in and his color slowly started to return.

he was back, and i was shaking.

i have never been so frightened in my life.

so many things were running through my mind as this was happening.  i kept thinking about aubrey and how she left and he was alive and she couldn't come back to him gone.  and how he couldn't leave me, not now, not like this.  i wasn't ready, i wasn't prepared.

how will i ever be prepared???

after all this, i called my dad and told him what happened and that we needed to take him to the emergency room.

so we did.

we went back to the hospital.

we got to the ER and they immediately put him on oxygen.

oh, and when we got there, i took off his jacket and discovered this on his arm:

 this was on his arm and no one could tell me what it was exactly.  they still can't.  some were saying it looked like he pinched it (really??), some said it looked like he scraped it (but there was no surface blood, just these slightly raised red bumps), and others said it looked like burst blood vessels.

i think he was probably straining so hard and so agitated that he burst his blood vessels.  but i'm not sure because it was only on the one arm and no where else.

 very strange.

anyway, we waited in the ER for a while while the ran some tests and blood work and did chest x-rays.

 everything came back normal, of course.  except that his swab test tested positive for a cold virus.

so i'm sure that was causing his breathing to be even worse.

i felt so bad for my sweet boy.

i love him so much.

we were admitted to a room upstairs pretty quickly and he was still so agitated.

he was finally given ativan and was able to calm down enough to fall asleep for a little bit.

 we spent the next day trying to keep him comfortable and breathing well and control his agitation.

they upped his pain med dose and kept the ativan coming, more than they would probably normally do.

he was only comfortable when he was sedated.

they kept us another night, they really didn't know what to do for him or why he was so agitated.

 it was a long couple days.

not much sleep at night, and lots of waiting during the day.

 i just love him so much.

luckily, my dad was here and able to extend his plane ticket (twice).

i felt so much relief knowing that he was taking care of my sweet girl.

 or maybe she was taking care of him....

i love these two so much.  i felt so bad when they would leave because aubrey would beg me to stay or to come home with her.  it would break my heart.  i wish i never had to be away from her, and i hope she knows how much i love her.

she's the best big sister ever.

finally we were set up with a game plan, and able to come home.

apparently, we were supposed to have gone home with oxygen the first time we left the hospital, but somewhere that "got lost in translation".......(so frustrating)

also, he was supposed to be on his steroid still, (to help with the swelling) but somehow that got lost in the mix too.....(even more frustrating)

so this time i made sure we had everything, along with some ativan to be given as needed if his agitation continues.

we're home now.

he seems to be doing well so far, i'm trying to keep him as comfortable as possible.

the oxygen seems to really help.

he is so beautiful.

he is so perfect.

i am so lucky to have him here with me still.

 i have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

i could go on and on counting my endless blessings.

the greatest blessing, by far, is being a mother.

i am so lucky.

<3