stress and wishes.

it's Sunday again, another busy week has passed.

my head is so full of thoughts and worries and stresses.....

 

i start school in three (3!!!) days.

i miss my beautiful boy.

i ran another 5k yesterday, Team Angel Connie, in honor of my sweet boy.

my dad is in Brazil for a couple weeks, and it always makes me a little uneasy having him out of the country....

i miss my beautiful boy.

i am stressed about things in aubrey's life, trying to make sure she's safe and comfortable and able to deal with such big things that are going on in her little world----and trying to do it all without hurting or upsetting anyone else......it's hard!!

i am stressed!!

did i mention school starts in three days??!

i miss my beautiful boy.

i miss my sweet little boy so much i can't even explain.

i am so stressed.

and when i get really stressed, the only thing i really want to do is to hold my sweet boy...

i

 i miss holding him so much.

no matter what was going on in my life, or how stressed i got, i knew that holding my sweet baby boy would calm my nerves and ease any stress that was happening around me.

 now he's gone and i don't have that----i don't have my biggest source of comfort and most days i just don't know what to do.

i am lost.

i miss him so much.

so much.

i started running in a couple different 5k races (something i thought i'd NEVER do), in memory of my sweet boy.

Team Angel Connie.

 

i'm not the best runner, i don't do it for time or exercise or anything else-----i do it because it helps.  in the smallest way, it helps to know that i'm running for a purpose.  i'm running for my beautiful boy, my perfect little angel.

it's not much, but it helps.

it helps to know that i can still do something for him, with him right on my back.

it makes me the most happy when other runners ask, "what's the C for?"

and then i can tell them, "my son passed away in December, so we're running for him....for Angel Connor."

and it helps.

i can talk about him, and it helps.

it doesn't help much, but it helps a little bit......and i'll take what i can get.

i just miss him so much.

 

 

i wish more than anything i could just hold him, i wish i could hold him and feel my stress melt away.

i wish life didn't scare me or stress me out so much....

i wish i had all the right answers on how to help and guide and direct my little girl in her life, and to keep her safe from all of it....

i wish i knew that i could do the things that frighten me.....

i wish i had more confidence in myself and my decisions....

i just wish things could be different, that i could have my beautiful boy in my arms.......and not in my wishes.

i cannot change the way things are.

i can only hope, and have faith, and keep trying.

so that's what i'll do.

i miss my son.

i miss the comfort he brought to my arms, and the peace he brought to my soul.

i just miss him.

 

happy Sunday to you.

<3