update on life and stuff.

it feels like it's been a while since i've written.

i feel like i need to write, get some 'stuff' out of my head...

first off, i miss my sweet boy.

i just do.

............................

my arms still feel so empty without him in them.

my nights are still spent waking periodically, checking for his breathing...

and then i remember he's not there.

i can't hear him because he's not there.

i still sit on the floor 90% of the time.  sitting on the couch just feels weird.

my beautiful boy's little makeshift bed is still in the middle of the living room floor.

i don't know when i'll be able to move it.

his carseat is still in the van, empty.

there are cases of his formula stacked up against the wall downstairs.

i will get up the courage to find someone to donate those to, i will do that sooner than anything else.

it's just hard.

aubrey is great.

she is amazing and wonderful and brave.

she is dealing with the loss of her brother the best way she possibly can.

she talks about him all the time, like he's just a blink of an eye away.

he is, really.

she still gets sad at night, much like me.

she is such a blessing to me, my sweet little girl.

i am working hard at bettering myself.

i'm facing issues that have been with me off and on since i was a teenager.

i am trying my hardest to fight against the negativity i've always directed towards myself, i'm trying to be better.

i want to be better.

i feel like i am finally able to face these challenges head on because i have a little blue-eyed angel, wearing his Superhero cape i'm sure, backing me up and urging me forward.

i want my life to be as meaningful as possible, to help as many people as i can along the way.

i want to live my life in a way that both my sweet babies can be proud of.

i am trying.

i am learning.

i am living.

i have hope.

<3