who am i without him?

it's been a long time since i've written.

i've been so busy, so stressed, so much going on.

my dad was here all week, helping out my sister with her new baby and also for my sweet girl's baptism last Saturday.

let's talk about that:)

my beautiful little girl chose to be baptized on the 6th of September, and it was a wonderful day.

 

i know she felt loved and special, and she had so much support on her special day.

it meant a lot to her to have Papa baptize her; to me too.

she even wore the same dress i wore when i was 8 and baptized by my dad.

it was special for both of us.

she is so beautiful and i'm so proud of her.

she's been through so much.

 

too much for a tender girl, only 8 years old.

her Connie was there, we could feel him.

i know he's so proud of his Sissy and the decisions she's making and the way she's handling life without him.

she has been dealt a difficult hand in her short life, and she's handled it all so well.

she is strong, but oh, how she misses her brother...

oh, how i miss my sweet boy.

 oh, how we miss him!

school is proving to be an immense challenge for me, in every way possible.

i am going at it full force, giving it everything i can.......and it's hard.

it's a challenge because of my fears and anxieties surrounding the social aspect of it all...

it's a challenge because of my 12 year hiatus from any type of schooling...

it's a challenge because, well, it's just challenging.

and the biggest challenge of all is not having my beautiful boy at the end of the day to calm all my fears.

i don't have my biggest source of comfort anymore and it hurts.

i miss him so much.

everyone i talk to or interact with or just see walking by, i want to scream, "I HAD A SON!!  I HAD A SON AND HE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND NOW HE'S GONE!!!  YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY SON!!!"

 

i had a son.

who am i without my son?

 

i am trying so hard to figure that out.

the problem is i don't want to be anything without him.....i don't want to have to be anything else besides with him.

i miss being with him.

i just miss him so much.

 

it's scary to me to be myself when one of the best parts of me is gone.

my sweet boy was one of the things i loved most about me.....we were part of each other and i learned to love myself through those very same parts.

my kids are the best parts of me.

 now one of those parts is gone.

and it's hard.

it's hard to be 'me' without him.

i don't feel like me.

i just miss him.

 

i just do.

happy Sunday to you.

<3