he is with me.

it's Sunday.

and there's no school tomorrow for Labor Day.

yayy!!

i am trying to use this time to get ahead of my schoolwork.  maybe that will alleviate some of the stress?? (maybe)

i am definitely stressed.

going back to college is doing exactly what i expected it to do----keeping me occupied.

my mind is occupied from the moment i wake up, to the moment i finally fall asleep.  (and then in some of my dreams, too)  but it's not just with school.  my beautiful boy is on my mind constantly.  i miss him so much that sometimes it still hurts to breathe.

i am thankful for the challenge of school, because it keeps me physically occupied every day........but it still has to share space in my head with thoughts of my sweet boy.

every step i take as i'm walking to a different building for a different class----i'm wishing my sweet boy was somewhere waiting for me.

every time i catch a glimpse of the blue in my hair i wish more than anything it was gone and he was here.

when someone comments on the blue of my glasses or the paint on my toes----it takes everything i have not to fall to pieces right in front of them.

i miss my son.

i miss him when i'm busy and surrounded by people, and i miss him when i'm sitting by myself at home, alone.

i just miss him.

 

 it's a strange {and awful} feeling to be walking among hundreds of people every day and not one of them knows me.  they will never know me because they never knew my son.  it's such an empty feeling to know that anyone i meet from now on won't even know about my beautiful boy, besides what i tell them.  they won't know about the way he moved, or how he felt or what cute sounds he made when i touched his eyebrows.  they won't know the sound of his breathing, before and after suctioning.  they won't know about the sweet smell of his breath.  they will never know the way his little lips puckered when mommy asked him if he wanted just one more kiss, or the way he could stick out his tongue to answer 'yes'.......they won't know any of this, and that breaks my heart.

i won't stop telling people.

i won't ever stop telling people about my sweet baby boy, or talking about him, or thinking about him, or longing for him.

i can't.

he is still a part of me {still the best part of me, along with his sister}.

he is still with me-----as i walk to class, as i learn knew things, as i stress myself out over every assignment.....  he is with me as i sit on the floor at night, right next to his 'bed' that's still laying in the middle of the living room, untouched.......he is with me as i cry until there are no more tears left......he is with me as i comfort his sister, who is mourning the loss of 'her Connie'......

he is with me.

he's still with me, just not in the way i so desperately miss.

my arms will never stop wishing they could just hold him.

my lips will never stop missing his sweet kisses.

my heart will never stop wishing he was here with me.

i will never stop missing my beautiful boy.

 ..........until the day i get to see him again.

i have complete faith and hope that my beautiful boy will be in my arms again someday.

until that day i have to move forward with the trust that it will all be ok.

i am trying.

every day i am still trying.

it helps to know that he is still with me.

happy Sunday to you.

<3

oh, my heart.

it's Sunday:)

aubrey and i had a good day at church.

when we got home we decided to go take her pre-baptism pictures.

see, my sweet girl is getting baptized in 2 weeks.

in our church, when a child turns 8 they have the choice to get baptized.   aubrey has chosen to do so and i couldn't be more proud or happy.  all the other little girls her age at church have already been baptized, she's the last one in the bunch:)  they all had such cute pictures taken in their little white dresses so i thought i'd do the same for aubrey.  what makes it even more special is that she's wearing the dress i was baptized in almost 23 years ago when i turned 8.

i asked her where she wanted to take the pictures----we could go to one of the temples, or a garden, or anywhere she'd like-----she immediately said, "I want to go to Connie's grave!"

oh, my heart.

ok!

so that's what we did today.  we went to our beautiful boy's spot and took (what i think are) some beautiful pictures.

i love this little girl with all my heart, and the way that she loves her brother---her Connie---makes me happier than i can express.

i love that she wants to include him in such big important events in her life.

i love that i can feel him so near.

i love that she can too.

i love my sweet babies.

happy Sunday to you.

<3

<3

8 months

8 months today.

i still don't understand how eight months can feel like a million lifetimes...

it feels like it's been lifetimes since i've seen my sweet boy, since i've held him in my arms.

 i miss him so much.

 

 

 

i started school....................

i am stressed!!

i am worried i can't do it, that i will fail.

i am going to try my best, of course, but i still worry it won't be enough.

i miss my son.

the biggest emotion i have felt this week (besides stress), is sadness.  i miss my sweet boy so much, and the fact that i am in college and able to go to school------ it's because my sweet boy is gone.

 

i shouldn't be here!!  i should be at HOME with my son!  i should be taking care of my sweet baby, he should BE HERE and i should be at home with him!!

but he's not here.

and i'm not with him.

instead, i'm walking to class........or driving home from school.......or worrying about all my assignments and what papers i'm going to write first.....

i just miss him.  and i would give anything to go back to that life that i knew and loved.

 but i can't.

 

i can't and i have to figure out a way to move forward. (even though it scares the living daylights out of me)

i don't really know how to do it yet.

i am hoping i will figure things out with time.

i'm hoping the grief that is smothering me will lift just enough to where i can breathe......i just need to be able to breathe enough to survive the day.

day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

that is how i will make it.

i hope.

 

i know my beautiful boy is with me, urging me along every step of the way.

i do know this.......it's just hard when i wish he were in my arms instead.

i will keep trying!

that's all i can do.

i miss my beautiful little boy.

"8 months" doesn't make sense to me........it's been so much longer according to my heart.

 

mommy misses you, buddy-boo.

so much.

<3

stress and wishes.

it's Sunday again, another busy week has passed.

my head is so full of thoughts and worries and stresses.....

 

i start school in three (3!!!) days.

i miss my beautiful boy.

i ran another 5k yesterday, Team Angel Connie, in honor of my sweet boy.

my dad is in Brazil for a couple weeks, and it always makes me a little uneasy having him out of the country....

i miss my beautiful boy.

i am stressed about things in aubrey's life, trying to make sure she's safe and comfortable and able to deal with such big things that are going on in her little world----and trying to do it all without hurting or upsetting anyone else......it's hard!!

i am stressed!!

did i mention school starts in three days??!

i miss my beautiful boy.

i miss my sweet little boy so much i can't even explain.

i am so stressed.

and when i get really stressed, the only thing i really want to do is to hold my sweet boy...

i

 i miss holding him so much.

no matter what was going on in my life, or how stressed i got, i knew that holding my sweet baby boy would calm my nerves and ease any stress that was happening around me.

 now he's gone and i don't have that----i don't have my biggest source of comfort and most days i just don't know what to do.

i am lost.

i miss him so much.

so much.

i started running in a couple different 5k races (something i thought i'd NEVER do), in memory of my sweet boy.

Team Angel Connie.

 

i'm not the best runner, i don't do it for time or exercise or anything else-----i do it because it helps.  in the smallest way, it helps to know that i'm running for a purpose.  i'm running for my beautiful boy, my perfect little angel.

it's not much, but it helps.

it helps to know that i can still do something for him, with him right on my back.

it makes me the most happy when other runners ask, "what's the C for?"

and then i can tell them, "my son passed away in December, so we're running for him....for Angel Connor."

and it helps.

i can talk about him, and it helps.

it doesn't help much, but it helps a little bit......and i'll take what i can get.

i just miss him so much.

 

 

i wish more than anything i could just hold him, i wish i could hold him and feel my stress melt away.

i wish life didn't scare me or stress me out so much....

i wish i had all the right answers on how to help and guide and direct my little girl in her life, and to keep her safe from all of it....

i wish i knew that i could do the things that frighten me.....

i wish i had more confidence in myself and my decisions....

i just wish things could be different, that i could have my beautiful boy in my arms.......and not in my wishes.

i cannot change the way things are.

i can only hope, and have faith, and keep trying.

so that's what i'll do.

i miss my son.

i miss the comfort he brought to my arms, and the peace he brought to my soul.

i just miss him.

 

happy Sunday to you.

<3

conquering fears.

it's Sunday yet again.

it's been a busy week, full of birthday goodness and my very first 5k yesterday!

i put together "Team Angel Connie" with some of my best friends and we ran in honor of my sweet boy.

it was fun, and not nearly as scary or hard as i was imagining it to be.

i was nervous, but i'm glad i conquered my fear and went outside my comfort zone to do this race.

it meant so much to me to be able to do something like this for my beautiful little boy.

and having great friends and cheerleaders there to urge us along was the best part of it all.

i worked on making the capes all week, and thought of my sweet boy the entire time.

each time i drew another angel wing it hit me hard........my son is an angel.

he's an angel because he's not here with me anymore.

 he's not here with me anymore and now he's a beautiful little angel.

i just miss him so much!

i miss my beautiful little boy, my sweet angel.

i just miss him.

i start college in 10 days.

eeek!!!

i am beyond nervous for this.

i know it's a positive thing, and a step i need to take for mine and aubrey's future, but i'm scared.

i know i will probably be just fine and it will all turn out ok, but i can't help being anxious.

going to college, taking that step forward in my life, also means that life is moving forward......without my sweet boy.

and that's hard.

it's all just hard.

every day, every step forward i take in my life, takes me further away from the life i know, from the life i knew so well-----the life i loved---taking care of my beautiful boy.

i took care of my sweet boy's every single need, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 wonderful years.

and i loved it!

no matter what else happens in my life, no matter how many more beautiful or wonderful things transpire in my lifetime............i will always miss those years.

those 6 years will forever be something i ache for, long for, no matter what else happens.

i would have been perfectly happy taking care of my beautiful boy for the rest of my life, but that's not the plan Heavenly Father had for me.

oh, how i wish it was!! 

now i just need to move forward, in faith, and trust that i will be ok no matter what this "new" life brings me.

nothing will ever be the same, or as sweet or comforting as it once was, but i need to figure out how to live my best life anyway.

i am trying.

i am figuring it out minute by minute.

i have faith.

i miss my beautiful angel boy.

happy Sunday to you.

<3

happy birthday aubrey.

on August 6, 2006......my life changed forever.

i gave birth to the most perfectly perfect little baby girl and became the person i was meant to be----a mother.

my whole life changed, in the best way possible, when i held my sweet baby girl.

my little Aubrey Monet.

today she turns 8.

8 years old, and so much has happened to her in her lifetime, things i wish i could have prevented or protected her from.

and none of it was her fault.

she has been through so much in her short little life, more than any little girl should have to experience.  i couldn't keep any of it from happening, but the one thing i have always been able to do is love her with my whole heart.

she stole my heart from day one and hasn't let it go since.

she is my BFF, my best friend forever.

every night i ask her, "Best Friends Forever?"  and she tells me, "Best Friends Forever."

i hope she means it as much as i do.

she is my best friend, and always will be.

she helps me way more than she will ever realize, she is my saving grace and my silly little friend.

because of her, i have been able to keep smiling, keep laughing, keep loving, keep living.

there's something very unique about my sweet girl-----she has the most tender, loving, caring heart of anyone i know.  she is the best sister a special little brother could have asked for.  i know my sweet boy and my sweet girl knew each other before this life, and that aubrey was anxiously waiting the 16 months it took to bring her brother back to her here on earth.

and i know she was his best friend too, and understood him in a way that is uniquely her own.

they were perfect together, and she misses him more than she can even come to terms with.

she will see him again someday, and the joy of that reunion is something i know she looks forward to and holds on to when the nights get hard.

she is my beautiful baby, and always will be.

Dear Aubrey, 

i know this life is rough and sometimes hard and scary.  but as your mom (mommy), i promise to always be here for you and to always love you with my whole heart, no matter what.  i love you infinitely more today than i did yesterday and will love you that much more tomorrow.

you make me happy.  never forget what a beautiful daughter of God you are.

Love you forever, mommy

<3

last night i went through the pictures on my computer and tried to pick out some of my "favorites"......it seems that all of them are my favorite, so be prepared for a lot.

i couldn't help it, she's too cute:)

 

i love you, sweet girl.

Best Friends Forever.

<3