Behind Blue Eyes....: be still and listen.

it feels like it's been forever since i've written.

it's been one week.

but time seems to do that lately---i swear that years have passed, and then realize it's only been days, or weeks. i am having such a hard time understanding this new concept of time. i don't get it.

i miss my son.

i feel like there is so much going on in my life, or rather, i'm working so hard at so many things in my life, and i just ache for the familiar calm that came with holding my sweet boy.

working on myself, working hard at changing myself for the better is hard, and scary, and at times so chaotic yet so rewarding......but at the end of the day i just want to hold my sweet boy. because i feel like that would make things better. everything always made sense, even if it was only for a short period of time, when i was holding my beautiful boy.

my biggest source of comfort has been taken away and i am constantly searching for new ways to find it.

it's hard.

but i'm trying.

every day i'm trying so hard to do my best, to be my best. i want so badly to make good choices, good decisions, and to be a good mom to aubrey and a good person in general. it's hard to explain but it feels like this was all so much easier when Connor was here with me, in my arms. it's as if i had the most accurate Life Compass, always with me, always by my side pointing me exactly where i needed to go.......and then it was just ripped away from me without warning. and now i'm here--disoriented, trying to find my way through the thickest of fogs.

if that makes any sense.

i am grateful for the guidance i still have, i know the general direction i need to go--it's just harder, and scarier. and not the same. learning to live with the 'not the same' is the challenge. but i know that great strength comes from great challenge. so i am trying to be strong, trying to grow strong.