birthday ramblings...

so it's Sunday......

AND it's my birfday.

birthday fancy pants.

i miss my favorite gift-----birthday kisses from my beautiful boy.

it's a hard 'first' without him.

he was always my first kiss of the day (because we were always up past midnight).  so he was always the first one to see me on my birthday, and now he's not here.

i miss him.

i'm 31.

i'm thirty-one years old and i've outlived my son.

that's hard.

i've been missing his sweet presence so much lately.

i'd give anything to spend my nights holding him again.

i'd give anything to kiss his perfect little cheeks, to run my fingers through his soft hair.

i just want to take in his sweet scent and rock him in my arms again.

oh, how i miss him!

my sweet little girl knows all this.

she misses him just as much in her own way, too.

she knows my heart and always knows how to make me smile.

she gave me my birthday gift early last night, because she couldn't wait.

she handed me a card........a blue envelope with beautiful little angel wings drawn on the back.

(oh, my heart)

then she had me open the gift-----a blue superman shirt....... so perfect, so absolutely perfect.

(oh, my tender heart)

she was so happy to see my excitement and my big smile.

this morning i woke up to a sign on my door and little happy birthday signs throughout the house....

and then she handed me this home-made card......

 (oh, my precious heart!)

she is such a good daughter, my BFF.

i would be so lost without her.

i am so blessed.

i am blessed beyond measure by all of the genuinely good people i'm surrounded by daily.

i'm blessed with a family that loves me and friends that are like family.

i've been through a lot in my 31 years, and made more mistakes than i care to mention.

i've made a lot of bad choices, but am now striving to make the good ones outweigh the bad.

i've been through things that have brought me pain and sorrow, some (ok, most) as a result of my own doing.......but i've never felt pain so big and deep as i have these past nine months.

it's a pain that can't be described because words can't do it justice.

they call it grief.

they call it grief, but grief doesn't come close to touching it.

'grief' is just a blanket term for something so deep and wide that no amount of words could ever come close to describing.

it's an all-encompassing pain, and it rocks you to the depths of your very soul.

but it's there, and i have accepted it's presence----grief is now a part of me, and it will be for the rest of time.

and that's okay.

because the grief reminds me of the love, and the love is all mine.

i can welcome grief because i have enough love to counteract it.

grief cannot consume me, the love won't let it.

i have learned a lot throughout my lifetime, and most of those teachings came from my children.

(and my dad---well he tried, i just wasn't always ready to listen:)

i am grateful to be where i am today---grief and all.

i miss my beautiful little boy.

i just do.

i will always miss him.

i am thankful for the time i was given, to be his mom and for the privilege of being able to care for his every need for six beautiful years.

i love my little aubrey girl.

with all my heart.

she keeps me going, and loving, and living.

i am blessed!

i am another year older and i am blessed.

that's what i want to say today---i am blessed.

happy birfday Sunday to you.

<3