3 months.

this Sunday is a particularly hard one.

today is 3 months.

3 months since my beautiful boy died, 3 months since i've held my son.

 three months.

i can't believe it's only been 3 months.

how is it possible that 3 months seems like 3 decades??

how is it possible that time is so deceiving?

how is it possible that my son is gone?

how am i still living when my heart stopped beating that day......

how is it all possible?

..........................

i miss him so much.

it feels like so many things have happened since he died, yet sometimes it feels like nothing is changed at all.  like i will walk in the living room one day and expect him to be there, rolling on the floor, needing to be suctioned.  or i'll turn around in the van and hope he'll still be there in his carseat, kicking his feet and squirming away.  or i wake up at night, and swear i hear his breathing.  i want to get up and go across the hall and suction my sweet boy.

but he's not there.

and he's not in the van, or in the living room.

he's not here.

he's gone.

 

and now the only way to feel him is to close my eyes and let him in.

sometimes i can feel him right away, without trying really.

other times i try so desperately, so frantically to feel my son and if i can't i panic.

i want to feel him.

i want him to be with me all the time, like he was when he was still here, still alive, in my arms.

i miss him being in my arms.

i miss him being with me, all the time.

he was always with me.  always.

and now he's not.

  or he is, but it's different.  it's harder.

it's not the same.

it will never be the same, and that is something i am learning how to live with.

i am so incredibly grateful for the time i got to spend with my son.  yes, it was far too short and full of trials of every kind......but i wouldn't change any of it for one second.  i know how lucky i was to be the one who got to care for him.  i know how much he blessed every aspect of my life.  i know he was sent to me to help me, to save me.  and i know i will see him again.

one day we will be together again.

and on that day will be the beginning of our forever.

i cannot wait for that day.

and yet i know i need to live this life now.

i need to remember, while i'm in the depths of my grief, that this life will be but a brief stop on our long journey of forever.

i can get through this life because of the knowledge i have of the next.

and i have a sweet girl that makes this life so worth living.

we miss our sweet boy, our Connie.

 

everyday is a hard day for me.

but i can do hard things.

or i can try......and trying is something i continue to do every single day.

 

i am trying.

i am living.

i am sad.

but i will be ok.

 all i have to do is close my eyes and let him in.

<3