he is with me.

it's Sunday.

and there's no school tomorrow for Labor Day.

yayy!!

i am trying to use this time to get ahead of my schoolwork.  maybe that will alleviate some of the stress?? (maybe)

i am definitely stressed.

going back to college is doing exactly what i expected it to do----keeping me occupied.

my mind is occupied from the moment i wake up, to the moment i finally fall asleep.  (and then in some of my dreams, too)  but it's not just with school.  my beautiful boy is on my mind constantly.  i miss him so much that sometimes it still hurts to breathe.

i am thankful for the challenge of school, because it keeps me physically occupied every day........but it still has to share space in my head with thoughts of my sweet boy.

every step i take as i'm walking to a different building for a different class----i'm wishing my sweet boy was somewhere waiting for me.

every time i catch a glimpse of the blue in my hair i wish more than anything it was gone and he was here.

when someone comments on the blue of my glasses or the paint on my toes----it takes everything i have not to fall to pieces right in front of them.

i miss my son.

i miss him when i'm busy and surrounded by people, and i miss him when i'm sitting by myself at home, alone.

i just miss him.

 

 it's a strange {and awful} feeling to be walking among hundreds of people every day and not one of them knows me.  they will never know me because they never knew my son.  it's such an empty feeling to know that anyone i meet from now on won't even know about my beautiful boy, besides what i tell them.  they won't know about the way he moved, or how he felt or what cute sounds he made when i touched his eyebrows.  they won't know the sound of his breathing, before and after suctioning.  they won't know about the sweet smell of his breath.  they will never know the way his little lips puckered when mommy asked him if he wanted just one more kiss, or the way he could stick out his tongue to answer 'yes'.......they won't know any of this, and that breaks my heart.

i won't stop telling people.

i won't ever stop telling people about my sweet baby boy, or talking about him, or thinking about him, or longing for him.

i can't.

he is still a part of me {still the best part of me, along with his sister}.

he is still with me-----as i walk to class, as i learn knew things, as i stress myself out over every assignment.....  he is with me as i sit on the floor at night, right next to his 'bed' that's still laying in the middle of the living room, untouched.......he is with me as i cry until there are no more tears left......he is with me as i comfort his sister, who is mourning the loss of 'her Connie'......

he is with me.

he's still with me, just not in the way i so desperately miss.

my arms will never stop wishing they could just hold him.

my lips will never stop missing his sweet kisses.

my heart will never stop wishing he was here with me.

i will never stop missing my beautiful boy.

 ..........until the day i get to see him again.

i have complete faith and hope that my beautiful boy will be in my arms again someday.

until that day i have to move forward with the trust that it will all be ok.

i am trying.

every day i am still trying.

it helps to know that he is still with me.

happy Sunday to you.

<3