be still and listen.

it feels like it's been forever since i've written.

  it's been one week.

  but time seems to do that lately---i swear that years have passed, and then realize it's only been days, or weeks.  i am having such a hard time understanding this new concept of time.  i don't get it.

i miss my son.

i feel like there is so much going on in my life, or rather, i'm working so hard at so many things in my life, and i just ache for the familiar calm that came with holding my sweet boy.

working on myself, working hard at changing myself for the better is hard, and scary, and at times so chaotic yet so rewarding......but at the end of the day i just want to hold my sweet boy.  because i feel like that would make things better.  everything always made sense, even if it was only for a short period of time, when i was holding my beautiful boy.

my biggest source of comfort has been taken away and i am constantly searching for new ways to find it.

it's hard.

but i'm trying.

every day i'm trying so hard to do my best, to be my best.  i want so badly to make good choices, good decisions, and to be a good mom to aubrey and a good person in general.  it's hard to explain but it feels like this was all so much easier when Connor was here with me, in my arms.  it's as if i had the most accurate Life Compass, always with me, always by my side pointing me exactly where i needed to go.......and then it was just ripped away from me without warning.  and now i'm here--disoriented, trying to find my way through the thickest of fogs. 

if that makes any sense.

i am grateful for the guidance i still have, i know the general direction i need to go--it's just harder, and scarier.  and not the same.  learning to live with the 'not the same' is the challenge.  but i know that great strength comes from great challenge.  so i am trying to be strong, trying to grow strong. 

i'm so grateful for my little girl and the love she gives me.

she helps me more than she'll ever realize.

i'm happy we have each other, and that we have our sweet angel, guiding and directing us if we'll just be still and listen.

 happy Sunday.

<3

3 months.

this Sunday is a particularly hard one.

today is 3 months.

3 months since my beautiful boy died, 3 months since i've held my son.

 three months.

i can't believe it's only been 3 months.

how is it possible that 3 months seems like 3 decades??

how is it possible that time is so deceiving?

how is it possible that my son is gone?

how am i still living when my heart stopped beating that day......

how is it all possible?

..........................

i miss him so much.

it feels like so many things have happened since he died, yet sometimes it feels like nothing is changed at all.  like i will walk in the living room one day and expect him to be there, rolling on the floor, needing to be suctioned.  or i'll turn around in the van and hope he'll still be there in his carseat, kicking his feet and squirming away.  or i wake up at night, and swear i hear his breathing.  i want to get up and go across the hall and suction my sweet boy.

but he's not there.

and he's not in the van, or in the living room.

he's not here.

he's gone.

 

and now the only way to feel him is to close my eyes and let him in.

sometimes i can feel him right away, without trying really.

other times i try so desperately, so frantically to feel my son and if i can't i panic.

i want to feel him.

i want him to be with me all the time, like he was when he was still here, still alive, in my arms.

i miss him being in my arms.

i miss him being with me, all the time.

he was always with me.  always.

and now he's not.

  or he is, but it's different.  it's harder.

it's not the same.

it will never be the same, and that is something i am learning how to live with.

i am so incredibly grateful for the time i got to spend with my son.  yes, it was far too short and full of trials of every kind......but i wouldn't change any of it for one second.  i know how lucky i was to be the one who got to care for him.  i know how much he blessed every aspect of my life.  i know he was sent to me to help me, to save me.  and i know i will see him again.

one day we will be together again.

and on that day will be the beginning of our forever.

i cannot wait for that day.

and yet i know i need to live this life now.

i need to remember, while i'm in the depths of my grief, that this life will be but a brief stop on our long journey of forever.

i can get through this life because of the knowledge i have of the next.

and i have a sweet girl that makes this life so worth living.

we miss our sweet boy, our Connie.

 

everyday is a hard day for me.

but i can do hard things.

or i can try......and trying is something i continue to do every single day.

 

i am trying.

i am living.

i am sad.

but i will be ok.

 all i have to do is close my eyes and let him in.

<3

we need you.

Sunday has arrived.

we are ready for pictures...

have i mentioned lately how much i love this girl?

cause i do.

we decided to have baby Connie join us today...

 oh, i miss him so much.

kisses for baby Connie.

she said she was holding the picture "just like i used to hold Connie".

i miss the two of them together.

i know she does too.

then we let our beautiful boy choose the next pose, and of course this was always his favorite...

we miss you, buddy boo.

fancy pants still aren't the same without you, but we are trying.

we're trying our very hardest and we know you're helping us.

we need you, more than anyone knows.

we love you, sweet boy.

forever.

<3

the viewing.

it's been a while since i last posted pictures of that week.

i have a few more.

i have some from my beautiful boy's viewing and his funeral.

i haven't been able to post them yet, it's been hard.

i miss him so much.

it's almost harder to look back at these pictures than it was to actually be there.

when i was there, when i was living it, i was so numb.

my brain was numbing my heart from feeling too much, from literally breaking.

i went through all the motions, but i was still in a state of shock.

i guess i should be grateful for that.

but now, looking back through the pictures, (some of them i took, and some of them my dear friend, a photographer, took), i am taken back to that awful week and this time i can feel it all.

and it hurts.

during the week after my sweet boy died, i was busy.

i was so busy,

and i was so grateful to be in a state of doing because i couldn't just sit still and be.  it was too hard.

i was busy with planning the funeral, picking out my sweet boy's clothes, writing the obituary, writing the eulogy, designing the program, and putting together things for the display tables.

 i wanted so badly for everything to be perfect for my son.

my little boy.

i had so much more i wanted to display, i wanted every single memory and picture and treasure to be there, and even that wouldn't have been enough.

i narrowed it down to 2 tables worth.

it didn't seem like enough.  he was so much more than that.

it seemed so harsh that it all just filled up 2 tables.

i would have filled up the whole building if i could.

it just didn't feel like enough.

the dog in the middle is mine.  my Baxter, i've had him since i was 3.  i found matching ones for my sweet babies, and even made them matching superhero capes to wear.

i can't remember taking this picture, my sweet girl and me.

people started arriving, and it was all pretty much a blur.

 i remember lots of people, lots of faces, lots of hugs, and so many tears.

a safe hug from my dad.
i will forever need those.

i stood the entire time, i don't think i moved at all.

i was so numb.

my sweet boy was right there, right beside me.......but he wasn't.  he wasn't really there.

he was gone. 

he left me a week ago and i just wanted him to come back.

it was the strangest feeling, because i was standing right beside my son's body.  i could touch him and see him and feel him, but he wasn't there.  it wasn't him.

yes, there was a beautiful, perfect little boy laying right there in his white casket, and he was as handsome as can be......but it wasn't him.  i didn't even recognize him in a way.

he wasn't my sweet boy, my perfect little boy.

it was just his body, and my son was so much more than that. 

i missed his spirit.

i still do.

<3

i am grateful.

another week has passed, another Sunday is here.

and so here we are, in our fancy pants and ready for pictures...

we decided we wanted Super Connie to join us today...

he is our hero.

after church, aubrey and i drove straight to the cemetery.

we needed to visit our sweet boy's 'spot'.

we brought another little blue treasure to add to his collection.

i usually come here alone, i sit and talk to my beautiful little boy.

i tell him about his Sissy and what she's been up to.  i fill him in on my life---my struggles and worries and triumphs.  i ask for his advice, for his guidance.  i remind him of his promise to look out for his sister, to help me take care of her in the best way possible.

i tell him how much i love him.

"you know how much mommy loves you, right?"

i cry because i miss him.

"mommy misses you, sweet boy.....soooo much."

i miss everything about him.

it's always nice to bring aubrey with me to the cemetery.

today was such a nice, warm day and as i watched my sweet girl run across the grass, her dress blowing in the wind, i felt such gratitude.

i am so grateful for my life and all the experiences that have brought me to this point, to this very spot in this very cemetery.

i miss my son.

i miss him every single moment of every single day.

i wish he were here in my arms, i wish more than anything i could be holding him and kissing his sweet face.

but he isn't here, and instead i am sitting at his graveside, left with only my memories and my faith and hope in the plan of my Heavenly Father, and the knowledge that i will see my baby again.

and i am grateful.

i am grateful for the 6 years i had the sweet privilege of caring for my beautiful boy.

i am grateful for the struggles and for the challenges and the hard times.

it makes the good ones all that sweeter.

i am so grateful for my little girl.

i am grateful that she was the one chosen to be Connor's sister, his protector.

 i am grateful for this life, and every struggle along the way.

happy Sunday.

<3

update on life and stuff.

it feels like it's been a while since i've written.

i feel like i need to write, get some 'stuff' out of my head...

first off, i miss my sweet boy.

i just do.

............................

my arms still feel so empty without him in them.

my nights are still spent waking periodically, checking for his breathing...

and then i remember he's not there.

i can't hear him because he's not there.

i still sit on the floor 90% of the time.  sitting on the couch just feels weird.

my beautiful boy's little makeshift bed is still in the middle of the living room floor.

i don't know when i'll be able to move it.

his carseat is still in the van, empty.

there are cases of his formula stacked up against the wall downstairs.

i will get up the courage to find someone to donate those to, i will do that sooner than anything else.

it's just hard.

aubrey is great.

she is amazing and wonderful and brave.

she is dealing with the loss of her brother the best way she possibly can.

she talks about him all the time, like he's just a blink of an eye away.

he is, really.

she still gets sad at night, much like me.

she is such a blessing to me, my sweet little girl.

i am working hard at bettering myself.

i'm facing issues that have been with me off and on since i was a teenager.

i am trying my hardest to fight against the negativity i've always directed towards myself, i'm trying to be better.

i want to be better.

i feel like i am finally able to face these challenges head on because i have a little blue-eyed angel, wearing his Superhero cape i'm sure, backing me up and urging me forward.

i want my life to be as meaningful as possible, to help as many people as i can along the way.

i want to live my life in a way that both my sweet babies can be proud of.

i am trying.

i am learning.

i am living.

i have hope.

<3

grace.

so, it's Sunday again.

i told aubrey to come take some Sunday fancy pants pictures with me, and right off she said, "I'll go get Connie!"

 that made me so happy.

it definitely feels less sad when we have 'our Connie' with us in the pictures.

kisses for our beautiful angel boy.

i am so grateful for my sweet girl and her tender heart.

she is such an amazing little girl, and i know i wouldn't be able to keep it together if it weren't for her and her sweet love.

she regularly talks about her brother, her Connie, and for that i am so grateful.

i need to talk about him.  i need to still include him in everything because he hasn't left me, yet i miss him so incredibly much.

we decided to let Connor choose our next pose.....

this is the one he would choose most when he was still here.

;)

we miss him.

i miss him.

i am relying on his love and strength, and the loving grace of my Heavenly Father to get me through this life, day by day.

i am fighting hard to overcome some personal battles that have always plagued me.  i feel empowered because of the knowledge i have that my sweet boy is helping me.  i know i can do hard things, with the help of my Savior and my beautiful little blue-eyed angel boy.

today i am grateful for that knowledge and for the grace i receive every day.

happy Sunday to you.

<3