8 months

8 months today.

i still don't understand how eight months can feel like a million lifetimes...

it feels like it's been lifetimes since i've seen my sweet boy, since i've held him in my arms.

 i miss him so much.

 

 

 

i started school....................

i am stressed!!

i am worried i can't do it, that i will fail.

i am going to try my best, of course, but i still worry it won't be enough.

i miss my son.

the biggest emotion i have felt this week (besides stress), is sadness.  i miss my sweet boy so much, and the fact that i am in college and able to go to school------ it's because my sweet boy is gone.

 

i shouldn't be here!!  i should be at HOME with my son!  i should be taking care of my sweet baby, he should BE HERE and i should be at home with him!!

but he's not here.

and i'm not with him.

instead, i'm walking to class........or driving home from school.......or worrying about all my assignments and what papers i'm going to write first.....

i just miss him.  and i would give anything to go back to that life that i knew and loved.

 but i can't.

 

i can't and i have to figure out a way to move forward. (even though it scares the living daylights out of me)

i don't really know how to do it yet.

i am hoping i will figure things out with time.

i'm hoping the grief that is smothering me will lift just enough to where i can breathe......i just need to be able to breathe enough to survive the day.

day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

that is how i will make it.

i hope.

 

i know my beautiful boy is with me, urging me along every step of the way.

i do know this.......it's just hard when i wish he were in my arms instead.

i will keep trying!

that's all i can do.

i miss my beautiful little boy.

"8 months" doesn't make sense to me........it's been so much longer according to my heart.

 

mommy misses you, buddy-boo.

so much.

<3